I don’t think this is ever going to stop

[CocoDeMoll]

Our whole relationship just goes round in circles.

He’s selfish but loving, loves being part of a family but does shite all childcare. He works so bloody hard but sees any non working time as completely his to do with what he wants. Ive always been in work myself till now (second baby 10minths and it doesn’t make financial sense to go back to work yet)

Looses his temper every day over small things like noise.

Massively selfish with money. I use my savings atm because I can’t work because our baby.

He loves me and our dc so much. We love him but I find life so much easier when he’s at work.

I have posted about this stupid relationship so many times but I just feel exhausted (again) by all of this.

He loves me and our dc so much.

I'm sorry OP but he really doesn't. He might say he does but he either doesn't understand what love is or is just faking it. I suspect faking it because this way he gets some poor mug rearing his children, paying for everything they need, having sex with him without the need for him to even pay for a drink or make conversation first, and pay half the bills.

I can see what is in it for him but have no clue what is in this relationship for you?

but I find life so much easier when he’s at work.

You prefer when he isn't there (I would too). Listen to yourself for god's sake.

I guess the clue is in the title

How does it make financial sense to be spending your savings?

Are you still contributing to your pension while you’re not working?

If you are providing childcare, by not working then childcare is costing you £normal salary -£maternity pay. Is he paying you half of this amount as his contribution to the childcare for his children?

OMG @CocoDeMoll
This is my exact relationship too! I am finding it so hard & hell a difficult when I had second dd a year ago, like yours he was selfish with money, never gave me a penny and still expected me to pay for things on my shitty maternity pay!
Everyone I know - friends, work friends and family were horrified by this. The only reason I stayed/am still with him is because he's my first love & tbh I still have a lot of love for him we do get on, there's no problems with sex life or intimacy so it all goes back to that. If there's nothing worth staying for,I would leave if I were you. It all depends if you see a future
Sending you hugs as I know exactly how you feel

Do you both feel like abused women ? Because that's what you are and need to recognise - so sad for you both x

Sounds like me. I gave up work in November. He works f.t when hes at home hes either doing his own thing or doing extra work to try and impress his boss. I just look after the house and 3 children. We have had lots of rows today over him talking to me like shit.

I really don’t feel abused. I feel angry and let down that I’m not supported now the mat pay has finished (it stopped at 9 months). I’m sorry you’re in the same boat acelavero .

I’m not contributing to my pension atm. I have a fairly good pension contribution plan (I think!).

Like the pp I enjoy time with him and there’s no weird power dynamic. He’s just not a hands on Dad so I find it easier getting the kids sorted of a day rather than seething about wanting him to hold the baby whilst I do something or take them out without me occasiknally. If it’s just me I can crack on and stop waiting for him to pitch in.

thecats my dh works such long hours too so I find it hard to begrudge him. But we work hard too. It’s non stop and o love staying at my family’s because I can get someone who wants to hold a baby or play with a child whilst I shower or get dressed rather than have to ask if they’d look after them for 10 minutes here and there.

Then you need to accept the way things are.

@CocoDeMoll

How about you and him spending time together or going out as a couple? Do you ever get time to do this? It's just I feel that if you get stuck in that routine I.e being the one who does all the childcare etc they see you more as a "mother" and not as a partner which can break down the relationship
If he still treats you like he loves you and wants to spend time with you it can be bearable (I've stuck with it but it's bloody hard work!)

@Blessingsdragon1
Were you directing your comment at me?

He and me to a lesser extent are desperate for some is time! He does and treats me like he still loves me and we try to have is time occasinally.

@CocoDeMoll

What would be the childcare arrangements if you went back to work rn? Would it be your family helping out or his? Or just paid childcare?

Also, has he ever looked after the dc alone/ how has he coped etc

The other week we had childcare issues so my dp HAD to look after our little one, there was no other option I could tell he was a bit annoyed by this BUT he really enjoyed it (he said) said he had a lovely day with her so in essence I think it helped them to bond if that makes sense? Maybe you could try doing that?

