Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me what you think about this?

41 replies

silverpebbles · 04/03/2019 00:26

My relationship with husband is still on rocky ground a year or so from his emotional affair and kiss with a work friend.
We are still together but I think I've checked out of the relationship. His treatment of me was awful the whole way through me finding out and the continual fallout time.
We've been ok at times but the truth is I just can't get over it and I think he knows.
Well now I have found out that he is messaging ex girlfriend and another woman work friend.
He has told me a little about this and it seems on one level eg asking for a reference. But I have checked the messages without him knowing and there is more to them. Shall we say, some flirting, emojis, gifs and reliving memories. Also talk of reconnecting.
He says I am unfriendly. I agree that I am keeping a distance from him at times. I don't trust him and am still hurting.
It's almost impossible to talk about the situation that happened with the ow as we just end up arguing. But he was angry and cross all through it anyway! Counselling does not work with him at all. I go on my own. I'm so unhappy.
Why is he messaging these other women and he still lies to me?
We have had difficulties from the beginning of our relationship. He has moods and tempers and I have put up with a lot. I wish I could start again. I feel awful saying some of this.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2019 00:31

You don’t need to feel awful, you haven’t done anything wrong. He’s treating you appallingly and for your own reasons you’ve tried to move past it and realise you can’t.

He’s still doing it because he’s a lying cheating arsehole, and because he knows he got away with it last time because there weren’t any consequences.

It’s okay to decide you’ve tried but it’s over. He’s not making any effort to commit to your relationship or to you and he’s choosing to continue to damage what little may have been left and disrespect and hurt you.

You deserve more than he is giving you Flowers

Original poster
silverpebbles · 04/03/2019 00:39

thank you for your message.
I feel guilty because at times I've said ok I forgive and will try and we have been ok for a short while but underneath I just can't really do it. I find the whole thing of forgiveness / forgetting so confusing and difficult. I get constant reminders of it all and have real problems with associations eg even if i see the type of car she! Although I don't always express what I feel even so it is there all the time. He says why am I mentioning it and not a good idea. Also my self confidence has taken a dip. And now for him to be contacting these others - I just don't get it.

OP posts:
AornisHades · 04/03/2019 00:47

If you can't get over what he's done, that's fine. If you assume the worst now, that's fine. If he was truly sorry you'd expect him to understand that.
He doesn't.

snowqu33n · 04/03/2019 00:48

Why bother working so hard on this if he hasn’t been trying? Don’t feel guilty, it isn’t YOU that’s the problem, it’s him.
He doesn’t respect you and that is just going to eat through all your confidence if you have to live with him around you.
Stop thinking about the other women and start focusing on yourself.
What do you want from life? He has made it clear that he wants to keep his options wide open and make you work to keep him.
I say fuck that.
Get your 🦆 in a row because he will have been preparing for a break up ever since he got found out.

Original poster
silverpebbles · 04/03/2019 08:13

Thanks,
I feel like I have worked so hard to try and move but he doesnt see ir that way. He says sorry but as far as he's concerned that's it now and we shouldn't mention it. And for him to now message an ex girlfriend and a past work colleague in the way he is! Why would he do that ? It does seem like he is keeping options open. But he doesn't know that I know!

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 04/03/2019 08:15

You have nothing to feel guilty about; he broke your trust and you tried to move on from it and he has done it again. Its no wonder you feel like you do. I think you have to think seriously if you want to remain in the marriage- you cant carry on being unhappy and its ok if you dont. You can move on? Do you have children?

MiniTheMinx · 04/03/2019 08:34

I think it's confusing because......

It's very easy to say sorry and not mean it.

Forgiveness is given (it's in the name) but it's also contingent upon several factors, not least whether the wrongdoer is actually contrite and sorry.

It's easier to forgive a mistake than it is to forgive a premeditated action. And the wrongdoer must be prepared to express whether it was a mistake and be fully honest and open and be prepared to admit if it wasn't a mistake but a thought out action. Taking responsibility means confronting difficult truths about yourself. Why was he doing what he was doing? Did it make him happy? Does he regret it only because of the fall out! Does he really regret the actual "thing" or just regret the consequences?

My guess is that he doesn't regret his actions, he may only regret the consequences. And the consequences are not bad enough for him never to behave in the same way again. He is behaving in the same way now with two women. This behaviour is rewarding to him and the consequences of its discovery not bad enough for him to stop. This suggests that he was never truly sorry.

You have options. Don't for one minute blame yourself. It's impossible to forgive someone who doesn't in words and deeds seek forgiveness, or even deserve it.

