How to move past finding out about secret debt

[Secretdebt]

I have NC but am a regular poster. Have found out this evening that DH has accumulated £30k in secret debt. I only found out because I asked to see the statements of the loan I was aware of (about 6k for the car) as I was planning to start overpaying when our free childcare hours kick in next month.

It's not so much the money which is an issue as we have a decent household income so with hard work we can pay it off and it won't affect our ability to pay for essentials. It's the deceit which is killing me.

He did have a small amount of secret debt (couple of thousand) before we got married and I was so upset by that and almost called it all off that I thought that he would never be so stupid again.

We have DS who is 3 so I am not leaving but how do I move past this? How will I ever trust him again. If anyone has been through similar and can advise that would be amazing. Feel like such an idiot right now that my life seems to have been built on lies.

Thank you TiP

I don’t agree with others who say if this is the second time he has done it, he will do it again.

The first time you didn’t have full transparency. This is key to moving forward. And although it sounds like in my situation, I am not acting like my DHs mum. I merely have the means to check if I have suspicions. However, if I did have suspicions, I’d be asking him first before checking as I trust he would tell me the truth now, but more importantly, I trust that he has changed and that he won’t do it again and this is down to the transparency he has given me. Having said that, I also have the strength to leave if he ever did gamble again. As I said in my first post, I am giving him this chance and so far he is exceeding my expectations.

I think it’s easy for people to say they wouldn’t forgive, this would be a deal breaker etc but it’s not as black and white in reality. Your DH may have triggers for his spending, and this is what he needs to figure out.

Good luck in your journeys and don’t stop talking to each other.

I could not forgive this. I would be worried about the future of my son tbh and I could never trust him again. Once the trust has gone that's it foreally me. My first husband frittered away £300,000 luckily after we divorced with bad decisions and doing flying lessons and so on. He is practically homeless now. I am furious as my son should have inherited that house and my ex sold it and ploughed through all that money my son has always worked incredibly hard and my ex betrayal means neither of us have any contact with that man now. Your husband has a duty of care towards your son and he has utterly betrayed it. Did any of that money go on his son? I guess not.

I can completely understand everyone telling me to LTB as a week ago I think I would have been the same! Turns out that when it's actually reality it's not quite so simple for me at least.

I have been trawling through his statements and they back up what he has said about just constantly buying small pointless things (and eating out too much). He has also done stupid stuff like put car repairs on there and not told me anything about them so I had no idea they needed to be paid off!

He has signed up for a course with Christians Against Poverty and fully admits that he has a spending problem which he has to fix.

I still love him although I have been so hurt by him and I do want to make it work. It may not but I am going to give it a go.

Only you know what's best for you at this particular time, so go with it.

If it doesn't work out you can always change your decision at a later date.

It sounds like a lot of money to fritter away on bits and pieces. Are you see he's not gambling or doing coke?

There is no sign of that from the statements I have seen so far single but I haven't had time to go through them all yet. It looks to be honest as though he has a major shopping problem. He is just buying random crap every single day to get the buzz. He has admitted this is a major problem which can't carry on and he needs professional help.

I do wish people would stop making such crass assumptions about gambling and drugs and prostitutes.

the vast VAST majority of people who are in debt get there by overspending a little bit each week
and sticking their heads in the sand over a couple of bills

Has he told his rich London friend that the expensive meals out have to stop because he can't afford them?
If he doesn't own up to everyone that was part of it, he may find himself "obligated" to pay for half of a booked meal/trip out because the person doing it didn't realise he actually can't afford it.

Yes he has Storm he told him last night.

I would leave. If he can lie about that what else can he lie about?
That's a considerable amount of money even if you are doing well
You wouldn't have got a car loan if you could afford to be paying £38k off.

There would always be a question mark over things for me. And I have tried to forgive financial cheating myself in the past.

I do wish people would stop making such crass assumptions about gambling and drugs and prostitutes.

How very odd of you Talkinpaece - why are other PPs sharing their personal experiences of the causes of debt “crass”?

