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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t think this is ever going to stop

51 replies

CocoDeMoll · 02/03/2019 21:21

Our whole relationship just goes round in circles.

He’s selfish but loving, loves being part of a family but does shite all childcare. He works so bloody hard but sees any non working time as completely his to do with what he wants. Ive always been in work myself till now (second baby 10minths and it doesn’t make financial sense to go back to work yet)

Looses his temper every day over small things like noise.

Massively selfish with money. I use my savings atm because I can’t work because our baby.

He loves me and our dc so much. We love him but I find life so much easier when he’s at work.

I have posted about this stupid relationship so many times but I just feel exhausted (again) by all of this.

OP posts:
Jon65 · 02/03/2019 21:30

Perhaps you could look at returning to work? It sounds rather as if things are on his terms and he doesn't see you as a unit. If he has problems now with noise, it's going to get worse before it gets better. I also have an issue with noise and I am on the spectrum so it might be worth having a think about whether that may be an avenue to investigate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2019 21:31

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You will keep going around in circles with this selfish individual if you do not set yourself and in turn your kids free of him.

What is still actively preventing you from leaving this man; fear of him, fear of the unknown, the kids, money worries going forward?. Its probably all that and more besides. If you can express your fears then maybe your fears will be alleviated over time.

You prop up his image of being the family man when he is anything but, you give him a veneer of respectability and credence. He only loves his own self and is not willing to share his time or money (which he regards as his too). Abuse as well thrives on secrecy; I would think that you have not told anyone either family or friends about his true nature.

Why are you still with this person, staying for the children if that is your main reason to stay with him is a bad idea. Do you want them to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women?. I also see possible indicators here of you also being financially abused by him particularly in the event that you do not have free access to money. What's going to happen when your savings run out?. You will then go to him and what will he say?. He will in all likelihood make you accountable for every penny. When was the last time you got your haircut at a hairdressers?. I would also think that he freely spends money whilst you scrimp and scrabble about for cash.

Do have a chat with Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you here if you call them.

RandomMess · 02/03/2019 21:33

How can you say he loves you when he is so unloving towards you? Financial abuse and complete selfishness over being a partner and parent.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2019 21:34

He sounds fucking awful

Stop posting about it and take action.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2019 21:39

As I stated earlier coco this man only loves his own self. Not you people at all.

I would also think he will actively sabotage any attempt you now make to go back to work. Another hallmark of a controlling man.

He has an issue with noise because he is a selfish and abusive individual, end of.

I have to look at you in all this too because you're also in this relationship. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up and did your father behave similarly towards your mother?.

Original poster
CocoDeMoll · 02/03/2019 21:39

We are props. That’s true. He likes the family thing. He’s not abusive. Financially he’s just selfish, again not abusive. He just doesn’t like to acknowledge the fact I can’t work right now but I’m payong half the outgoings as usual. He’d love me to be back In work and contributing but having a baby as well as a 5yr old it doesn’t make financial sense. I’d be paying for childcare to the amount I’d be earning.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 21:41

Utter selfishness IS abuse, though.

You are using your savings while he's hiding his money from you. That is financial abuse.

Blessingsdragon1 · 02/03/2019 21:43

Don't kid yourself - it's financial abuse - it's abusive - you are in an abusive relationship - you are teaching your children this is how relationships work

RandomMess · 02/03/2019 21:43

You are in Maternity Pay yet have to continue the same financial contribution as before, if you return to work you are expected to pay for childcare...

How is that not financial abuse?

Joint income, joint expenses, equal access to equal "spending" money!

Original poster
CocoDeMoll · 02/03/2019 21:47

He is hiding money. He has been In Financial difficultly since Christmas because of redundancy but quickly (after a month) found new work. I was paying for everything for a month after buying Christmas present for the older d so I’m strapped now.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/03/2019 21:50

OP he is abusive I’m afraid - totally financially and not a good husband

What do you get out of being with him - not childcare/help or money

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2019 21:52

coco

What is abuse to you?. Define it in your words. (Abuse is not just physical in nature). Denial too is a powerful force.