Flowers
Original poster
silverpebbles · 04/03/2019 09:29

We have grown up children and it is so hard to break away but I'm trying.
I do often think that he was only sorry to be found out. He hasn't always appeared sorry in the way he speaks to me and treats me.
sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind and I have to question everything and ask others for advice and opinions.
The thing is I don't even realise if he is fully aware of the way he is and the impact of it all?!
He wouldn't even accept the term "emotional affair" so that gives you an idea of how difficult he is!
I just don't get how he can even engage in these messages to an ex.
I wonder where is it all leading and I feel incredibly uneasy.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 04/03/2019 12:44

He’s been an absolute arse.

Life is too short

MiniTheMinx · 04/03/2019 18:34

So he hasn't really fully accepted that he was in the wrong?

Blastandtroph · 04/03/2019 18:45

From his actions it sounds like he's checked out too. You need to start prioritising and planning what you want.

Original poster
silverpebbles · 04/03/2019 19:18

His view is quite simplistic and practical. He has said sorry and that's it. He can be nice but it's usually short lived. He is angry with me when I mention it as I said I would try not to. But in my view it wasn't all dealt with properly. And then to start this again with ex. Thay are saying how good it is so reconnect after so long. He did see her recently with another person and he asked me if ok and I said yes. But now I'm seeing their messages and possible meet up again in a few months.

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 04/03/2019 19:25

He is a piece of shit and will never change . Look at Ashley Cole , jay z , tiger woods , all were/are with fantastic women , they’re just knob heads. Get your ducks in a row OP, he won’t change for anyone and you deserve to be happy Flowers

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/03/2019 19:27

I agree with everything @MinitheMinx said

The way he shuts you down even when he's in the wrong rings massive alarm bells for me I'm afraid.

I would work towards getting out of there, he's a liar, a cheat and a bully who expects you to put up and shut up.

Entitled arsehole springs to mind.

MiniTheMinx · 04/03/2019 20:07

It sounds very much as though he isn't sorry. He did what he did and does what he does because he chooses too. His words are cheap and meaningless, it's very easy to say sorry. The reason he shuts you down is because he doesn't want to face up to the fact he's being a scumbag. He knows it, on some level but chooses to ignore the obvious, he doesn't want you drawing attention to it.

You can't win. He's a liar and he also decieves himself.

altiara · 04/03/2019 20:11

I think if he’s not really sorry and not trying to make it up to you, then how are you supposed to forgive home and move on? If he shuts you don’t from taking about it, again you can’t move past it. Definitely sounds like he was sorry to get caught and now realised he can do what he likes as you’ll put up with it.
How do you feel if you imagine not living together?

Original poster
silverpebbles · 04/03/2019 20:25

Thank you for all your advice.
@altiara in answer to your q how would i feel if i didnt live with him? This......
Calmer, less anxious, my heart won't beat really fast when we start arguing or I ask him something difficult, not having to tread on eggshells and hopefully free and more like the
real me. This is sad to read.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 04/03/2019 20:27

He says why am I mentioning it and not a good idea.

Cos he's an asshole, blaming you for his checking out of the relationship.

Also my self confidence has taken a dip.

Hmmm, I wonder why? I bet it will come right back up again when you get rid of this awful man. And do some inner work as to why you put up with this kind of treatment.

burntdinner · 04/03/2019 20:31

The problem with the word sorry is that to some people it means oh hell I've messed up please forgive me whilst to others it's a throw away word that has little or no meaning

AnyFucker · 04/03/2019 20:34

You are flogging a dead horse

Don't throw away the rest of your days living this miserable half life

mando64 · 04/03/2019 20:44

I think you know the best course of action. If you know you will be a better person without him then that's the way forward..when someone truly loves you isn't that what they do? Make us the best we can be?

Original poster
silverpebbles · 06/03/2019 22:48

When I asked him recently is he going to meet her, the ex gf again, (with one of her relatives) he said "why the intense questioning?"
When I asked him something about the ow from last year he said I'm obsessive. I have hardly mentioned her lately but when I do he says I'm obsessed with her!

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 06/03/2019 22:53

Op that sound aweful. You don’t have to live like this. Relationships are meant to enhance our experience of life. Honestly, you deserve a man who thinks you are the best thing EVER. Please don’t settle for less.
Flowers

mando64 · 07/03/2019 19:30

Of course you are going to have questions..he is just deflecting it back at you.. please don't let him make you feel you are the one in the wrong

Original poster
silverpebbles · 07/03/2019 19:34

He has a way of making me feel in the the wrong. I am full of anxiety and feel so down.

OP posts: