Tell me what you think about this?

[silverpebbles]

My relationship with husband is still on rocky ground a year or so from his emotional affair and kiss with a work friend.
We are still together but I think I've checked out of the relationship. His treatment of me was awful the whole way through me finding out and the continual fallout time.
We've been ok at times but the truth is I just can't get over it and I think he knows.
Well now I have found out that he is messaging ex girlfriend and another woman work friend.
He has told me a little about this and it seems on one level eg asking for a reference. But I have checked the messages without him knowing and there is more to them. Shall we say, some flirting, emojis, gifs and reliving memories. Also talk of reconnecting.
He says I am unfriendly. I agree that I am keeping a distance from him at times. I don't trust him and am still hurting.
It's almost impossible to talk about the situation that happened with the ow as we just end up arguing. But he was angry and cross all through it anyway! Counselling does not work with him at all. I go on my own. I'm so unhappy.
Why is he messaging these other women and he still lies to me?
We have had difficulties from the beginning of our relationship. He has moods and tempers and I have put up with a lot. I wish I could start again. I feel awful saying some of this.

He's emotionally abusive silver, that's why you feel like that.

He has no remorse and no respect. Fling him, he's garbage.

From things in RL and from threads on here, it seems marriages are only repaired after and affair if the guilty party owns their behaviour and responsibility for the affair.

OP, your DH is just wanting you to sweep it under the carpet and turn a blind eye to his new behaviour.

I'm not surprised you want out, and I'd want to leave to. It's not your fault, you may have felt pressured into fogiving, but that doesn't mean you were giving permission for him to do it again, as seems likely to happen. Leave, you only have one life.

Hi Silver, I thought I recognized you. I commented on your other thread a few weeks ago, and wondered how you were. You know my thoughts about your cruel, domineering, narcissistic husband.

Once again, he feels entitled to pursue illicit affairs and ego-boosts. The messages from the ex were becoming more affectionate, and she had sent a swimsuit photo. You had not confronted him. Have the messages escalated?

He will never change this behavior pattern. You desperately need to change yours.

Thank you for your advice and yes @MsDogLady you are right and I remember you too.
When I said he is doing it for an ego boost he went mad and was not impressed that I said that. And yes I think the msgs with the ex gf have escalated and they speak of reconnecting and "being there for each other"

It’s time to move on. It will be difficult, but you will reclaim yourself and your self esteem in the end. You deserve more.

I am so depressed.

They sent each other 2 messages each over the weekend and she sent a photo. Can it be an emotional affair via messaging and maybe meeting up in a few months as live miles apart ?

Yes, I told you on your other thread that it was an emotional affair. An ex, regular messaging, flirty, kisses, emojis, swimsuit photo, memory lane, planning to meet. He uses visiting her mother.to cover his true intention of seeing her.

Silver, why do you continue to question what is going on? He is repeating his pattern of having affairs.

Can you explain to us why you aren't leaving him? I think most of us reading your posts don't understand what you get out of staying with him.
Are you financially afraid of being alone?

Sorry, I understand why you all think that and wonder why I havent left. Believe me I wish I could and I want to leave and be om my own. But the whole process is very difficult. Family reasons and my weakness im a way. I am afraid of his reaction and all the fall out. Me writing on here is part of the process and hopefully helping me to get there.

Your children are grown and surely would understand. Even if they don’t, you should not have to live with a mean, egocentric, unempathetic, domineering cheater. How could his reaction if you left be any worse than this?

I imagine the process feels difficult in your head. But in reality, it's as easy as packing a bag to stay with a friend or family member. Then getting a place of your own. You don't even have to tell him. He'll work it out himself.
The more realistic scenario though is that you need to financially prepare. Get documents together and plan a place to live.
Check out of the relationship though. It's time to stop wondering why he does things. It doesn't matter why. You can't go back in time and change him or fix the way he treats you.

You can’t forgive him because deep down he’s not sorry. The price of being with this man is him messaging other women and lying about it. Only you can decide if that price is worth paying but you get no medals for staying.

I do always wonder why and wish I could understand but there is no point. I have checked out but we are still living together. How I tell him I just don't know. He will be upset I think. But when I think of all the things he has said and done over the years I just can't get over it all. I tried, and especially in the early years, but it's too much now and the resentment has built up and I just cannot do it any longer.

I think you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme. I've linked you to finding a course near you because I think it would work for you to go along to the workshops and meet others in a similar position.

He's a shit. He's only sorry he was caught, that's all, and fully intends to carry on regardless. He has no interest in your hurt, only for you to shut up.

Thank you for the information.