Overnight contact with newborn baby

[Zoemay123]

This is going to be super long but please bare with, I could really do with the help/support!!
So... I’m currently 7 months pregnant, 19 years old and have split with the babies father (definitely for the best) however trouble is now on the horizon.
Me and the babies father live 100 miles apart, we originally lived together in his home with his mother when I fell pregnant however his mother was an alcoholic/drug abuser/unstable and caused a lot of trouble eg. Falling on me in bed drunk when I was pregnant, bringing random men back to the house for drugs and sex, constantly screaming and shouting and getting in my face over things, basically everything you don’t want a baby around, so me and the babies dad left to move back to my family home for mine and the babies safety... this lasted the whole of two weeks before he had ran back home to his mom (he had major issues with moving because of her dragging him around the country as a little boy following whichever boyfriend she could get) anyway he went back home and refused to make any compromises to get away from her, so after many arguments we separated because I needed to keep my baby safe and it turns out in the end he’s just happy to stay at his moms house responsibility free, smoking cannabis and not working (great example to set) so anyway I adapted to single life again and got everything sorted for the baby by myself with no help, I brought every nappy, wipe, babygrow, pram, you name it and I’ve provided the best.
So... now that we’ve both accepted being separate which i can’t lie has been hard, the subject of contact came up (in an argument) where he states he wants “every week Friday-Sunday overnight access to the baby at his home from the second he’s born” I’ve said this isn’t possible because 1. I plan to breast feed and feel very strongly about it, this isn’t possible to do whilst 100 miles away. 2. I don’t trust the baby to be in the company of his mom and to be honest I don’t trust him around the child now he’s started taking drugs again.
I offered him as much access to the baby as he wants from birth it just needs to be supervised by me whilst I’m breast feeding, it needs to be at my home/in my city because it’s compleltey unfair to make the baby travel 6 hour trips to go up to his home and I’ve said he’s welcome to build this up to having unsupervised access after a bond has been formed and he can prove he is trustworthy (there has been threats of taking the baby) and overnight stays once he’s in a stable environment and our son is old enough to understand why he’s been taken away from his mom and when he properly has a bond with the dad.

As you can all imagine this has caused row after row, all of the nasty things in the world have been said and threats of court are now constantly being said by him.
I guess after all of this my questions are, has anyone been through anything similar with overnight access long distance? Has anybody been through court for a similar thing and can give me advice? Does he have any rights and what do you believe the court would say? Am I being unreasonable? Or can any other single moms give me a hell load of support and a shoulder to cry on!!! Thanks so much for reading if you’ve got this far ❤️❤️❤️

I didn't want to read and run, but I think you should move this over to relationships, you will get the advice of more lovely mn people over there

You might even try legal as it appears you may need legal advice to sort this out.
Congratulations on the baby 💐

Let him take you to court if he wants that. No judge would grant it. The general consensus seems to be short but frequent visits in the beginning (think 1-2 hours 3x a week or something) and overnights before age 2 wouldn't be recommended if you're breastfeeding.

Since you moved while pregnant and not after, I wouldn't expect the judge to make you do all the traveling but you will possibly have to alternate travel eventually.

My guess is he won't bother going to court, and he may even lose interest in the baby when it's born because a) they're quite boring at the beginning and b) he won't want to make the effort to travel to see his child. I hope you're (emotionally) prepared for every eventuality.

Are you listing him on the birth certificate? My advice would be not to (I didn't name my DS's father on his, it's been a life saver). There's a lot of implications if you do add him, and some if you don't (child support/maintenance might be more difficult to obtain but if he's not working that'll be a struggle anyway).

As pp has suggested, don't name him on the birth certificate. The onus is then on him to prove that he's the baby's father.

Tbh I really wouldn't be happy with his suggestion of having the baby so far away over the weekend. That to me, is something to be built up to - once he proves the baby is his - you're planning to BF, so any contact needs to be with you.

Have you got much support where you are?

Wow. You sound awesome and so level headed.

I was in an abusive relationship and had a baby young. He threatened me with going to court etc. Long story short he eventually gave up, thank god. But it was a few years of hell.

