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Original poster

Shall I tell him I want to be his wife?

40 replies

Stopmyselfornot · 04/03/2019 14:49

Me and my DP have been together for nearly 3 years, we were both married before, both with the previous partners for about 16 and 17 years. We have 2 children each, and not living together yet, but we are planning a move soon. It was delayed due to both of us not being divorced yet, I got mine last year his should be completed at anytime now.
We love each other so much, and we are such a great match, children get along together most of the time, and families and friends are all happy to see us so happy and in love.
He is such a wonderful man, no one is perfect, but we are just perfect for each other.
I keep comparing myself to his ex wife, and end up in a dark place when I think of him with another woman, I do realise it is silly and stupid, but I can't help it sometimes, knowing he chose her to be his wife and have children together.....all of the things no one could change...and yes I was with another man and had children with him....
He made it clear he does not want more children, I agree with him, and to be honest with myself, I do not think it is sensible to have another child, but the idea that we will not have one together makes me sad...
Marriage....initially he said he doesn't want to be married again, and I was feeling the same, we were both just out of the marriages, and couldn't think new ones! but when we started spending many nights together, travelling, spending family occasions and so on...I realised I want to be married to this man, he did say a few months ago, it is not completely out of the question, and he might change his mind, we don't discuss marriage at all, this was after a conversation about families and expectations.
Marriage for me is not just a piece of paper, and I realised it is important to me. I will not leave him if he does not want it, but I would be happier if he does, I am sure I will get over it at some stage.
If you think of the financial side, I once made a point about another couple, that when there is children there should be a pre nup, I wanted him to know that this is what I would do, indirectly, as he earns far more than me.
I want him to know how I feel, but too scared of sharing this, I do not want to pressure him, but want him to know, and if he knows he might actually start wanting it himself...Do I tell him? do I explain clearly I am happy with a pre nup? do I say I understand his position but just want him to know how I feel...Or do I just leave it to him, when he is ready, if he ever is...

OP posts:
Kknightxx · 04/03/2019 14:54

I told my partner I wanted to get married & a month later he proposed. Defo worth bringing it up :) x

Original poster
Stopmyselfornot · 04/03/2019 15:03

That is lovely Kknightxx
But what were his views about marriage?
My DP is a family man, he believes in marriage but went through a bad experience, and not ready to go through it again I guess....

OP posts:
AbbieDabbieDoo · 04/03/2019 15:03

My only reservation with bringing it up right now is that he's not divorced yet - I know that when my divorce came through, the last thing I would have wanted to do was to start planning another wedding, however I wasn't with anyone then so it obviously wasn't an issue!

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, so there shouldn't be any harm in bringing it up. It's not like you're giving him an ultimatum - as you said, "Marriage for me is not just a piece of paper, and I realised it is important to me. I will not leave him if he does not want it, but I would be happier if he does, I am sure I will get over it at some stage"

If you said something like this to him, you're sharing your feelings without pressure, and who wouldn't be delighted to hear that the person they love feels so strongly about them? He may need time so it might not be immediate; he may never want to as he's happy how you are; or maybe he's thinking the same. The only way to find out is to ask him, but remember that if he doesn't want to get married that's highly unlikely to be a reflection on you personally, just his opinion in general.

MollysLips · 04/03/2019 15:03

I'd leave it till his divorce is final, then see what he says.

If you want marriage, though, don't live with him. Living together will postpone any proposal.

Original poster
Stopmyselfornot · 04/03/2019 15:17

Thank you ladies, I was so close to saying it yesterday, but I do keep thinking that it has to wait until he gets final papers done.
In our case, I do not think the move has a big effect on this decision, I think it might actually help....we are 70% of the time together now...and to be honest I want to be with him.

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 04/03/2019 15:31

I think you need to wait. It might be a few years... as you say, he has more financially to lose by getting married and prenups cant completely absolve him from that.

Quietplace19 · 04/03/2019 15:39

Don't wait, what to save him from panicking? Sorry I don't understand why you would wait, is it because deep down you worry about his response? It's not fair stewing over it and not being honest. You'll become resentful and it's not his fault because at the start you didn't want marriage.
Regardless of the divorce this is your future
Tell him asap. If you don't like the answer then you need to think if you want to be with him.
His divorce shouldn't dictate your future together

NameChangeNugget · 04/03/2019 15:41

At lot of people won’t marry again if children are involved because of the legals. No harm in telling him how you feel but, seeing as he’s not divorced I doubt it’ll be top of his to do list.

Good luck Flowers

Kknightxx · 04/03/2019 15:43

My partner wasnt exactly bothered about marriage & at I used to say that until things got more serious , getting married is like the icing on the cake for me :)

Even if your waiting for divorce, you can always bring it up. Lifes short 💕

Luckingfovely · 04/03/2019 15:47

I think that in order to give you the best chance of achieving the outcome that you want, you absolutely have to wait.

He is still living through the process of a divorce, and no matter how happy he is with you, it is still difficult and sad. It is definitely not the right time to bring it up.

I would put it aside until at least six months after his divorce is finalised, and you have been living together for six months.

Original poster
Stopmyselfornot · 04/03/2019 16:08

I agree with the waiting...I might just throw a hint at some point before that...
I will not leave him because of that, his decision is based on his past experience, and probably the need to make sure he doesnt lose the half of whatever he has remaining if we end up in a bad place...dont blame him...although I do know that he knows that I wont do this to him, as I didnt do it with my ex husband!
He was talking the other day about life insurance, and how he needs to make sure I can afford the mortgage if anything happens to him, he does treat us as a unity, and does not at any point mention money issues between us.
My children keep asking me if we are getting married, I mentioned that to him by text, and said I changed the topic, I am not sure if he knows how I feel....he will soon I guess

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 04/03/2019 22:22

I'm going to offer the other side here and say what difference does it make if you are or aren't married. As you have both discovered in previous relationships it doesnt guarentee a lifetime together. Give him time to get over his divorce. You don't need it for practical reasons.

