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Original poster

Father does not want the child

35 replies

mello0h · 04/03/2019 14:42

Hi, I'm new to this but I have been stewing over my situation for such a long time and I could do with any advice.

My (now ex) boyfriend and I have been very good friends for 2 years before we started spontaneously dating. It was all very intense and he had said he had fallen in love with me after a few weeks.

I then fell pregnant.

At first he was supportive and romantic about it, talked about moving in together etc.

But randomly he did a 180 degree change in his opinion. Asked me to get an abortion (never going to happen for me) and has said i've taken his consent away, forcing him into this life.
Hes gone from being loving and caring to insulting and cruel.

He is now saying hes over it, but he is cold and doesn't have anything to do with the pregnancy or me - but will do the 'responsible thing' when the child is born.

Im not sure how I can help him see that this child is an emotional thing, and is his.
I don't know whether i should tell him I dont want him involved as hes emotionally draining me. With his words and also the whole break up.

I dont know where I can stand in terms of control over the situation, and I cant get through to him on any form of emotional level

Any help would be appreciated- sorry its so long!

OP posts:
O4FS · 04/03/2019 14:45

When I was in that situation I chose to go ahead with the PG. The father didn’t want me to have the baby. I gave him the option to walk away, didn’t put him on the birth certificate so that meant no parental responsibility for him.

I felt very strongly that I had made the choice that was right for me, and he should make the choice that was right for him.

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 14:50

What is it with the glut of twat men who get women pregnant and then try to force them to have abortions they don't want?

FUCK trying to make him see.

Tell him to fuck off, you're not having a termination and he doesn't get to coerce and abuse you.

Don't put him on the birth certificate and don't give the baby his surname. He's a knob.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2019 14:56

Stop talking to him

His emotional response is not YOUR responsibility- YOU are the one that needs taken care of, you're pregnant!

This nobhead isn't going to take care of you so you're going to have to do it

Never speak to him again, focus on you and your life

ittakes2 · 04/03/2019 15:02

don't put him on the birth certificate - he won't have any parental rights so you can live your life with your little one as you see fit. good luck

Original poster
mello0h · 04/03/2019 15:49

well when he says the 'responsible thing' he means he wants to be involved with the child when its born.
but for now he's just nasty and cold.
he says its his decision to be involved as the child is half his. And he is a 'good person' etc.
But hes also happy to let me know how much he thinks my decision, and by proxy, me, is 'crazy' and 'neurotic'

feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place- by taking away his last say in terms of being involved, or putting myself thrugh his shit every day....

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2019 16:08

Stop putting yourself through this shit then.
Cut him off.
Block him on all platforms.
Send him one last message advising him you can't do this and you will contact him once the baby is born.
You need a peaceful pregnancy and he's not allowing you that.
But you can allow it for yourself.
Block him - NOW!!!

Dullardmullard · 04/03/2019 16:11

plus don't put him on the birth certificate till he shows he is committed to the baby.

For now block him on everything

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 04/03/2019 16:18

I agree with the others don't put his name in the birth certificate and block and move on, you don't need this added stress in your life.

NotTheFordType · 04/03/2019 16:19

'crazy' and 'neurotic'

I don't think he understands the meaning of neurotic...

Fuck him off for now, no contact until the birth. Don't put him on the BC, apply for CSM once the baby is here. If he wants contact he can ask. But I have to think that a resentful father is actually worse than no father.

KindnessCrusader · 04/03/2019 17:09

I could have written your posts, right down to the names he has called you. My 'man' was my fiancé. He'll tell you he will fight you for custody, he'll tell you you'll be a bad mum.
Don't listen to him.
11 years later I'm happily married with 3 more children and my Husband adopted our firstborn. With no fight from the 'father', although I did contact him to 'ask'. He never saw me pregnant, never met her-had no interest in doing so.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy your baby and ignore this man child. It really is his loss and nothing to do with you or anything you have or haven't done.

KindnessCrusader · 04/03/2019 17:11

I also forgot to add, I was contacted a couple of years ago by another woman he had done the same to. Word for word, action for action. It's not you, it's him.

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 17:14

He's not a good person, he's a cunt. Just tell him that. You keep telling yourself you're a good person, you're not, you're a wanker. I'm not crazy or neurotic so stop negging me because it won't work. In fact, I'm done talking to you. Fuck off. And then block him.

sue51 · 04/03/2019 17:23

Keep him at bay whilst you're pregnant, you don't need his negativity and name calling. Contact cms after you have had your baby, remember the money is his contribution to his own child's living costs. The birth certificate is up to you. You don't have to tell him when you are registering the birth and if he wants to be added to it he can arrange that himself. If he wants contact that can be arranged at a later date. For the moment your main concern is you and your pregnancy, don't let him spoil this time for you.

