Advice needed (mental health)

[Mambo1992]

In real need of some advice.
Partner and I have been together 6 months, he’s quite a bit older but that’s never been an issue, me being 17, him 39.
We were completely upfront with one another from the get go and didn’t just dive into the relationship headfirst, we discussed what each of us wanted in life and out of a relationship and it was all the same things. We’ve always been very straight about everything and there have been no games. This includes our mental health, we have both suffered from bad bouts of anxiety and depression and got through them, and he told me from day one when he finds things too much he likes to shut off from everyone.
Skip forward through a blissful six months of discussions of the future and no issues going undiscussed.
I could see his stress levels building over the last few weeks (mainly around work and a couple of outside influences) and then next thing he tells me he’s quit his job and goes off the grid for two weeks, telling me he’s turning his phone off and needs to figure out what he’s doing, it’s not just me he wants to be away from, it’s everyone and he still very much loves me.
Two weeks in, a couple of texts and him just repeating that he’s in a really bad place mentally and needs to not speak to anyone, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. He’s got his job back and has been back at work for the last couple of days, but still doesn’t want to speak. I can see he’s in a bad headspace and is very much not doing well mentally, and I believe he’s gone back to work as it’s where he can be on autopilot and doesn’t have to think about what’s getting to him or triggered this reaction.

I know for a fact it isn’t just me he’s shut out, it’s everyone, but I’m now in a state of the unknown as to how to handle this.
My initial reaction is to draw a line under it for now and I shall make my mind up if and when he does decide to contact me. I told him straight in a very brief phone call that I would not contact him from now on unless he was ready and have very much left the ball in his court. He’s suffered a huge amount of emotional trauma in his past and I know I can never change or heal that. The relationship has always been so balanced and even and communication was never a problem.
I’m now at such a loss as to what this means for the relationship as it’s come as such a huge shock and I just feel completely blindsided by the whole situation. I know his mental health has a lot to answer for with it, and I’m not going to kid myself that he’s still behaving unfairly and selfishly without thinking how it’s affecting me, but I guess I’m just searching for some advice or personal experiences?
Thank you 😔

If you are 17, get the fuck out, thats it, sorry

Oh god no!! Typo!! I am 27!! Not 17!!

17, 27, 37, whatever, he has ducked out and disappeared. Could you trust him not to do it again? Sorry, I think you need to walk away and find someone more stable.

I'm on the other side of this although I haven't gone off grid as I live with my fiance.

Depression is such a destructive issue for the sufferer, and those around them. My fiance gets the worst of it when I'm bad and it makes me even worse inside because of the guilt that follows. It's possible that he is withdrawing for now as a way to avoid that? For us all I can say is our communication is constant and that helps the most.

He appears to be being selfish and I would label him as such, if I didn't know how bad depression can fuck up your head. It isn't fair on you but in an otherwise good and healthy relationship, people take on their partners burdens so to speak. But only to a certain extent.

All I can say is think of this from your view and how you feel. Can you handle this? If it happens again could you handle it? What about the future; children or if you need support, and he does this what then? Depression takes a toll on everyone in the near vicinity. It's like a nuclear blast. Can you handle this forever? I don't think, personally, if he is this poorly, he should be in a relationship right now. I also think you aren't required to be in this particular one, it could get quite unhealthy for you

These are the thoughts I am having. I adore him and he’s always been so loving back, but it’s like another person all of a sudden, which is the depression. I know he’s stopping himself from lashing out at everyone he’s close to until he’s got his head round whatever is going on. For this moment I am willing to ride it out, as having been in a similar place mentally this time last year, I know myself that my first reaction was to shut off communication with everyone close to me due to how horrifically I felt. I struggled more than I thought I could and conversations, even over text were a massive effort for me if I could bring myself to reply. So I can partially see it from his perspective, but I guess I just miss him terribly and so want it to work out. We were good friends before the relationship and would talk daily so to now have nothing is such a shock to the system, it’s like going cold turkey from a person.

I typed a huge explanatory message which disappeared. So for my sanity.....OP....There is something not right about a man who wants a partner young enough to be his daughter. You are already having doubts. It won't get better. Leave and block

Have read the post again. So he can get his job back despite his "mental health" issues? This doesnt ring true. I have a colleague whose husband had a breakdown but could still go on golfing wrekends. Go figure. Not true depression. Then there was the depressed partner who couldn't pick the kids up from school but still managed works nights out!

