Estranged families; your stories please

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi. I'm completely estranged from my father, I have been nearly all my life apart from a few spells when I was younger, when he'd sit in front of the TV in the house of whatever woman he was with at the time. I don't know any of that side of my family either. My mum got in a relationship with a man when I was about five who would hit and belt my brother and I and j basically lived a life of discomfort and at times fear, until I moved out at 19.
I have mental health issues due to this, complex trauma.
My mum has been with another man for nearly two years she met online, he's v.overweight, he's got a very strong accent I can barely understand and swears, so I don't like my children to be around him. Tbh, he hasn't done anything wrong to me, but I just cannot make myself like him, I do not want to be around him and unsurprisingly he doesn't want to be around me.
My mum is aloof, she has no forward thinking and is living In my uncles house with this new guy he seemingly moved in straight away. She got over £80k when the old house sold, and just spent the lot.

How can I move past this, does any have stories to share. It's putting further strain on my relationship with my mum, and my grandmother who hates any negativitity.

I don’t have a story like this, but couldn’t read and run. I just want to say you sound quite balanced given what you’ve been through. I hope you have lots of lovely friends.

Thank you Latent. I do have some lovely friends thank god! I'd just like to let go of the bad feelings, I feel almost ashamed of my mum and I find it would be easier if my dad was dead, not because anybody is asking about him, apart from my children sometimes, but because it would be easier to accept than a dad who is not bothered about you and doesn't know you.

Wow that was maybe a bit heavy for a Sunday morning !! Sorry !

Struggling with a complicated situation myself and have no idea how to move past it either.
I asked my DF why he went nc with me for 15 years growing up and told him I'd like to be closer now as we aren't close in the slightest. He won't engage in the conversation and won't respond. So I think this means he's cut me off again. I'm in my 3rd trimester with 2nd DC and I'm utterly broken hearted.

DM is a nightmare too, always prioritised men over her kids, pretends to be interested in her DC and DGC but the action just isn't there. It was not the happiest of childhoods. This is the very very short version!
Much like you it puts a strain on relationships with every other family member.

I've got LC with my DM and reduced my expectations to zero, which has really helped. But it took me a long time to accept that zero expectations was the best thing. Can you do something similar with your DM?

I'm not sure what to do about DF as this is a live situation. I wish he hadn't got back in contact tbh as I'm utterly heartbroken that he has his own perfect family but won't engage about the time he walked away from the children of his previous marriage.

I've had a lot of counselling and cbt which has really helped me in the past to understand my own feelings.

I can absolutely understand your point when you said you wish you hadn't tried to get back in contact. I think there's something to be said in the silence, it's calmer, and means you don't have to take the plaster off. You've tried though, for the right reasons, there's nothing else you can do, then onnis is on him. Focus on the polewho do love you and want to be in your life, your friends. You've got this, having children when your family is estranged is very difficult, be kind to yourself, you've tried, it's more than I would do. Like you my dad has gone on and had other children, I think he's remarried twice maybe, and I know of five other children aside from my brother and I. I'm not even going to try with him, he once told me" you can't miss what you've never had" ...so no point.

I am trying to put expectations to zero for my mum, I think it's more difficult as she is my only parent. I resent her, I'm not proud of her. She isn't really interested in me or my children, not to any depth any way, she just focuses on spending money, she has no life insurance and her bf isn't working, yuck. Do you think its okay not to like this new bf? I feel it's more a reflection of her.

OpportunityKnocks

I would be just as angry at him for doing this, its ok to be angry and at that time you were but a child. Both your mother and father prioritised their own selves over you as their children and they are inherently selfish individuals. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. Neither I would argue have fundamentally altered since your own childhood.

Tell your dad what he really deserves to know now of your life which is nothing. He anyway does not deserve to have you or your own family unit in your life at all and you really do not need him nor his approval. He is a weak bystander of a man who has now put his second family first and that may also be at the behest of his wife, as I wrote he is truly a weak and weak willed individual.

I find keeping people who don't value me, don't respect me and don't provide any benefit is much harder. I find going nc is emotionally very hard and makes me question what I have done wrong. Society makes me feel like we should care for and receive care from families, but this is not always the case. Go low contact, do the absolute minimum, expect nothing and avoid giving this person your valuable head space.

Of course you can miss what you never had, especially when you see siblings that got the father that you didn't. He sounds very cruel. I don't know about you, but a lot of my friends and extended family come from divorced families and they've all managed better than this. I find it frustrating that he won't even try to talk to me about it.

I moved away from my home town which has helped with my DM.
You can just not like him, although it might be a reflection of her. I've like some of my DMs bfs and not others, but I've resented them all because I'm expected to spend time with them when actually I just want to see my DM by herself without the stranger that will change again in 6 months.
Can you meet her outside of the house rather than with him where they live? Lunch out, at another family members house or your own. It's the only way I've been able to manage it

Wading, have you ever had any counselling? It's worth considering if not.

I too have a 'complicated' family, and I can sympathise with the pain and anguish this causes you op. I 'get it'.

I am assuming you have considered counselling, this would be of great benefit.

With my family nc was just too hard from me (I found it to be a massive guilt inducing nightmare and caused me more pain. I know that is common, but mine did not diminish in time - I wish it had)

So for me very low contact was the way to go, and has worked well. I don't harbour anger or resentment any longer, I just accept (it has taken years and took a lot of work) that for whatever reason their priorities are different from mine.