Some advice. Don’t put him on the birth certificate. DO NOT. He sounds like a fucking loser. You need to protect you and baby, which you are.

No one would agree to overnight visits with a newborn, and not in the environment you describe. I would cut ties if possible, I really would. The hell of a bio dad using a child to be a prick is awful. I don’t care how that makes me sound. I’ve been through it.

You are going to be a fab mum. Keep the toxic out x

Regardless of anything cannot see it being a good idea for the baby to be travelling 6 hours at a time. Recommend a maximum of 2 hours in a car seat for safety reasons only.

Let him take you to court. No judge will grant what he is asking and it would probably work in your favour anyway as he would then stop hassling you as it has been ' set'. However it doesn't sound like he has anywhere near the disposable income to be able to take you to court even if he wanted to.

I have dealt with issues similar myself. I contacted social services for advice. They advised I did not put the father on the birth certificate (it can be added on at a later date if things are good and settled). They basically told me there is no rule in the land regarding my baby when it was born if I wasn't happy regarding it's safety or wellbeing don't do it. My first priority needed to be the baby and what was best for that and I wouldn't be in any legal trouble even if I completely stopped access full stop. That was never my intention I think they just wanted to drill it home to me I needed to make sure my baby was protected and safe.

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

Thanks for all your help/support ladies, it really is appreciated! He definitely won’t be going on the birth certificate or the baby having his last name unless by some miracle he turns out to be an amazing dad years later down the line (not keeping my fingers crossed for it) however it’s a huge concern that however unlikely it is he’ll try and take me to court to get parental responsibility, have any of you ladies got any experience with this happening? Or have any idea of the length of a court case for this kind of thing? Thanks again for the advice/kind words xxx

Well done for taking yourself away from all that. I agree- don't put his name on the certificate as it automatically gives him parental responsibility. Let him prove he has enough responsibility to be a parent! Any judge with common sense wouldn't grant visitation rights to someone who smokes cannabis, is unemployed and lives with his damaging, alcoholic mother. And him demanding all-weekend visits when baby is newborn??? What a joke!
You sound strong. Stick to your guns - tell him you'll see him in court. I'll put money on it never even getting there. Good luck with everything x

Hi OP, sorry to barge into your thread like this but we just wanted to let you know that we've moved it over to the Relationships topic as we thought you might get some really useful advice on there.

Thanks to everyone who's already chipped in with advice.

Good luck.

Doesn't sound like he's got the money for court.

huge concern that however unlikely it is he’ll try and take me to court to get parental responsibility, have any of you ladies got any experience with this happening?

Yes. I was threatened with a letter from his solicitor. I went to a solictitor and although broke at the time, got together £200 for an hour with this amazing lady who I spilled my guts out to about his drug use, abuse, how he would be unsuitable to look after him, and how he already had regular contact supervised (with me). The solicitor wrote this fantastic letter, no holds barred, and said exactly why he wouldn't be granted parental responsibility. I mean, he could have still tried, but the letter was pretty full on. Plus, he was so tight with money and left me with debt (plus I lost my share of the house we bought) that he never took it to court.

He then shacked up with the person he was cheating on me with, and had a baby with her.

Best £200 I ever spent.

Doesn't sound like he's got the money for court.

Exactly.

In my jurisdiction, in an unmarried situation, there are no overnights until the child is 3.

Surely if he said he would fight for this contact, you would say, no judge on earth would accept your baby being in that environment with drugs, alcohol, random men, & his own drug use.......
Just say its not happening, breast fed babies are not separated from their mothers for more than a couple of hours, & even if you expressed milk it would not be happening immediately.
Don't put him on the birth cert. he will have no rights until he proves he is the father.
I would stop communicating with him now

Most of them threaten court, until they realise how much it'll cost.

Dont put of on the BC and supervised access only.

If he's a druggie, he's liability.

Definitely don’t put him on the birth certificate.
If he takes you to court, PR may well be given but at the same time a child arrangements and residency order can be made so there’s no risk of him not returning the child without consequences.

