DH thinks I cheated

[EllenBach]

This is a bit complicated so might be long as I will try not to drip feed.
DH and I have been together over 30yrs and have 2 DC early 20s who don't live at home. He has a tendency to be a bit moody but on the whole we get on well and have had a happy marriage.
These last few months his moodiness has been a lot worse and a change in our circumstances mean we spend a lot more time together so it's all been pretty tense. So last night I finally pulled him up on it a and asked for explanations and it turns out that he believes (80% sure according to him) that I had an affair 5 years ago and he has bottled it up all this time.
Now this is absolutely not true and I was completely gobsmacked when he said the name of my supposed lover as I can barely remember him. It is some guy I did some admin/paperwork for and tbh I did find him a bit creepy. He was a bit over friendly but didn't make any overt propositions and I tried to make it clear that I was happily married and not interested.
Anyway I went to his place for a couple of hours a week for about 5 months (he wasn't always present and I had a key) and I was quite relieved when the job was finished. I was completely open about all this with DH and just made jokes about it all.
So of course I asked DH why he didn't say anything at the time and he said he didn't want to cause a scene and upset our DC. The reason he is so sure is that apparently he intercepted a message on our answering machine where his guy was saying he was sorry he'd missed me, so he has put 2 and 2 together and made 10.
He also then brought up an incident which happened in the very early stages of our relationship: I was still at uni, aged 20 and had a ons with another student which (future) DH found out about by reading my private diary. So because of this he thinks I'm untrustworthy and capable of cheating when I have been totally faithful ever since.
I have denied all this until I'm blue in the face but it is obviously tormenting him. He says he is ashamed of the way he feels but can't get these suspicions out of his mind.
I'm not sure what I'm really asking here except how to convince him I'm innocent and how can we move on from this.

Sorry Op but I agree with the others regarding him projecting onto you - this is exactly what my dad did to my mum after over 30 years of marriage. Turns out he was cheating with a much younger woman.

Your husband is right to be suspicious. You're not trustworthy.

I wouldn’t forgive someone who read my diary.

I agree Gina2012. I think anyone is "capable" of an affair and no one can say they will never cheat but surely 30+ years of being faithful shows some commitment.

So you have cheated in the past?

Ffs can people not read?

A ons when one is in the early stages of a relationship is not cheating. Unless you are exclusive that is generally how things work. He chose to stay with OP and it’s utterly ridiculous of him to try to claim some kind of distrust of her at this stage in the game. The time to make that stand was back then, so fuck that guilt trip for a game of soldiers.

You should do absolutely no begging for forgiveness for the crime you have not committed, and he needs to figure out why he is obsessing like this now.

Stop trying to convince him. It’s not fair of him to drag stuff up from 30 YEARS ago.

I’d honestly give him the option to leave rather than get in to a state of begging him to believe you. 30 years ago for Christ’s sake.

I’d be really annoyed tbh. It’s bull shit and he wants to punish you for something.

I don't necessarily think it's projection on his part. He could genuinely think something happened.

Sometimes we think we can forgive something...but that doesn't mean he'll ever forget.

He may have honestly thought at the time he would be able to move past it. Like yourself he was quite young and we all change as we mature.

I mentioned it before, but the manner in which you wrote about the ONS may be a contributing factor.

Saying I cheated on Tim last night and I feel so bad about it. Is very different to saying something like I had an amazing time, he rocked my world and it was a great night.

He shouldn't feel embarrassed to talk to a counsellor about it. They are trained professionals, who don't judge.

Maybe individual counselling would be better at the moment. Just one on one. He can be honest without you there. He probably doesn't want to appear insecure and vulnerable in front of you, on in case you perceive it as him being weak.

A ONS in a new relationship thirty years ago doesn't make anyone more or less likely to cheat in a long marriage. People really will do anything to blame the OP won't they?

My first thought was he's gearing up to cheat or leave.

I agree with SandyY2K, my dh cheated in the very early stages of our relationship 25 years ago and well its part of the foundations really. It was always in the back of my mind he had potential to cheat again, why wouldn't it? Sure I forgave him but I never forgot. As a consequence it clouded a lot of situations over the years. People on here judging OP's dh abu. If he never fully trusts op again that's not his fault, it's hers.

