DH thinks I cheated

[EllenBach]

This is a bit complicated so might be long as I will try not to drip feed.
DH and I have been together over 30yrs and have 2 DC early 20s who don't live at home. He has a tendency to be a bit moody but on the whole we get on well and have had a happy marriage.
These last few months his moodiness has been a lot worse and a change in our circumstances mean we spend a lot more time together so it's all been pretty tense. So last night I finally pulled him up on it a and asked for explanations and it turns out that he believes (80% sure according to him) that I had an affair 5 years ago and he has bottled it up all this time.
Now this is absolutely not true and I was completely gobsmacked when he said the name of my supposed lover as I can barely remember him. It is some guy I did some admin/paperwork for and tbh I did find him a bit creepy. He was a bit over friendly but didn't make any overt propositions and I tried to make it clear that I was happily married and not interested.
Anyway I went to his place for a couple of hours a week for about 5 months (he wasn't always present and I had a key) and I was quite relieved when the job was finished. I was completely open about all this with DH and just made jokes about it all.
So of course I asked DH why he didn't say anything at the time and he said he didn't want to cause a scene and upset our DC. The reason he is so sure is that apparently he intercepted a message on our answering machine where his guy was saying he was sorry he'd missed me, so he has put 2 and 2 together and made 10.
He also then brought up an incident which happened in the very early stages of our relationship: I was still at uni, aged 20 and had a ons with another student which (future) DH found out about by reading my private diary. So because of this he thinks I'm untrustworthy and capable of cheating when I have been totally faithful ever since.
I have denied all this until I'm blue in the face but it is obviously tormenting him. He says he is ashamed of the way he feels but can't get these suspicions out of his mind.
I'm not sure what I'm really asking here except how to convince him I'm innocent and how can we move on from this.

Any chance he is projecting onto you? When my ex was cheating he started to act a bit like this with me, started to create arguments and act like I was up to something when the whole time he was seeing a co-worker.

No I dont think so. I have never had reason to suspect him of anything and I really had to drag this info out of him.

I agree with PP. Most likely explanation is that something has made him feel like he can't be trusted and he's projecting that feeling onto you.

Worse moodiness recently, accusing you of cheating years ago, it's possible he's trying to justify an affair he's having or intends to have. Making you the bad guy so he doesn't have to feel like he is.

The way he's raking through the past sounds like he's trying to justify something to himself.

His sister has recently split from her DH after 20 yrs which I think has affected him. He often says "it could happen to anyone"

Also as I said our circumstances now mean we are together almost 24/24. We have also recently moved to an area where we don't have many friends so, I don't really think he is cheating.

Major life and family upheaval can cause a certain type of person to feel their age, fail to cope with it and start playing around to feel "young" again. Perhaps his sister's long-marriage breakdown is his trigger. Who knows. You know you haven't chested and, really, he knows it too.

I was with my ex nearly 24/7 due to recovery from surgery. He was texting a co-worker one whatsapp. I don't know, it does seem odd that he is raking through all of that. Hopefully others will come on with other views on it.

*cheated

*on not one sorry

Red flags.
Reading your diary was a huge violation of your privacy.
Does he do (m)any things from this list of signs of emotional abuse?

Another possibility is that he is unhappy and wants to leave me but doesn't want to be "the bad guy" so he wants to justify his actions by casting me as "the bad guy".
Our DC often say how proud of us they are as so many of their friends' parents have divorced and we are still together. It would kill them if we split and he knows this.

Reading your diary was a huge violation of your privacy
Yes, I totally agree with this and I've never forgiven him but no, he is not emotionally abusive and has always been encouraging and supportive.

He isn't over protective of his phone or iPad. Doesn't even have a passcode on them. All our money is joint and I have access to all accounts.

So why did you continue the relationship after he read your diary? You were young and could easily have moved on surely?

So why did you continue the relationship after he read your diary?
I ve asked myself that question many times too.
I guess I felt bad about the way I acted and he was completely devastated by what he found out and begged for us to stay together.

Stop being your H’s emotional whipping boy. You can not prove you didn’t have an affair and you won’t be made out to be the bad guy to appease his over active imagination.

Playing devels advocate here, the incident in Uni has made him not trust you 100%. If the genders were reversed here, the responses would be different. It is natural to not fully trust someone who has betrayed you. In his mind you've done it before and could do it again.

Maybe he was suspicious and read your diary. Perhaps the manner in which you wrote about it wasn't with regret.

He may have violated your privacy, but I think cheating on him was worse.

Yes, he chose to continue the relationship, but so do many women whose BF cheat before marriage.

Onto your current situation. I'd reiterate that I haven't cheated since that one time and you really can't say anymore about it, as there's nothing to say.

Would he consider marriage counselling?

i didn't see the bit about the ons. I suppose rsentment could build over the years about that if you didn't talk it over at the time?

I have told him that my conscience is clear and that if he can't believe me then that's his problem. I didn't say it quite as harshly as that but I'm not going to beg for forgiveness for a crime I haven't committed.

I think if I'd known at the time that he would hold it over me 30 yrs later I would have run for the hills but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I thought we could forget about it and move on, he obviously can't.

I’m afraid I agree with the people who say he’s projecting, I’ve seen the same happen with couples I know (including my own parents) many times. Then when you find out about their affair they claim its justified because they ‘know’ you also had one.

Would he consider marriage counselling?
I did suggest he talk about it to a professional but he said he's too embarrassed. I guess because underneath he knows nothing ever happened.

Can't blame him for thinking you're capable of an affair

You are capable

He's a bit of an idiot for handling it in the way he is - moodiness and being so lacking in proactivity are pathetic

Your kids will cope if you split - believe me, they will