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Original poster

Would you report?

28 replies

CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 16:20

Hi
Long time poster but name changed today.
I’ve had an inappropriate relationship for the last few months at work and I don’t know if it was an abuse of power on his part or if my behaviour encouraged it. And because I consented to elements of it was I therefore complicit and wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if I reported it?
I joined the organisation 18 months ago and this person immediately seemed to show a lot of interest in me and the work I was doing. I was in a relatively junior position but older than others and had lots of experience from elsewhere whereas many in the team had progressed through the ranks so I think that I stood out a bit (not in an arrogant way!)

At work social occasions and then in the office I would increasingly catch him staring and obviously checking me out (we sat near to each other) I didnt realise for a while that he was the director (a big department!). I was successful in gaining a place on a talent programme thing and encouraged to ask a senior person to be my mentor. I became friendly with his pa and she suggested asking him (I regret this)So we then had monthly mentoring meetings where he would often make me feel quite uneasy with his flirting. He would be really intense and pay me lots of compliments and whilst I guess I was flattered by the attention, it was also a bit embarrassing. He then began doing this more openly in the main office to the extent that people started to comment and say that he flirts with me and that I was his favourite. His pa began to message me joking about how much I flirted back with him and laughed at his jokes-I genuinely didn’t know how to deal with it in front of a room full of people. He is quite a powerful person and could often be quite nasty with other members of the team. It’s a really hierarchical place and was definitely unusual for someone of my grade to interact with him.
Fast forward to Dec and he announces that he’s leaving for another department. He then messages me on the work system (for the first time) to say he wished he could take me with him. This is where I should’ve closed it down but didn’t and it then moved to WhatsApp and for the last 8 weeks it has been an emotional affair with (grim with hindsight) sexting and plans to meet up for sex. He kept saying he was too busy with new job and home stuff but that he really wanted it and I just let it carry on. Anyway it all came to a head last week when we’d agreed to meet and he cancelled at the last minute and I lost my shit with him for stringing me along. And he ended it by saying that it was only meant to be a bit of fun and he couldn’t cope with my reaction to having to wait around for him and not understanding the pressures of his job. I guess I’m just feeling bruised and rejected and a fool but the thought of him strutting around his new office sourcing his next junior to flatter his ego is so depressing. He has young children and I thought he had separated from his OH as this was the office rumour but apparently this isn’t the case but I don’t know the truth.
Sorry that was too long-thanks if you made it!

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 01/03/2019 16:34

Why oh why, can't some women own their own shit?

You flirted with him, you gave him your personal mobile number, you sexted him...and now, because he hasn't shagged you yet, you're going to try to get him in to trouble at work, by reporting him?

You sound unhinged to me. You're a grown woman, and you did exactly what you wanted to do. Just because you're a woman, doesn't mean you now get to cry coercion, when this flirtation hasn't gone the way you want.

And I don't believe that you thought he was separated. At best, you say it was a rumour. Didn't you think to check this out, before swapping sordid messages with a married man?

You sexted with a married man, and it didn't end well. Quelle Surprise. Grow up would be my advice.

I sound a bit harsh, I know, but I'm so fed up of women behaving badly, and then when it goes tits up, they use the old "I'm only a woman, and he made me do it" excuse.

Iggly · 01/03/2019 16:38

All you can do is take responsibility for your actions.

Yes he was a sleaze but you were not a helpless victim in all of this.

Just own what you did, learn the lesson and know better next time.

FWIW I’ve had the odd more senior sleaze bags try it on at work and I set strong firm boundaries. Once that radar goes off I shut down anyway hint of anything inappropriate.

NameChangeNugget · 01/03/2019 16:39

Honestly, take some bloody ownership for your own actions

Original poster
CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 16:42

You’re right. I’m being a dick. Going to learn and be much better with boundaries.

OP posts:
JaneyJimplin · 01/03/2019 16:48

It's nothing to do with needing to be better with boundaries, you're still minimising your role in this by saying that. As if you slipped up. No. Own it: you pursued a married man and now, because you're wounded that he hasn't chosen you over his wife, you're retelling the tale with you as the victim to make yourself feel better.

I agree 100% with husky. Own it.

Dieu · 01/03/2019 16:52

Eh? Report him for what exactly? You went along with this willingly, and what, you now want to ruin his life because it didn't pan out the way you wanted?? No offence, but women like you really let the side down.

Original poster
CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 16:53

He isn’t married-he said he didn’t believe in marriage. He has a partner but apparently they were separated -but yes I chose to accept that without checking for certain.

OP posts:
JayneyMc4 · 01/03/2019 16:54

Report him for what? Your hurt feelings? Nobody forced you to sext him or arrange a shag, it was a flirtation that came to nothing, move on and stop being a jealous snippy bint.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 01/03/2019 16:57

You want to report him for not sleeping with you like you wanted?

Lizzie48 · 01/03/2019 17:00

There's nothing you can report him for. You were quite happy to be involved in the sexting and you were thoroughly willing to have sex with him. You're just bruised because he didn't go through with it.

Huskylover1 · 01/03/2019 17:00

The one positive here, is that you didn't shag him. You'd be feeling far worse, if he'd ghosted you after sex. Which is would have done at some point, because he has a Partner and kids, and most likely a cushy life that he's not going to want imploding.

Tomtontom · 01/03/2019 17:01

Who do you think they'd sack in the event of a complaint, a junior with less than two years service or a senior manager?

Original poster
CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 17:03

@husky You’re right.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 01/03/2019 17:04

For the love of God, who would you report him to and for what? Please don't say HR, I work in HR and we don't want to deal with this crap (and would not) plus any penalty that applied to him would apply to you too (not that any penalty would apply).
You can't report someone for not shagging you.
Don't air your dirty laundry in public.
And grow up. You enjoyed this till it turned out he actually didn't fancy you that much now your ego is bruised.

Original poster
CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 17:07

@tomtom I’m not going to do it but it’s a public position where we’d both likely be sacked for dishonesty

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 01/03/2019 17:08

Wow, talk about a woman scorned, huh?

Original poster
CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 17:09

@hollow yes I think it’s definitely my ego

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2019 17:10

Half a dozen of one. Etc.

BrusselPout · 01/03/2019 17:14

No I wouldn't report. I would draw a line under it, accept that I am equally culpable, and not go near men in serious relationships in future.

You sound quite naive, as there isn't anything to report. It wasn't unwanted attention, he didn't coerce you, he didn't use a position of power to make you do anything - you went along with everything willingly and reciprocated, now you are just pissed off because he's rejected you - you will get little sympathy from a lot of people

Santaclarita · 01/03/2019 17:19

I think you would be even more of an idiot now than you already have been if you reported him.

You led him on too. You sexted him. You flirted. You didn't have to. You knew he had a partner and kids.

Try and have some self respect next time and not think about what his pay cheque is.

Holidayshopping · 01/03/2019 17:19

What exactly would you have reported him for?!

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 01/03/2019 17:20

You're admitting yourself that you only want to report him because he's been stringing you along and now ended it.

You said it would affect both of yours careers if you did. Is he really worth that? You need to sleep on it, work out your feelings and then let it go, because otherwise you'd be risking a lot just to get back at someone for being a dick.

Original poster
CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 17:25

@santa I’m not interested in money (I’m fortunate to have an inheritance) I just liked the attention from someone who people seemed to want to impress

OP posts:
Original poster
CrudoLudo · 01/03/2019 17:26

Thanks @yoursarcasm I will own this and get a grip

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 01/03/2019 17:27

No, don't report this. You are a grown woman responsible for your actions. He didn't force you. It was your own free will.