O4FS · 04/03/2019 17:35

The ‘crazy’ and ‘neurotic’ name calling is a big red flag, and looks to me as though he is emotional abusive. No decent man does this. It’s gaslighting and if you let him in, he’ll carry on until you don’t know yourself anymore.

Look, it’s an emotional, confusing time. There will be lots of ups and downs. XP decided 8 months into the PG that ‘yes I am going to be involved’ which pulled the rug from under me as I was going it alone as far as I was concerned.

You do need to be careful. There’s a lot of heightened emotion coming your way, especially when you see your baby, when/if you see your baby with the father - everything can seem ok, really quite wonderful. And things could be ok, this isn’t the end of it. You don’t just ‘block’ and he walks away (unless you are VERY lucky Wink). You need to put your needs first, and then your baby’s needs. Get yourself sorted, decide what you want.

O4FS · 04/03/2019 17:37

Unless things have changed since I did it, naming him on the birth certificate gives him parental rights?

Also, give the baby your name.

MitziK · 04/03/2019 17:44

Tell him it's not his.

Then enjoy your life.

KindnessCrusader · 05/03/2019 17:07

Op if you're in Berkshire I run a free support/social group for single parents. Message me if you are and would like to come along-you'd be very welcome!

Seniorschoolmum · 05/03/2019 17:28

Op, he’s tried to bully you into terminating and it hasn’t worked, so now he’s punishing you.
When LO is born, he may want to be hands on, he may just pay the minimum support for his child when pressurised by the CMS.
Leave him off the birth certificate and see if he is prepared to put some effort in for his child. That will tell you a lot.
But expect to be blamed for years yet. Don’t expect him to be kind or caring because the only person he is thinking about is himself.

Goldmandra · 05/03/2019 17:36

So he wants the option to be involved in the child's life on his terms but not when he doesn't feel like it or it doesn't work for him. He is also reserving the right to blame you when he lets his child down because you have forced him into fatherhood against his will.

I'd tell him that, if he wants to be involved in his child's life, he can either change his attitude PDQ or he can take you to court for access, thereby proving that it is 100% his choice to be involved.

If only he had taken the option of not having sex in the first place. Then he would have had all the choice and control he wanted.

O4FS · 05/03/2019 20:55

And please, please don’t enter into a Relationship with this man, even if he does play a role in your child’s life.

user1493413286 · 05/03/2019 21:03

I think you need to take a step back away from him and focus on yourself and your pregnancy.
You can’t change how he is to you or make him see your point of view. I would continue to give him information about the pregnancy, how scans and check ups are and invite him to them if you want but don’t engage with him on anything else at the moment.
I’d think about what you’re comfortable with in terms of him having contact and put that to him near your due date but don’t see anything in stone as you don’t know how you’ll feel

Rtmhwales · 05/03/2019 21:06

My XH was like this. Was cold and angry. He briefly changed his stance when DS was born but within a week changed back to wanting nothing to do with his son or me. He pays maintenance and that's it. So prepare yourself for the possibility.

For now, just don't contact him. If he wants to get in touch, he will. If he doesn't, no big deal. Pregnancy creates a connection for the baby and the mother generally - for the father it's still something happening TO him really. He won't feel this emotional connection you're looking for, possibly not until well after he holds his child.

MulticolourMophead · 05/03/2019 22:03

has said i've taken his consent away, forcing him into this life.

If he didn't want children he had the choice of no sex, condoms or the snip, he had the options to avoid pregnancy then. Once you're pregnant, the choice is no longer his.

He's a dick, don't put him on the BC (that would give him PR), and block him for now, concentrate on you and baby. If he steps up, he can be given PR at a later date once he's proven himself.

And be aware that all this name calling (neurotic, crazy?) is all abuse, designed to put you on the back foot. You're not crazy or neurotic, don't buy in to whatever he tells you.

Banana1979 · 06/03/2019 19:26

Id put his name on the BC
I don't agree with other posts telling you to omit his name from the BC..this is a child we are talking about and punishing him by not putting his name on the BC because he does not want an emotional relationship with YOU is vindictive and immature. He has a right to have his name on the certificate and just because he no longer wants to be in a loving relationship with you does not mean you should take away his PR or afford your child a bc without a father's name on it
He has already said he will do the right thing..be involved and contribute ect..but unfortunately he has been awful in the way he said he is in love with you but no longer wants to be with you. That is your problem
He doesn't need to get involved with your pregnancy. Invite him to 20 week scan that's it. What do you expect/want him to do in terms of your pregnancy ? I understand you are peed that he doesn't want to be with you anymore but thats not a reason to cut him out your child's life.
Your child deserves a father even if father does not want you. This may change after the baby is born..maybe hes scared ..i don't know..
But make sure you agree child support terms with him..and how much he is going to give you when baby is born ..he has said he will do the right thing so give him that chance

izekiah · 06/03/2019 19:29

not putting him on the birth certificate will have no effect other than the social stigma of no father. If he wants to be involved he can easily apply for Parentak responsibility and the courts will grant it