Is this enough? Money related

[amilosingitor]

Having an ongoing discussion with DP about our finances. We have 4 children between us, one that's ours and the rest are all with us 50/50. 2 are mine, 1 his. Not sure if relevant but just in case it is - it's there.

Rent is 500 a month. Everything else, bills, general living is the same as every other average family. Is £200 a week towards absolutely everything enough for DP to contribute? I personally don't think he understands just how much I have to pay out for, all the little things as well as the bills, food, fuel, clothes, baby stuff, the list is never ending. I should also point out I earn in a month what he earns in a week.

Of course it's not enough. You do live together I'm assuming?

Oh come on. You know what the answer is. Do you get any benefits?

Oh hang on you have monthly rent and then WEEKLY contribution in the same paragraph. I misread it as £200 a month.

It depends exactly what the bills are and what "everything" means. Probably still slightly on the stingy side, but bills and expenses vary so much.

Why not have a joint account?

I was asking my son what him and his partner do about bills, he says they split everything down the middle even though she earns more than him. But if he earns so much more than you I think he should pay more.
have you drawn up a monthly budget and shown it to him?

£800 a month from him?

For himself and 1.5 kids (his and half of your shared child)

Sounds a lot to me.

Especially if you really earn 4 times as much as him.

@HotpotLawyer I think he earns 4x what she does?

@hotpotlawyer his weekly wage = her monthly, she doesn't earn more than him.

I would do a budget to breakdown everything that you spend on bills and joint expenses and have a discussion. If you're paying everything, does he know how much is actually being spent, perhaps that's the issue?

I think you need to establish some basic principles that seem fair to both of you. If he just pays xx per week then he’s leaving all the mental load to you and the onus is also on you to meet any shortfall out of your income or go cap in hand to ask him for more.

It might be more effective to start with the principles and work out the actual figures later. E.g. if either of you make or receive child support payments or receive child benefit then that could come into consideration? E.g. will you take into consideration if either partner is working less to look after children and facilitate the other to go to work? E.g. do both partners get the chance to save/have treats/interests/pay into a pension?

If he is saving then you should also be saving so that you are on equal terms when it comes to a change in circumstances such as buying a property or - just in case - splitting up.

Do a proper calculation but agree on the proportions first. Eg
an adult =1.
A child under 10 = 0.5.
10-14=0.75
15+=1

Then divide up all your bills and annual costs. I would include all spending on a spreadsheet and then discuss what gets included or not in the final calculations.

For us I pay more than DH cos my 2 kids live with us 100%. His kids live with us 50%.

All similar ages so we don't take that into account. Sports/activities we pay our part.

He pays petrol and car maintenance for the car he uses. I for mine.

Basically ours is fine more on feeling but we do have a calculation should it be required.

That looks like the old, nineties, CSA calculation @Wallywobbles . Fair enough, but it gets complicated and has to be recalculated every time someone moves up an age bracket.

Oops, sorrreeeee! Yes, he earns 4x what she does , not the other way around!

OP, do you do much of the childcare hence the warning discrepancy? Because that needs to be taken into account.

@ColeHawlins I agree, but I think taking the emotion out of money really helps and if you are the one paying for the bulk it helps the other understand how much running a household costs.

In our household I don't have a regular salary and most of my money comes in twice a year so I put my annual part into the joint account in February.

Yes, I can see how that might be a good idea.

Does the £200 pw include the rent?

How much do you both have left after bills? Who pays for food? How much do you earn? It's impossible to say.

If you earn 600 and he earns 2400 pays 800 and you're paying for the food shop and your own fuel if you commute and a few direct debits then you're probably getting a raw deal. If you earn 300 and he earns 1200 then it might be almost fair.

Please can I just start by saying my thread isn't to bash my DP as I'm not complaining, just generally trying to work things out as we have just moved after a difficult year, most of which was spent living temporarily with parents due to various reasons blah blah.

My "earnings" include child benefit, tax credit (am on maternity leave at the moment.

I am the one who looks after the children, has to find a job that fits around them/him, has to organise what happens with them if neither myself or him are around (rare) all school runs are my job, the housework, cooking washing etc. I play the "housewife, childcare provider" role regardless of working or not.

As pp has said, I think he is oblivious as to everything that really gets paid for, and paid for by me, he doesn't expect me to pay for everything, and I guess he just thinks I'd tell him I needed money if I needed some but I don't particularly want to be in that position unless I have to be. I guess I find it tough that according to my calculations, I end up with nothing/less than nothing and he still has £500 minimum left a week to spend on whatever he likes, of course his money does go on me, the kids etc but as someone else pointed out also, there's the mental load of having to make are things are paid etc. I will post more detailed figures etc in a moment but thanks for initial insights!! I was genuinely wondering if I was being greedy as he seems a bit aghast at the suggestion that I didn't believe it to be enough when I mentioned it yesterday

"As pp has said, I think he is oblivious as to everything that really gets paid for, and paid for by me, he doesn't expect me to pay for everything, and I guess he just thinks I'd tell him I needed money if I needed some but I don't particularly want to be in that position unless I have to be".

