Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can he refuse to divorce me without settling finances first?

41 replies

TeaCakesRus · 03/03/2019 14:23

I live in the property we purchased together 13 years ago with our 2 dd's. I have been paying the mortgage alone for 9 of those years (He pays maintenance). Our divorce was never settled due to us not agreeing on a financial settlement. He wants me to sell, however we have nowhere to go. I can afford the payments and my solicitor says a judge would not make us move out if he were to try to force a sale as he is housed and it's in the childrens best interests to stay in their home. When he moved out it was in negative equity and now it has equity he wants me to sell again. He is refusing to sign divorce papers unless I sell. My solicitor has said we can divorce without settling the finances and potentially stay until my youngest is 18.
He seems to think I am wrong and is texting me telling me there won't be a divorce if I don't sell as the finances have to be sorted regarding the house before any divorce can be settled.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 03/03/2019 14:36

Why are you believing him over a trained professional????

Shmithecat2 · 03/03/2019 14:41

Did you ever file any divorce paperwork? Petition? Decree Nisi issued?

lifebegins50 · 03/03/2019 14:41

It is advisable to have finances settled for this reason - as he can come back years later to reopen finances It is not essential however so you could proceed with the application. A judge may query the reason so your solicitor would have to prepare a summary.

How much equity is there now? Did he contribute a deposit? I would say getting a finance agreement would be good but that doesn't mean you have to sell the house.

Does he have assets such as a house and pension? If he is being greedy he might be silly as if this goes to court he could lose more.

LemonTT · 03/03/2019 14:43

Well you can divorce without his consent if you have been separated for 5 years. But it is not advisable to do this without a settlement. So you are both going to have reach an agreement or have one agreed for you. There are no guarantees on what that will be or what it will mean for you.

If you don’t he is always going to have a claim on the property and as the price grows so does his claim. Again what will this mean for you then?

I am assuming that the DDs are close to 18, can’t be more than 5 years away. Will you be able to give him c50% of the equity then?

RandomMess · 03/03/2019 14:44

You can divorce without settling finances in England but not advisable.

I would get on with settling finances for your peace of mind.

Is there a reason you want to get divorced now (other than not wanting to be married to him anymore!)

Original poster
TeaCakesRus · 03/03/2019 15:01

Got to the nisi. Yes, I remember my solicitor saying now that it is advisable as he could ask for 50% equity but i should collect proof of payments over the years. There is 80,000 equity now. I have paid 10,000 capital. My youngest is 11 so will continue to pay capital. We bought a house before this one together with no deposit. Made a little amount and borrowed 3k off my mum. He moved out and it was negative equity.
I just want to be free of him. Also need peace of mind that it won't all go to him if anything were to happen to me.
He would have to apply to the court to force a sale I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaCakesRus · 03/03/2019 15:03

He won't sign anything unless I sell. So can't settle anything. I thought I'd divorce now and deal with the finances when my youngest is 18 as I will be financially better off. I would have to pay alot of money to take him to court in which I can't afford.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/03/2019 15:07

You could still apply to court to get divorce explaining he won't sign, I believe they can force it through???

Ask on legal Thanks

Dickensnovel · 03/03/2019 15:07

Sounds like you can't afford not to settle soonest. You need serious legal advice, even if it is expensive; it may cost you more to wait!!

LemonTT · 03/03/2019 17:45

Well I don’t think he cares whether you sell or not. His aspiration will be to get £40k or there about. In 8 years maybe double that. Why not try meditation and start to force the issue.

lifebegins50 · 04/03/2019 12:47

The stalemate has to be broken as you risk losing more over the longer term. Please don't wait until your daughter is 18.

Is nisi still valid? If so start drafting a consent order and this can then go to court if needed.
What does he want from the house said? Focus on the financial settlement and make it conditional on divorce.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 04/03/2019 17:26

OP get your own solicitor sorted and sort out the financials from your end!

After you have the Nisi you can apply for the absolute (my ex did this without me signing anything) so AFAIK you don't need him to sign. Please check this out.

As far as the financials go, if you can prove your situation at the point he moved out then you are in a VERY strong position to NOT go 50/50 with the equity.

Get on the Wikivorce website and ask all the questions you need - they saved my sanity when I was going through this (and a fortune in solicitors fees)

StrongerThanIThought76 · 04/03/2019 17:28

...I wouldn't recommend divorcing without the finances being sorted though, if you apply for the Absolute then it becomes his responsibility to chase you and you can't start proceedings against him.

Original poster
TeaCakesRus · 05/03/2019 10:16

He won't sign anything in regards to the finances as he is saying he wants the house sold. I want something arranged before we divorce but don't have a choice. I could ignore the fact i am married to him and just continue to live in the property and pay the mortgage. It would then be up to him to force a sale when my youngest is 18 (in 7 years). He could now but I can't imagine him paying a court fee to do that. He thinks by refusing to divorce, I will sell. However my solicitor has said we can divorce without settling the finances. She did say it's better to sort it but not essential. He could try to get 50% equity but i will have proof of paying the mortgage alone for the past 9 years plus any more until my youngest dd is 18. That's approx 20k so they will take that off the equity then split it. I don't have a choice really. Unless I stay married to him.

