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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it cheating? ://///

42 replies

Firstmom264 · 04/03/2019 16:22

Hi everyone!
So I’m gonna try and put in as much info as I can without going too off topic!
But basically... I’ve been seeing this guy for around 8 months. We clicked instantly and when we’re not arguing we’re perfect. He tries his best to help out with my son (he’s 3) and makes a lot of effort with me... dates, cooking, housework etc.. we’ve had a few arguments in the past about his drug issues... he smokes weed and takes cocaine on nights out. I’ve told him I don’t like it, I don’t agree with it and ultimately I could never trust him around my son on his own. He’s called me names before, lied about when he’s took drugs but silly me has always took him backBlush. Anyway... the weekend just gone I went away to Liverpool with a girl friend for the weekend. We went clubbing, drank a lot and just had a good laugh.
The guy I’ve been seeing told me to ring him both nights to let him know we were safe and got back to the hotel alright. I did ring him both nights and kept to my promise. I saw him yesterday and he asked to look through my pictures/videos from Liverpool which I was fine with. However, there’s a video of me and my girl mate kissing. Nothing major or sexual. It was just messing around being silly and he flipped out. Called me a slag, I’d broken the trust, he’s disgusted in me etc.. but at the time I just thought it was harmless. It turned into a big argument and as a result he blurted out that the whole weekend I’ve been away he’s been doing drugs but he says what I’ve done is worseSad as a result, he said he doesn’t want me anymore and he hasn’t spoken to me since yesterday.
I told my friend what had happened and she said he’s over reacting. I do genuinely feel bad. I didn’t think it would cause any harm or upset but he’s obviously very angry about it. My question is.... what do I do now? Do I try and speak to him or do I leave it? I’m very confused about the situation and don’t know what to do with myself.
Any advice is very welcome! Thanks

OP posts:
lifegoes · 04/03/2019 16:29

I don't know him so wouldn't like to judge. But from my personal experience when my ex acted like. Always accused me of cheating, had to text and call if I was out. Made me feel bad if I had a good time. Felt as I was on egg shells.

Turned out he was projecting his behaviour onto me. He was the one cheating.

I'm not saying it's the same. But his behaviour is a red flag for me. Not just his reaction but his overall behaviour

Sunshineandflipflops · 04/03/2019 16:32

It sounds like way too much hard work for an 8 month relationship and like you said, he doesn’t sound like the kind of man I would want around my children.

youaremyrain · 04/03/2019 16:37

He's called you names? That's a red line for me, unacceptable

Onceuponacheesecake · 04/03/2019 16:37

It's not ok to kiss other people in a typical monogamous relationship, no.

However your relationship sounds like far too much hard work, why is this man around your child? You've only been seeing him a number of months, he's a drug user and you've introduced him to your son? Learn a lesson from this op. Leave him

man1982 · 04/03/2019 16:38

Leaving the incident in Liverpool for a moment, do you really see a future with this guy anyway? From what you have said he lies to you, argues with you, calls you names and is a habitual drug user and this is after 8 months! After 8 months it should still be hearts and flowers not name calling and lies. Sounds to me like you may have had a lucky escape!

As for the kiss with your friend, are we talking a kiss as in a peck or a snog? I am not sure i would be too bothered about either to be honest.

tattooq · 04/03/2019 16:40

He sounds utterly horrendous. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who has this many red flags after only 8 months?

RagingWhoreBag · 04/03/2019 16:46

when we’re not arguing we’re perfect.

few arguments in the past about his drug issues... he smokes weed and takes cocaine on nights out. I’ve told him I don’t like it

I could never trust him around my son on his own.

He’s called me names before

lied about when he’s took drugs

he asked to look through my pictures/videos

Called me a slag

He’s a dick. Hope that helps.

Controlling - (him asking you to phone him is NOT to make sure you’re safe, it’s to prove to him that you didn’t go back to another man’s house). You may think it’s fine for him to ask to look through your photos. It isn’t. He’s not interested in whether you had fun, he wants to find incriminating photos, which he did. He will then make you feel so bad about this that you will be forever making it up to him and it will give him the green light to cheat and lie (even more than he already does) because you did it first.