I think if I'd known at the time that he would hold it over me 30 yrs later I would have run for the hills but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I think if he's of known that he'd never be able to fully trust you again and how it would effect him for the rest of your marriage, he probably should of run for the hills. I'm sure he's saying hindsight is a wonderful thing too....

It depends whether they had agreed to be exclusive or not, doesn't it?

I agree Gina2012. I think anyone is "capable" of an affair and no one can say they will never cheat but surely 30+ years of being faithful shows some commitment.

For me ? Absolutely yes

For your husband? It appears not.

My gut is he's depressed/mid life crisis/ not happy and trying to find an excuse to create an ending. Your ONS has (in his skewed vision) given him one

He's certainly acting like a 15 year old which I wouldn't find attractive

Is your H depressed.? Have all the changes been too much for him although on the surface he seems to be getting on with life okay.

If he has become a bit obsessed over his S's divorce perhaps he could be having a MH crisis and is thinking along "illogical pathways" and has concoted this scenario from a dark thought partly linked to the divorce? It could be true, although it totally isn't.

I've come across similar scenarios where someone has accused their loved one of past misdeamours (affair, children not theirs etc) that is untrue but "could" be true. The accuser often has a lack of evidence or even back story or evidence to support their accusation but are genuinely convinced they are right. They need counselling and to see the GP, not to enter marriage counselling. Has he beens behaving coldly towards you or belittling you, are you walking on "eggshells"?

It may be about change and losing "control" . Family divorce, breavements, children leaving home, retirement etc can all cause dissonant thinking . Often the accusers a few months down the line will realise that what they have been thining and saying is not true, but dreadful damage will have been done.

I'm not saying this is definitely what is happening, but it might be worth considering. Only you know your situation in detail.

Crikey, I can't believe people here are giving you stick for a one-night stand thirty years ago. Apparently there's never any atoning or rehabilitation in Mumsnetland.

Is his mental health OK? Could anything be going on for him such Sapatsea suggests?

He has been putting emotional distance between you for months.

I’m not buying the sudden dredging up of your 30 year old ONS and the 5 year old work situation. He begged for you to stay together 30 years ago, and presumably forgave you. You have since proven to be a devoted wife and mother.

His new accusation of the 5 year old scenario is ridiculous. He has been suspicious because your employer, whose home you openly worked in, left a message saying, “Sorry I missed you.”? At the time you had discussed this odd man and laughed about him. DH is now claiming that he didn’t want to upset the children by bringing up his suspicion. I call BS on that. He could have easily discussed it with you after they went to bed. Now he is 80% sure you cheated. Preposterous.

I don’t believe that he really thinks you cheated 5 years ago, or that he has been suspicious of you for 30 years. You were wrong to cheat, but he asked you to stay. You’ve had a good marriage.

He has no right to bully and manipulate you now. I wouldn’t tolerate it. As for counseling, he is too embarrassed to go, but yet he is all for tormenting you with his irrational mistreatment.

He is thinking of everything he can to put distance between you. I hope you can discover why.

Thank you for all your replies, I have read them carefully.
Mother of creek - he wants to punish you for something.
This is exactly what I said to him before all this came out, I feel like I'm being punished and I don't know what for.
SandyY2k I can't remember the exact words I wrote in my diary but it was fairly factual and I did say I felt guilty.
SapatSea I think your post is very perceptive. I don't want to give too many details about our current situation but I can understand why he might feel trapped and be depressed.
I honestly don't think he is cheating or intending to. He's not controlling although he has a very complex personality and a tendency to sulk.
Ironically, since all this came out he has apologised and it has "cleared the air" but I'm not sure it will last.

Reading your OP I did initially think he was projecting but I'm not sure.
Yes, he shouldn't have read your diary, and you shouldn't have cheated but you've both got past that to continue it this long so in your shoes I'd believe those things were very much in the past.
I don't believe that he has contained this for 5 years without giving you any inkling that he thought that, it would eat away. It sounds like there's a few things going on in your lives that could have rocked him recently and he's been thinking back to that phone call/message - put 2 + 2 together and for whatever reason come up with 5.
That said, if you have tried to explain and reassure him then under no circumstances should you allow him to bully and manipulate you.
If you have suggested he go speak to a professional already then I'd tell him that's what needs to happen and soon.
I couldn't live under those circumstances when I've not done what I'm being accused of.
Good luck

I don't believe that he has contained this for 5 years without giving you any inkling that he thought that,
He used to say stupid things things like, for instance, if he had to go away for work "well, you'll be alright, you be able to see your lover". I never thought for a moment that he really believed that.
Anyway, I think the ball is in his court now.
As I said, my conscience is clear and I'm not going to beg him or be bullied by him.