There is such a thing called financial abuse and you and in turn your kids are suffering as a result of that too. He wants to leave you penniless really because that will give him more power, he will get much satisfaction from seeing you beg him for money. Your financial earnings are much decreased yet you are still paying half the outgoings as usual. How is that fair?. His money is seen by him as his, such a selfish man does not and will never want to share.

ChakiraChakra · 02/03/2019 21:53

I remember you posting about this before.

He doesn't love you. He loves the status symbol of a family.

He isn't just selfish with money - He IS financially abusive.

What's it going to take for you to leave him?

Original poster
CocoDeMoll · 02/03/2019 21:54

He’s not financially abusive. When I’m earning, that money is mine. He wouldn’t think of policing how I spend it as long as we’re 50/50 in paying for rent, bills etc. We differ when it comes to spending on the children. He thinks we can do it almost for free which means I pay for swimming lessons, new shoes etc. We mainly get hand downs for everything.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 02/03/2019 21:55

Why would this ever stop???

He's got it made.

RandomMess · 02/03/2019 22:00

How is it 50:0 if you have to pay for swimming, shoes etc.

You are being utterly blind, wake up he's little more than a cocklodger!

ChakiraChakra · 02/03/2019 22:00

He loves me and our dc so much

He’s not financially abusive.... We differ when it comes to spending on the children. He thinks we can do it almost for free which means I pay for swimming lessons, new shoes etc. We mainly get hand downs for everything.

Do you not see how being a loving family man is not compatible with not sharing your salary with your wife while she is providing free childcare, and paying for shoes for his own darn children?

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2019 22:01

AS long as you are paying 50/50 even though presumably even when not on maternity leave you do the childcare and probably housework and are currently not earning and using savings he still expects 50/50. Except when it comes to the children where you pay everything

OP that is financially abusive I’m afraid

combatbarbie · 02/03/2019 22:03

OP he is abusive, you just are not seeing it. You are using savings to stump up 50% of bills but you're on mat leave. You know he's hiding money, you are forking out for the kids needs.

Imagine2019 · 02/03/2019 22:03

It’s financial abuse. A family unit shares money, your enabling him to go to work by stopping at Home to care for his children. His money is your money. I can hazard a guess that if you were to return to work paying for childcare would be your responsibility and not his?? He’s selfish and doesn’t love you. He might say he does but his actions are screaming at you to believe he does not love you. I love you are just words that anyone can say.

BookCzar · 02/03/2019 22:03

He IS abusive, and no amount of convincing yourself otherwise is going to change that. Someone who is selfish to that degree IS abusive, simple as that. Financially and emotionally. And he doesn't love. You probably don't even know what a true loving relationship feels like anymore. And he probably doesn't even have emotional capacity to love.

I apologize if I sound harsh, it is not my intention to make you feel bad about yourself but to face the truth and seek help for your children's sake, and your own. You all deserve so much better, and I really hope you are going to see that yourself soon. Take care.

BewilderedAndLost · 02/03/2019 22:13

Sounds like he only likes having a family when it suits him. I don't understand why some men have to be complete a-holes when it comes to money and can be so selfish with doing what they want with their wages when you have a family to support. You shouldn't have to be relying on your own savings - you should be working together to share the financial load. Do you think you could go back to work or would childcare massively offset your finances?

Original poster
CocoDeMoll · 02/03/2019 22:24

I think childcare would offset finances and I also have big regrets about jumping back into work too early last time.

It tricky because he’s not lording it up with his money like some posters are saying. Moneys tight and he won’t get a haircut/ but new clothes fir himself either.

OP posts:
Imagine2019 · 02/03/2019 22:40

In your opening post you’ve described him as selfish, lazy and always angry. You say you feel better when he isn’t there and your relationship exhausts you. Deep down you know this will never change because as hard as you might try you can’t change someone, he is who he is, and you don’t like him. Don’t stay with him just because you have kids with him, you will be miserable for the rest of your life and your kids won’t thank you for it. I know it’s incredibly hard to gather the strength to end a relationship but hopefully you will be strong enough one day to end this sham. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2019 22:45

We are wasting our time, clearly

This is actually a Prince Among Men