You don't have to be abused to have a shit relationship.

Some relationships contain no abuse and are shit and the people in them deserve better.

I do wish this acid test of "is it abuse" just disappeared. I've never been abused and I've broken up with lots of guys who didn't meet my standards of what I wanted in a relationship.

Op if you ever want to chat and feel like someone "gets it" pm me? Some things differ but I relate to a lot of what you're saying and the hardest thing I find is having nobody to let off steam too, because your mates or family have heard it all before and don't really want to hear it anymore as it's like a broken record?? Trying to figure men like this out is so tough

OP I’m in a similar position to you, or rather was.
Now I’m at the point where I cant stand his selfishness and laziness and cant make excuses for his shitty behaviour because I dont even like him as a person anymore.
Honestly, it wont stop, it will just grind you down.
Don’t waste any more years on this man, use what’s left of your savings and leave him.

@Acalavero

Re your comment below, how do you find someone so selfish (first part of your comment), attractive (second part of your comment)?

“ I am finding it so hard & hell a difficult when I had second dd a year ago, like yours he was selfish with money, never gave me a penny and still expected me to pay for things on my shitty maternity pay!
Everyone I know - friends, work friends and family were horrified by this. The only reason I stayed/am still with him is because he's my first love & tbh I still have a lot of love for him we do get on, there's no problems with sex life or intimacy so it all goes back to that.”

As other posters have pointed out his behaviour is not going to change.

So either,you put up with it and be miserable. And your children will grow up thinking this is acceptable.

Or,you leave him.

Some men just aren't interested in their own children.I can't bare it when people use the term childcare instead of being a parent. Some men see it as this though sadly.

Who does he work long hours for though. Because he isn’t providing for his family, he puts in 50% of the bills and nothing towards the children. He presumably does it cos it’s eadier

Acalavero yes I think it was because you do sound very downtrodden and desperate to stay with someone maybe think about starting your own thread for support
Relationships should not be about desperately trying to get someone to give you and the children attention. They are partnerships working together as a team

To respond to your title, you’re right it won’t stop unless you change the situation and leave him.

You are your children and being emotionally abused.

there’s no weird power dynamic. He [just won't] hold the baby whilst I do something or take them out without me occasionally.

Just like there's no financial abuse, he's just the sole source of income and won't share it with his wife and children.

Just like there's no emotional abuse, he just loses his temper if his young children make too much noise.

I'm so sorry for you that you can't see that this overall situation is abusive. I'm so sorry that despite what must be easily hundreds if not thousands of replies to your various threads on mumsnet, almost all saying this is abuse, you make excuses and pretend you're happy and stay, reducing your escape money still further. I'm sorry for myself, that nothing I say is going to help you to see that this is awful.

Having said all that, pallisers is spot on; I wish the acid test of "is it abuse" was not the bar by which to judge a relationship. I too, have never been abused and I too have broken up with lots of guys who didn't meet my standards. The bar being a lot higher than "but is it abuse though" should be normal.

Read your posts back to yourself, OP, and put imagine you are the best friend listening to this. What would your advice be? Now FOLLOW IT!

Believe me, it won’t be as scary or messy as you think, and you can finally regain some equilibrium and control over your life.

You’ll look back in years to come and see that starting afresh was the best thing for you and your kids. Your ex might even feel the same!

Sorry but you are in denial. He is financially abusing you. By making you pay 50% of everything when you're not in work IS abusing you. You are looking after HIS children and avoiding childcare costs.
I suppose if you did go back to work, he would expect YOU to pay the childcare?
My ex was financially abusive. He brow beated me into increasing my hours at work after I went back part-time from maternity. I didn't want to but he moaned about money (he earned plenty). He also expected me to pay 50% of everything while on maternity leave and when I went part-time.
Funny that when he was unemployed for a few month, I was then expected to use all my maternity money to look after him!
Hence the term EX.

So why doesn't he share his earnings with you? Especially as you're off work to look after your children? Why do the costs of that fall onto you individually they're his children too. How is that loving his family?