Yes. Kissing someone else IS cheating, so you were in the wrong. However, I can’t have much sympathy for him in this respect.

Do yourself and your son the biggest favour and dump this arse. You are fundamentally mismatched on the drug thing, but worse, he sounds like a controlling coke head, he’s not the one for you.

fikel · 04/03/2019 16:48

I’m confused as to why you stayed with him longer then 24 hours

labazsisgoingmad · 04/03/2019 16:49

better without him who wants a drug taker around your dc?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/03/2019 16:55

I don't think you need to worry about your behaviour; you need to worry about his.

The drug taking/name calling/arguing... do you really want that around your son?

You can do better.

Ruthio1983 · 04/03/2019 16:59

He sounds like a dick! You snogged your friend, so what? Get rid, get a friend to set you up with someone better!

Arnoldthecat · 04/03/2019 17:07

I am a man though my name is not Arnold. I would never treat any woman like that. I can see several issues here including his drugs, his controlling ways and possible future violence. If i were you i would ditch this relationship and seek someone normal.

FriarTuck · 04/03/2019 17:11

Were these actual kisses or the usual pouting for the camera bollocks? The first is cheating, the second isn't (but is pretty sad).
That aside, he sounds like a real catch, and what great company for your son. Move him in quickly I say, have a couple of kids with him, he sounds like a keeper.
Do the words 'child' and 'drugs' belong in the same sentence? No. Kick him to the kerb.

MsDogLady · 04/03/2019 17:24

I would never allow such a person to be around my child.

He consistently demeans you.

Why are you willing to settle for so little? Give him the heave-ho.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 04/03/2019 17:24

I’ve always been of the opinion that if you need to ask “is this cheating?” Then yes, it probably is.

However, he sounds controlling, name calling is awful and the drug use would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Some of the best relationship advice I ever received was ‘pay attention to how he treats you when you’re arguing’, his being nice when things are good does not make up for him being disrespectful other times. If I were you I’d seriously consider if this was the relationship I wanted to be in.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2019 18:27

Why did you continue a relationship with a man who uses cocaine?

Block him and be glad he's gone. Him asking to look through your phone was controlling.

TomorrowsPrincess · 04/03/2019 18:36

8 months in...... he has contact with your son, takes drugs and shouts and calls you names..... and your already arguing!
Relationships shouldn't be like this 8 years down the line, never mind 8months!
LTB

LuckyLou7 · 04/03/2019 18:40

Oh get shot of him, he sounds like a loser. There are decent men out there, you know, and you deserve so much better than this.

Flowerydenimdress · 04/03/2019 18:41

Please get rid of him. For your son's sake.

Duchessgummybuns · 04/03/2019 18:42

Lucky escape I think

XiCi · 04/03/2019 18:44

Honestly, he sounds awful. Is he someone you would ever want around your son? And calling you a slag? No, he would be well gone. Even him making you phone him every night on your girls trip is a big red flag. Please dump him OP or things could get a whole lot worse

VixenSixen · 04/03/2019 18:53

My first thought was that he was probably looking through the photos to "find" something to pick at either with a view of breaking things off with you or manipulating you into feeling bad about what happened and forever leave you on the back foot and feeling grateful that you still have him.

Yes it was wrong what you did but he is totally using that situation for his own manipulative gain and personally I would be running for the hills.

Also, the drug use thing, he will most likely never change. Get out while you still can.

HollowTalk · 04/03/2019 18:56

Honestly, that guy is a complete twat. Get rid of him.

PepsiLola · 04/03/2019 19:08

Looks like he's trying to find(make) faults, to make his own behaviour excusable.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 04/03/2019 19:13

I wouldn’t consider that cheating unless there had been a prior discussion but it is inappropriate. But no where near as inappropriate as his behaviour. Get rid.

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