YogaWannabe · 04/03/2019 22:29

I wouldn’t marry again if I was him, sorry OP Blush

I understand the need for marriage when there’s children (together) involved and property etc but what’s the actual point/what would it change for you two? Aside from putting his finances and his DC inheritance in jeopardy?

m0vinf0rward · 04/03/2019 22:35

Thing is he doesn't know you won't take him to the cleaners. The person you marry is not the person you divorce. You might say that you'd never do it but you 'could' and the law would allow you to do so. IMHO there is no longer any benefit to marriage and the risks involved are too great. Your have claim on his pensions from when he started working at 18 for god's sake...decades before he even met you!! He's well within his rights to say no and you should respect that. If marriage is that important to you, decide if it's more important than your relationship to this man. If you pressure him then IMHO you do not respect him.

YogaWannabe · 04/03/2019 22:48

How you describe your feelings about imagining him with his ex wife would suggest your reasoning for wanting to get married are more for status than love

CloudyTuesday · 04/03/2019 23:10

If I was him, I wouldn't want to get married.

He has already learnt, the hard way, that wonderful marriage-material relationships can end in divorce, that people in love can fall out of it, that people you trust with all your heart can let you down.

His divorce isn't even finalised yet, and you are already wanting him to get married again!

Have you seen the terrible statistics for second marriages?

You haven't been together long, haven't lived together, have no children together, and he is the bigger earner - all even more reasons for him to (indefinitely) delay imo.

I wouldn't say anything in your position tbh. He's made his views clear, and so have you. You might think you're being subtle telling him that your dc are asking whether he'll marry you, but you're not. Believe me, he knows that you would jump at the chance but has, to his credit, told you exactly where he stands on the issue.

twooutofthreeaintbad · 04/03/2019 23:15

Try living together first

Singlenotsingle · 04/03/2019 23:23

Why is marriage so important and what's the hurry? Me and dp have been together for 16 years, blissfully happy, but no way do I want to get married again. EVER! (Ok, well maybe on my death bed in 20 years time).

SandyY2K · 04/03/2019 23:23

I keep comparing myself to his ex wife, and end up in a dark place when I think of him with another woman

Very very strange.

He's not ready for marriage. Don't ask him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2019 23:42

I know you’ve acknowledged it in your post but why are you upset by him having been married before when you were too? You’ve both been in love before, chosen to get married and make serious commitments before, had children, built a life, and then seen it fall apart and go through divorce. His past isn’t more significant to him than yours is to you. Why do you feel it is?

I’m divorced and remarried, I never felt anti marriage despite having had a horrible break up and I lost nearly everything in the process. My now husband is a completely different man, I knew quite soon in I’d happily marry him and I wasn’t wrong thinking this time it would be different because it is, it’s unrecognisable and a totally different dynamic, relationship and marriage.

It’s not the same for everyone and I totally get why he’s not keen to jump in again, he can’t while he’s still married to his ex. How long have they been separated if you’ve been together 3 years? If he had a very long marriage it might feel like relatively early days.

You need to be able to talk openly and honestly about how you both feel and what you want. But definitely live together beforehand, it changes everything even if you spend a lot of time together. And wait until his divorce is through.

AgentJohnson · 05/03/2019 05:10

Be very careful OP, your inferiority complex is showing. I think it unlikely that your DP doesn’t know about your desire to get married again but he clearly isn’t ready. If getting married isn’t a dealbreaker then why the rush? Being a Mrs won’t legitimise your relationship or make his first marriage less important.

I get that you’re in love but I get the feeling that getting married would be a coping mechanism for your relationship insecurity and that’s a poor reason to get married.

category12 · 05/03/2019 06:35

Are you really sure this is the right relationship for you? You say you'd like another child and marriage, but neither of those things are on the table with this man.

I think it's worrying that you compare yourself unfavourably with his ex; after all, their relationship didn't work out. Is he still hanging out for her, is the divorce not his choice? If not, and this thinking is purely your own insecurity, you should do some work on that, it'll wreck your head otherwise.

Original poster
Stopmyselfornot · 05/03/2019 09:14

I do not like the fact that I am insecure sometimes, but he knows of this, and helping me deal with it. He is totally committed and he wants the divorce, he said he considers himself divorced and only one piece of legality is left.
I do not want more children, but would have loved having them with him if we met years before, he is such a wonderful father.
I choose him, in every way, I just come from a culture where marriage is important, and you cant live with someone out of marriage, but I am willing to do so with him, even knowing I will lose many friends and family over it, but I believe we belong to each other with or without marriage.
He would have a lot to lose financially, I understand this part fully, and I really hate it at the same time, when financial issues determine relationships, but it is how it is!
I was texting him when my daughter asked me the marriage questions, and I just texted him immediately about it without thinking, it was not throwing hints at all, not at that moment.
I think I need to let him know how I feel in a few months, I will explain I am not expecting anything, but I am free to feel this way, as much as he is free not to want it!
I am sure we will live happily with or without it.
Thank you all

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2019 09:17

That sounds tricky. Have your family and friends accepted your divorce and that you’re in another relationship? If so would it be a big deal to cohabit as well?

0ccamsRazor · 05/03/2019 09:18

Why not propose to him?