No expectations from anyone, and I mean zero, they may be the only living family you have but they are unlikely to ever step up
Send perhaps cards for occasions
Only have the contact you feel comfortable with
Build the most rock solid support network and friendship around you, so you don't need them
Don't overextend your life, so have less need for them (kids, money etc)
Become emotionally independent
Hold them at arms' length, it is no longer your job to rush to them, help them any longer

It is called 'civil contact' where you are kind but distant

It works well for me. Good luck op.

It is no fun having a crap family but you can insulate yourself from much of the fall out.

@attila thanks for the perspective. I wobble and question myself sometimes.

I think civil contact sounds like a good idea. It's frustrating to expect more from someone as it's been said , has different priorities. It's a shame, but I suppose, we can strive never to be like them to friends, other family and our children. My mum doesn't really have any friends outside work, she has never prioritised them, and I suppose that speaks to her character, as long as she got a man, no matter how inappropriate, she doesn't bother. And very good point about becoming emotionally independent, that is definitely a goal.

Opportunity well done for all your trying so far. You can't change people, you can only chose how you react to them and their behaviour.

I phoned my grandmother last night to ask about her hospital appointment. I couldn't go because I was at work and can't have time off, and my mum was visiting my brother, so my mum's bf went. Then she told me he's taking her out to lunch today. I felt a surge of anger about it and shouted at her that I didn't want to hear about him, I felt awful afterwards and phoned back to apologise.

My mother always put her kids last. She told me she had to get married because I was the way and she's never forgiven me.
I have one sibling who is low contact with her, mother was invited to siblings wedding. Other than that I've seen her once in 30 yrs. Her now husband doesn't even know I exist.

I have had to decide to go LC/NC with family members.
It is the opposite situation to what most people on here experience.

I was a single parent. The father failed to act in any way like a father. He showed more loyalty to his parents than to me as the wife or the children. He tried to manipulate me but I was not taken in and refused to engage. He was then not seen for 15 years and I was pleased with that. Less hassles in my life.

He then appeared once the children were adults. He has lied about what happened. Despite the fact that I thought my children were reasonably intelligent and aware people, they have taken his story as gospel. They were told and then reminded by me that he was a useless person in our lives.

I feel taken advantage of in that I provided for my children, he did nothing but cause stress. Now he is believed and I am constantly being expected to believe what the children relate as his view of the past. His lies are obvious but he just lies some more when told how wrong he is. I feel old and tired, I am ill and I am just not prepared to argue the points. Neither do I think I should accept the lies as facts.
The only way then is to absent myself.

flowers that is heartbreaking to read, how awful, I'm so sorry you've been so let down by the woman who is supposed to care for you the most. I cannot fathom how anyone could be like this. Do you and your sibling get on well?

Thebouquets how long has he been back for? Your children may believe his story now, as it may be easier for them to digest, they may want to believe it. But once the novelty of him being around wears off, I'm sure they will question his version of events, after all, what could you have done for 15 years to completely stop contact,to make him fuck off...nothing, there is usually a slither of something if the dad REALLY REALLY wants to be involved.

@Wadinghtroughshit Thanks for your response.

He has been back around 6 or 7 years now. He plays the poor soul at great length. He was apparently terribly skint paying Child Maintenace yet I have had a letter about the failure to collect money twice. He took me to court for access and the judge refused access to him because of his conduct i.e. bullying, financial misconduct etc. He didnt take it up with the Judge. That would be different from bullying a woman with children.
Strangely when I met one of the children's new partner I thought he was so like her dad. She could have two "men" manipulating the hell out of her but until she sees that nothing can be done. I am sorry for her but cant take the stress.

I know what you mean by a surge of anger. Any 'happy families' stuff I hear about DF and Dsis sends me into a rage. I have to remind myself it's surface stuff and just for appearances, clearly not interested in the difficult stuff.
It sounds like you are close to your DGM though? I'm sure she understands and knows your mum's behaviors?

Good idea about the emotional independence. I guess that's what I've done too with my DM, it's helped.
Civil contact would be good for your DM, she may not even notice - not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but it does mean you have more control of contact.

I am nc with some/most of my family and it wasn't the right decision for me but unfortunately I have burned my bridges. At the time I could only see the things I didn't like about the relationship.

what did I am sorry to read about your regret, are you sure things can't be reversed?

It's complicated Happy maybe one day.

whatdid I don't know why you would have gone nc with your family for no valid reason. Going nc just because you didn't 'like' aspects of your relationship is highly, highly unusual. Maybe you were in a bad place/bad state of mind at the time, or maybe you have their minimised behaviour in time?

If you were in a bad state of mind and made decisions to quickly then tell them, burning bridges sounds final, and I am sure any decent, reasonable person would react favourably.

If you have truly 'burnt your bridges', maybe they actually didn't care or love you enough to work harder/ be more forgiving/more understanding in that case you better off without them no? (and you were probably right to make the decision you did)

what did life is complicated.

Consider your actions, take responsibility for these and if you think all parties could engage in positive reconciliation, I would urge you to do so. Even if it doesn't work, at least you can move on with peace of mind

@whatdid If you think you made the wrong choices would it be possible for you to meet up with a relative in a public place and talk things over.
From my perspective, I would love it so much if my relatives could see that teaming up with the estranged parent is not a good move. I would love if they could set their own bar a whole lot higher and get themselves treated so much better than what has happened to them

Thanks for your comments.
Springwalk I was in a bad place but could not see that at the time.

I am working through things and getting stronger but don't feel ready to make contact yet.