OP posts:
MrKeef · 05/03/2019 13:57

I'm going through a similar situation atm. We separated 4 years ago. She stayed in the marital home with the kids. I moved out into social housing. She is the one that wanted the separation. My solicitor issued a initial petition based on 2 years separation. She refused to sign it. We are now proceeding on unreasonable behaviour grounds (verbal agressive abuse). My solicitor told me it is best to get the divorce done before sorting the finances. He said that once the nisi is done the courts then have the power to make judgement on how the finances are split.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 05/03/2019 16:13

Op take him to court yourself. My ex didn't agree to our finances and the deadlock forced me into a corner - I called his bluff and instructed court proceedings.

He can be as obstructive as he likes, it will not go down well with a judge!

In my case (I'd moved out already) the judge ordered him to sell the house at any offer above £x - if he refused the judge would have signed off the sale himself! If you have been paying off negative equity and the rest since he left there's a good chance he's not going to get anywhere close to what he thinks he is.

Which of you wants the divorce finalised?

Original poster
TeaCakesRus · 05/03/2019 16:30

MrKeef - but I have to pay to take it to the courts. That's about 800 upfront then another 800. I can't financially afford it. I already have paid about 1000.
StrongerThanIThought76 - I want to stay not force a sale. I am divorcing him and initially he was cooperating. Going back 5 years he actually wanted to come off the mortgage as it was negative equity and I had accumulated arrears (due to moving jobs as he wouldn'thelp with childcare). Arrears have been paid as of last year.
I want the divorce as I just want to be free of him. He definitely doesn't want to be married to me as he lives with someone he met 8 years ago. He knows I do so he is saying he won't finalise anything. I asked him if we could finalise, agreeing that I sell in 2 years or buy him out (as I have just qualified as a nurse so will have a salary plus my credit rating will be better) but he refused saying no sell now and I will take 30%. If you don't I won't sign divorce papers and just ignore letters from your solicitor and go for 50% eventually. He knows rented accommodation is more expensive. He also knows I went to the council and they said we would be housed in a b&b out of are a until housing would be available. I have worked hard for this home, why should I move into council.

I explained it would all be disruptive for our dc's and could he wait a little longer. His answer was 'well unfortunately divorce is distruptive'. He doesn't care.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/03/2019 16:33

If you continue to pay the mortgage and simply ignore the fact you are married, you may find yourself having to hand over 50% of the equity when your dc are 18 and he forces a sale then. Trust me it won’t feel nice knowing you’ve paid all that money and he can pay sod all from now onwards and swan off with half.

I’d want it sorted out now before you pay more into the house.

Go and speak to your solicitor and do what they advise, stop listening to your ex who doesn’t have a law degree!

I remember my solicitor telling me the amount of people she spoke to who’d google the ‘law’ and then argue with her about it after she’d spent years training for her law degree.

RandomMess · 05/03/2019 17:02

Hmmmm can you double check to see if you could afford to but it now??

The market is rubbish.... get it valued but it on the market and when you've had loads of derisory offers buy it/we'll give him 30% of its true current value which is probably less than he thinks...

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 05/03/2019 17:09

You really need to force a settlement. Financial decisions during divorce are made according to need. Yes, if you've paid everything on the house for many years, that will help your case for retaining the equity. But if he ever became ill, or was otherwise unable to work, his need would trump the fact that you've made those payments, and he could walk away with 50% or even more. And that risk never goes away until you've got a court-ordered financial settlement in place - he could still come back to you 20 years from now and demand money.

You don't need him to agree a settlement to bring this to a conclusion. It's better if he does, because then it can be done through a consent order that the court rubber stamps. But, if he doesn't agree, then a judge will impose an order.

lifebegins50 · 05/03/2019 20:46

Please don't stay married as you really could lose more.

You are in a strong position, draft a letter with a proposal for financial settlement and say you will apply to court for a judgement based on your proposal.

£1k now spent would really be worth it in the long term.

The application to court is for financial remedy..the courts will help you to apply and there are online resources as mentioned above.

I know it feels tough but its the only way you will be free of him.
Does he pay cms?

MrKeef · 06/03/2019 01:03

I'm lucky in that I qualify for legal aid. I was going to let it lie for a few years but have decided that it is best to get it done sooner rather than later. I'm just fed up with the tie to my W.

Once the divorce is final the financials can be agreed before the property is sold. The courts will probably rule that my W and kids can stay there until they become non-dependant. So the split is agreed now and the sale of the property deferred.

I would recommend getting a Will made out and a Notice of Severance of Joint Tenancy so that your ex will not automatically inherit everything if you should die. But only if you want to. My wish is that most will go to my kids rather than my ex W.

MrKeef · 06/03/2019 01:11

I forgot to mention that my solicitor said the Courts really do not like contested divorce petitions. They see it as a waste of time. My solicitor is an Advanced Family Law Expert Panel Member. He has many years of divorce cases and has only had one contested that was accepted and that was when he was in training.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 06/03/2019 02:04

You can issue a petition. If he wont file the acknowledgement your lawyer can apply to the court for deemed service. The divorce can go ahead without him. Finances can be looked at after Decree Nisi but you shouldn’t apply for the Absolute until they’ve been agreed.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/03/2019 19:20

A couple of hrs d spent now forcing a divorce and financial settlement will save a whole host of grief later. Agree a payment schedule with your solicitors so you don’t have to pay it all in one go

Swipe left for the next trending thread