You are being played. It's not mental health and this sort of shit is actually making it harder for people with actual mental health to get help because everyone is categorised with GAD. Please leave before you become another statistic

Don’t get me wrong he doubted my age, he had more doubts than I did, but we clicked from the moment we met. My doubts lie around if he will get through this, which currently I feel he will eventually. We both see/ saw a future together, and to be honest I’ve never been treated so wonderfully and respectfully by a partner (save for the past two weeks) and I was wondering more so if anyone had any experiences of their partners with depression and anxiety problems. I don’t want to leave him and can say without doubt that currently I want to be there for him when he is feeling better. I feel it’s a good sign that he’s gone back to work. It’s just more how to cope with this current issue of him shutting himself off so we can address it for the future and go from there. I know myself that if he does not want to address it and help himself for any potential future issues that I would then be making my decision.

2019willbegreat - please take your seemingly total lack of empathy and understanding of mental health issues, and shove it up your arse. People like you disgust me.

Oh, and we ALL have mental health. It might be good, robust etc but we still have it. It's the state of the health that might require attention. But not from you.

I can honestly say he truly does have depression, he sees a councillor and has been medicated in the past. When I was diagnosed last year I still went to work every day as it was something in my mind I felt I had to do. He hasn’t socialised at all since and has kept to himself with the company of his dogs. I myself would go out and about in order to keep myself busy, incapable of speaking to anyone close, but able to put a face on to strangers, and doing mindless tasks that meant I didn’t have to confront the reality of how I was feeling 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP - FWIW, I'm inclined to hide away when I'm bad, like your partner and seemingly like you as well going from what you've said. Your partner is kinder than I am, he actually told you! Two weeks feels like an eternity from the outside, filled with worry and doubt. It feels like a long time on the inside as well, but for different reasons as you know. Withdrawing his notice sounds positive. I think, hard as it is, all I would suggest for now is gently ensuring he knows your there for him. And when he engages again a bit more, I might ask if he's willing for a bit of joint therapy, precisely to try and equip you both for supporting each other.

*you're there for him

The last message I sent him after our brief call was to his works phoning simply saying I won’t contact him again now until he feels ready and apologised for pushing him, but that I now fully understand where he is at mentally (to an extent) and I will be there for him when he’s ready. Hopefully he will come round and get in touch at some point, although I’m not expecting it to be in the next few weeks, I think it may take him a while to come out of this one.

I have been very depressed and anxious in the past. I lived with DH during most of it, so was forced to socialise with him even if I didn’t go out of the house or see anyone else. Through my depression I questioned absolutely everything apart from my love for my DH. This was hard because then I felt a lot of pressure to drag myself back out into the real world from the dark place I was at or the temptation to push him away to save him from being trapped with me like I was. That constant of him being there day in day out also kept me going just enough to get out of it in the end as well though, so I’m really grateful to him for not giving up on me.

Given that your DP is managing to get out and about to work, I wonder if there may be opportunity to see him in person somewhere neutral, to see whether this changes anything for him or you at this point. You have given him all the power by saying you’ll stay away and wait to hear from him, but it’s not really very fair on you and I think you having some more power back might help you make an informed decision about where to go next rather than being in limbo.

@cheesetoastie....please re read my posts and point out My lack of empathy.

I think we see your lack of empathy coming from the statement where you state it is not mh problems but just him playing me, at least that’s how I see it. As stated he does indeed have issues, as do I, people handle them differently. I went through a phase of not brushing my hair or giving a damn how I looked for weeks on end (10/10 don’t recommend for the giant matted clumps of hair) and before that I would put a full face of makeup on, go to the gym daily, go to work, ride my horse, function daily, but how I felt never changed, it was still rock bottom.

@missnearlyvintage I would love to suggest that to him, but I know he wouldn’t take me on currently. For the time being I’m happy to leave him to work his way through it. I expressed how it was making me feel and he couldn’t really respond properly but seemingly felt bad about it. Knowing him as I do, if he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me currently he would have told me outright, especially after pushing him with the phone call. This is a man who has gone from calling 3 times a day to not answering his phone to anyone unless it’s his work phone like the past few days. I just think with the current state of mind he is in, quite frankly he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow and it’s easier to isolate and in reality, be a bit selfish so he doesn’t have to deal with anything until he’s got his head back on.

You've been together 6 months, you should still be in the honeymoon period. Aside from that, and the mental health issues he has, he does sound selfish. It would take moments to write a text message to let you know he's back at work to keep you in the loop. Ignoring you, shutting you out, not the actions of someone who cares for your mental health.