You being in a potential position to have to ask him for money further demeans further your own power within this relationship. You should not be in such a position ever.

You would like to think he is oblivious but I do not think he is at all. He may well be the sort of man who does not want to share (where is the rest of his money going?) and currently at least he has far more power and control in this relationship than you do. Someone who is earning 4 times as much as you are is I would argue not oblivious to overall household running costs. The fact that he seemed aghast at the suggestion that you did not believe his amount to be enough is for me another red flag re him. He knows its not enough but I would think he will not hand more cash over willingly if at all. You are facilitating his life. I would also think that tax credits are also keeping you afloat financially. Have you also had to dip into your maternity pay to keep finances afloat too?

You have been vague about how much the family outgoings are. That needs to be worked. He won’t know unless you both work it out. Look at your outgoing and incomes. In detail and accurately. There are templates you can download, look on the Money Saving Expert website.

Once you know that you can deduct any child support from the children’s other fathers and see were you both stand in terms of net cost. Don’t forget to budget for an emergency fund and agree what that can be used for.

After that you both need to agree non essential spends, a holiday fund and personal budgets. If you can afford it you could also set up savings funds for the children and yourselves.

The figures will speak for themselves. The discussion you both will need to have is how you fairly contribute. There are lots of combinations depending on your circumstances. If you are working part time to do childcare then he should pay more in recognition of that since you are losing income.

My personal advice would be that you don’t become reliant on his income or support to raise your children. You are not married and you rent a home. If he left tomorrow you would be left with all the costs and just a CMS payment from him. Statistically you relationship is likely to breakdown.

Bluntly you cannot afford to be financially naive for you children’s sakes alone.

Instead of posting detailed figures on MN, why not just sit down with him and the detailed figures - and then agree a way to split it between you?

Maybe have a joint account that you both put a certain % of earnings into each month, and that pays all bills, child costs etc.

I can’t imagine sharing a home and children with someone who won’t also share finances, but then I haven’t been part of a blended family and can appreciate that is different.

Communication between the two of you is key.

Is it 200 a week or month?

If he's giving you an amount weekly then I'm assuming that he is paid weekly.
So on the basis that your bills are monthly you need to
Multiply the monthly total for all bills by 12 to get the annual figure
Then divide that by 52 to get the weekly figure.

Alternatively you decide that your money covers all the fixed costs and his covers the variable costs like food, petrol and clothing, as these are more likely to be weekly expenses.

This is a good link

adamhagerman.com/share-expenses-living-together/

Do he gives you £200 a week, has £500 a week leftover. So earns £700 a week.

So how on earth are you eligible for tax credits?!

I would look to work out what the bills are and have a joint bills account for that

Then work our what you spend on food ( make sure it’s not too much ) and have a account or savings to budget this better ( somwhen the money runs out you can’t dip in further than you should ) ... look at last few months statements maybe to get an idea or work it out from your meal
Plan for the week?

Then think what you spend on clothes shoes and gifts and perhaps
Have a joint saving for that. ( use a 6 month average maybe off statements )

Talk him through all these costs and see if £800 cuts it or not ... i doubt it fully does .... but crunch the numbers and discuss it with out emotion/ plan of action and see what he says x x

£200 a week. I was just pointing out the cost of rent as it is much smaller than the average rental payment.

I pay for food. Household items. If anything is needed, I get it by simply because he's at work, I'm not so easier for me and all these things add up. I appreciate all comments and am going to sit down and make a detailed plan, getting insights from others perhaps pointing out things I may not have accounted for is helpful, the point of posting on mumsnet is for advice is it not? It's not a suggestion that I can't sit down and discuss things with him, I just find an outside perspective helpful. Jeez.

As a rough guide, He earns approx £800 a week, often more, although there are times when it's less but roughly.

I earn £225 a week.

I've worked out our outgoings are approx. £385 a week, so with his £200 towards that, I'm left with £40 a week.

The £385 a week does NOT include:

clubs/trips/random school expenses
Clothes for Baby (which is fairly often when it comes to babygrows as he is growing so quick!)
Clothes and shoes/ trainers for kids for day to day and school/pe/clubs
Clothes for us when we need them
Hair cuts for my son
Birthday cards/presents for family
Kids birthdays
Christmas/other events - Easter, Halloween etc.
Extra food/toiletries/essentials
Medicines
General day to day spending - drinks, food, parking tickets, little bits
Treats/days out for kids and for us
Any extras, things that break or need replacing, things people need, things we need at home
Meals out/takeaways
Bits and bobs for the house

Etc