EllenBach - my DH jokes with me constantly about my ''secret lovers'' ''2nd and 3rd Husbands'' etc and I play along winding him up too. (I work in male dominated environment, and regularly receive gifts from my customers)
I would not for one moment think that he meant it or actually thought that. I'd be so shocked. If he genuinely had an issue or had any kind of insecurity about it I'd hope he would tell me and NOT wait 5 frigging years to do so.
Anyway, I think the ball is in his court now
Yes, definitely. He's made the claim/ accusation - You have responded and answered him honestly. What he chooses to do with that is up to him but emotionally abusing you with sly little digs masqueraded as jokes is not on.

"...up an incident which happened...had a ons with another student..."

Interesting way of describing cheating. It was not an "incident" you cheated on him...(I assume you were in a relationship at the time..?)

I know it's 30 years ago, and he may have forgiven you but has not forgotten. It's obvious that he still loves you, maybe you need to cut him a bit of slack, reassure him he is still loved.

OP - I just wonder whether anything has changed in your relationship? Have you become more distant or distracted, a loss of affection, kindness, intimacy, quality time together?
Every one of the signs that people pick up on that indicate infidelity have alternative explanations. But that doesn’t mean that nothing is wrong. If he’s an over thinker (sounds like it) and if he’s not projecting his own infidelity- is there something else that’s changed over time?

He says he's ashamed and embarrassed about how he feels... it doesn't sound like projection to me.

He didn't come out with a accusations, you had to drag it out of him. He probably wouldn't have said anything otherwise.

Perhaps something has triggered him recently and the ONS came to his mind.

I don't see where he's bullying you over it...you say he's always been a moody type of person.

Does he have low self esteem? Are you quite fit and attractive? And him not so much as time has gone by.

Ellen, when you say, his moodiness has been a lot worse, how do you mean?

My ex did this although I never cheated on him, sounds like you did cheat on him? Have I read that right?

My ex believed that I had had sex with another young man when I was 22, when we were together. He'd tell me the air was cleared every few years after having a massive wobble about it each time... he was a complex character... he was moody... etc. I spent a huge amount of time and energy trying to make him feel safe and to trust me. I think I probably married him in an effort to reassure him, for example.

Nothing worked. Eventually he demanded I stop working so that I wouldn't be out fucking other men all day. I spent one night begging him to believe me and the next morning something in me broke and I realised I just couldn't be with someone who spent our entire relationship trying, at best, to convince himself I wasn't a terrible faithless person.

I took our DC and left a few weeks later. Best decision i ever made.

There are some things that have to be the basic price of admission when it comes to a relationship. For example... you have to believe that the other is faithful. It shouldn't ever be something that's in question. I'd go so far as to say its cruel to stay with someone you dont trust... why put them through that? Or yourself???

It wears you down, having to constantly argue that you're not doing these ridiculous things. I wish you the best.

Thank you again for your comments and insights, they have given me much food for thought.
Dadaist Our relationship has changed recently- a house move and career change mean we are much more equal regarding income and general decision making. Maybe he feels intimidated by that.

SandyY2K I think his self esteem is okay. In the early days I was probably considered more attractive (he certainly told me so) but he has aged well (IMO) and I think we're quite even now.

MsDogLady His bouts of moodiness have been more often and more prolonged. I usually just ignore him but when it's gets really bad I confront him about it. He's not outright rude or nasty just subdued and doesn't initiate any physical contact.

Rvby - I probably married him in an effort to reassure him. Yes, that's how it was for me, but I do love him and don't want our marriage to break down.
Your ex sounds much more insecure than my DH. We don't constantly argue, it is something that was buried deep in our relationship and has now resurfaced.