Keep a record of all texts and communication. Any proof you have about his mother and his unsuitability to unsupervised contact.

He sounds like a delight and he clearly has his child’s bed interests at heart! Who the fuck thinks it’s ok to take a child away from its bloody food supply and main cater. Twat.

Don’t be intimidated by the prospect of court - it’s a really easy threat to make but doesn’t sound like he’s got the wherewithal to get himself there in the first place. Even if he does sort himself out it’s nothing like the courts you see on TV which can appear rather intimidating. The next time he says it call his bluff.... “‘Sure OK - I’m sure the judge is going to love hearing about all the shenanigans in your house”!

He doesnt stand a chance.

Enjoy your time with your baby.
You are all he/she needs.

Baby's dad will lose interest anyway, you'll see.

Don't put him on bitch certificate firstly
Secondly I'd tell him if he wants to see the child then he will have to go through court
Thirdly well done you
Fourth seek legal advice

He sounds like a twat. Your baby should stay with you and only you especially living that far apart.

But do not put his name on that birth certificate

I had a similar experience 10 years ago OP.

Split up when I was 6 months pregnant (he cheated). We lived in neighbouring towns once I moved out. He worked and didn't do drugs, however was emotionally and financially abusive. I didn't name him on BC. I offered access whenever he wanted although I asked this take place in my house. He had a huge tantrum and seen a solicitor when my DS was one week old. He demanded he have overnights fri-sun exactly like your ex. I only engaged through my solicitor from then on. She was fantastic. He refused my terms for contact and took it to court. This took 9 months before we seen the sheriff. He was awarded 1 hour supervised visitation once a week at my house. Eventually this was increased to 2 hours

The verbal abuse started again so contact was moved to a contact centre (once per week for 1 hour). My DS was born with a lot of medical issues and needed extensive stats in hospital. He didn't seen him from 13 months- 2years.

We went back to court and he was again awarded 2 hours supervised contact at my house. This continued until he was 2.8yrs, at which point I was satisfied he could care for DS so he got to have his 2hr contact at his house. He wasn't given overnights or PR until DS was almost 4.

When DS was 5 he stopped contact! As he got bored. Thankfully DS isn't affected and has always had my surname.

Stick to your guns. Yes it was very stressful but your baby needs you in the very early stages. Always time to build relationship with dad but he needs to put baby's needs first.

Thank you all so much for your advice! Rose tinted glasses were well and truly on through our relationship it seems, it’s a shame he’s shown the real him now at what was supposed to be the happiest times of our relationship, but onwards and upwards! I really do appreciate all your advice and will take it all on board, he definitely won’t be getting put on the birth certificate and he won’t be present at the birth, I’m just wondering if any other of you ladies have any experience with the courts when it comes to this kind of thing and have any idea how long the process would take? All of your comments really are appreciated xxxxx

@Zoemay123 in my experience it started when my DS was 1 week old (solicitor letters) and ended when DS was almost 4. I didn't go to court until DS was 9 months old though. I think I attended court roughly 4/5 times. It was recalled until the sheriff was satisfied My ex could prove himself to be a suitable parent. It was the last hearing that he was awarded PR and overnight visits.

Going back to court was only dependant on my ex taking me. My solicitor advised to let him do all the work, I just had to respond with my defence.

@DrQuinnMedicineWoman did you allow any contact before he was awarded it through court? or was he allowed any whilst the court process was ongoing? im not sure if this is down to me to decide or if there's something in place to give him supervised contact whilst the case is ongoing xx

I offered him unlimited access at my house only due to DS being a baby. He refused this. Same contact was offered by solicitor however again he refused. Took me to court and was awarded one hour once a week at my house, under my supervision. This was increased to two hours. He didn't stop verbally abusing me so this was moved to a contact centre.

Luckily I had a really understanding sheriff so contact was built up gradually, with unsupervised contact taking place when DS was 2.8yrs.

@DrQuinnMedicineWoman that’s so reassuring to hear he didn’t get unsupervised contact until your little one was a lot older, thanks for sharing your experience, it really helps to know other people have got through it and come out the other side better off xx