If he does this once, he'll do it again. How will he cope if you're living together? Married? With a new baby etc? He can't withdraw and go "off grid" for a fortnight then.

Honestly, cut and run, as much as you want to support him, he doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart and it sounds like he's going to fuck up your mental health in the process . Are you willing to sacrifice you, for him.

@4amclub this is why it’s been such a shock as we very much were in honeymoon period. He wanted to spend time with me, always treating me wonderfully, protective of me and so loving, but never overbearing. It was like a switch went in him and he isolated himself. We’d been looking for houses (we had planned to move in together even before the relationship). Up until this last fortnight he was the most reliable and incredible man, and now he won’t speak. It hurts that he suddenly has no idea what he wants and all he knows is he wants to be left alone by everyone, including me. It is a concern that this would happen again in the future (although having children isn’t an option for us so that would never be a factor) but if he does decide to contact me I will have to make that decision there and then. At the minute this is so fresh and tbh I’m still in shock and figuring out what to do, when in reality there’s nothing I can do.

Definitely, definitely do not move in with this man whatever you do. He's unpredictable and unreliable. Don't tie yourself financially to that.

It comes across that you're clearly very hurt and upset by this seemingly sudden change in him. You are still thinking 'us' and he is thinking of him and him alone. And two weeks is a long time in a relationship of only six months. He's ghosting you which, depression or not, is a dick move.

I’m torn here, the mother in me is saying get out of this you’re too young for such a negative start (plus I think men that age who go with 17 year olds are grim)
but
The side of me that has had trouble with my mental health says, at least he told you. I don’t usually give people that courtesy because I’m simply unable to.

I’d still say go with the former though.

Have you considered whether this ‘off grid’ might be anything to do with your plans to move in together? If you say he isn’t sure what he wants?
Sorry to say but it is quite convenient that he can go ‘off grid’ if he doesn’t want to contact you.
When you say you can’t see/contact him what do you mean? If he ignored calls and texts from you then that’s ignoring you, it doesn’t mean you cannot go to wherever he is and have a chat in person. After all he is your partner, not a stranger who’s life you’re prying into.
My MIL has bipolar. She has suffered a lot with it, and numerous times has disappeared. FIL has never left her to it to return in her own time, she’s always been found and brought home, and then family have grouped around to make sure she gets the right medical care and support etc.

Possibly entirely unrelated... An ex once said to me that he loved me dearly, wanted to have kids with me, but wanted to see more of the world and needed a bit of time alone before settling down with me. It came out of the blue and I was so shocked. I confronted him a week later to ask what the hell was going on, and it turned out that he just didn’t have the balls to break up with me properly, so he thought that saying stuff like that to me would some how cushion the blow...

Your partner has had his off-grid time IMO. But keeping you hanging on saying he doesn’t know what he wants in very unfair on you.

@YogaWannabe I’m 27, not 17, it was a typo 🤦🏼‍♀️ He did tell me but it does feel like I’ve lost someone completely and I’m just helpless and in limbo.
@4amclub I know, and that’s what I’m struggling with. He’s ghosting me and everyone else. It’s the not knowing that is killing me.

@missnearlyvintage the moving in was always his idea and decided rather than renting we would save to buy so it wasn’t going to be happening for at least another 12 months or so. I’m fairly certain it isn’t anything to do with the relationship that’s triggered this behaviour, I think I’m currently collateral damage. He’s very blunt, painfully so sometimes 😂 and I do feel that he would have told me outright if he just didn’t want the relationship. I gave him the option to tell me this directly last week and last night and he assured me it wasn’t us, we’re fine, he’s just completely overwhelmed by everything at the moment as far as I can tell. I know it sounds convenient, believe me it’s all going through my head, but he has asked me specifically last night to respect where he’s at currently and let him work through it. I know by chasing him I will push him further away at this point in time and he asked me not to come to the house as he wants to be alone (he doesn’t live alone, his mum lives with him as he sort of looks after her) and I have a good friend who lives next door but one so it’s not like I don’t have eyes on the situation, and I know he’s doing nothing untoward, just plain and simple has shut down on everyone.

I have to be honest and say i would probably leave him. Its only been 6 months! If someone can have that much of a mental health dip where he quits his job and vanishes then i would say this is a pattern of behaviour that i wouldn't want in my life as i would fear it would happen time and time again.
Im honestly not being cruel but i suspect the relationship would involve you bowing to his ever need and there would be a very uneven divide in power. Of course i may be wrong but i wouldnt take the risk.