This has been a reality for many - why do you get to denigrate their life story?

another20
The OPs DH is not a gambler. He is not a coke user. He's not been drawing cash to use on prostitutes.
Scaring her with thoughts that he might be before she looked at the credit card statements is not useful

Getting out of debt, people need practical support and reassurance,
not scaremongering

Another20 I don’t think TiP is talking to those people who have been sharing their stories, she is aiming that comment at people who are making assumptions that there has to be more to it than irresponsible spending. And I agree with her, those comments are not helpful.

Spending money is addictive, trying to keep up with a certain lifestyle is addictive and dangerous, there has to be a deeper reason why the OPs DH is doing that, and that is what is important - not mud slinging.

No one's mudslinging, offside. When my DS got heavily in debt I thought he'd been out clubbing, buying drinks for the mateys in the pub, being the big man in front of the said mateys. It never occurred to me that you could spend £1000 a week on coke.

Single
I have a client who is a gambler.
He maxed out a credit card by drawing £15,000 in cash at a casino in the space of three hours
When he and his (soon to be ex) wife came round I asked to see the card
and then cut it in half while his jaw hit the floor
BUT
Cash debt and spending debt are different.

OP's husband is a spender. So there is a good chance that their marriage and credit rating can both fully recover

The OPs DH is not a gambler. He is not a coke user. He's not been drawing cash to use on prostitutes.

How on earth can you claim that as a fact?
You have no idea what the DH of an anonymous poster on the internet is or isn’t.

Obviously people can only ever know what I post on here, talk is just trusting what I have said is all.

Can we please not have this become a fight.

Secretdebt
Fear not, your lies are safe with me

But my knowledge of how and why people get in to debt
and how to support them getting out of it
are very much based on my real life work
(I wrote the original standing order spreadsheet for a client about to buy a bugaboo, pointing out that they would still be paying for it when the child left school)

Please could the whole of mumsnet stop telling people they are liable for their spouse’s debts, or could become so. It simply isn’t true in the jurisdiction of England & Wales.

You are joint and severally liable for debts in joint names, ie you are both liable for all of it and it is not split 50/50 contrary to popular belief. There is no “your half and their half”.

Spouse does not miraculously become liable for debts in the other person’s sole name

Jointly owned assets would be called upon to repay a debt in one name, but this does not mean the spouse becomes liable for the debt.

In bankruptcy, the assets would be split 50/50 unless there is a reasons not to e.g. a deed of trust on a property dictating the split or initial input of funds.

Same if one spouse dies - the other does not become liable for debts in the other party’s sole name, but remains liable for joint debts.

If one spouse dies, debts in their sole name will have to be paid from their estate before any distributions to beneficiaries - this is not the surviving spouse becoming liable for the debts.

waits for someone to come along and contradict me, even though this is my area of professional expertise!

We are lucky in that the amount of debt is itself manageable it just pushes our plans back a few years.

That's what you think now.

You went in to the marriage and found out about secret debt, nearly called off the marriage, but it didn't stop there.
Now he's in almost 40K of debt and absolutely nothing to show for it.

He'll most likely continue in this way. I'm sorry to say, but it's not something to easily change.

He's been lying to you, most likely for your whole marriage, he's taken money away from you and lied about the car not being paid off yet, and also his wage in order to cover up his spending.

He also hasn't wanted to change, he's been caught by you. He's saying he wants to change as he's been caught red handed, however he had made no move to change until that moment.

Be careful how you go forward. If anything happens you could have to pay it all back. You believe he's pushed back your plans by a few years, do you really think that that's it now? It'll all stop and be fine, because that's a serious amount of money he's been throwing away.

Just think about it, and think about maybe putting some aside just for you and your kids in an emergency fund.

bethy15
I kindly refer you to the post of Isleepinahedgefund

Dear @MNHQ
loving your new account system, it makes spotting trolls so much easier

@Isleepinahedgefund
I'd love to have you over on the money board helping out as another grasp of the shoulder voice is always welcome

Please don’t do what I did. Found out after getting married, when I was already pregnant with our first child, that he had £23k of debt. I stayed and helped him sort it all out. He carried on getting into debt on and off throughout our 10 year marriage. I still stayed for the children until something happened which made me finally call it a day. About a week later I discovered another £24k of debt. So our marriage ended like it began. The relief of getting away from him was enormous.