Does anyone sometimes wonder what their life would be like without kids?

[Ivy44]

I have one child, I had my child when I was 40, I think partly because I thought I should have a child and time was running out. I love her to bits. I also have a lifelong friend who has never had kids, we’re both 43. She says she never met anyone that she wanted to have a child with and is quite happy with her life - good job, group of active friends, couple of nice holidays a year, nice house. She doesn’t have a partner, can no longer be bothered with internet dating, says if someone comes along - great, if not then she’s quite happy anyway.

I think I settled due to my age (40 at the time). I also have quite a good job but am not progressing as much due to being a mum. I also own a nice house, with an affordable mortgage, it’s in my name as I bought it before I met my partner , although he lives with us as he is my dd’s dad. My partner has never really done anything to progress in life, dropped out of college, earns minimum wage even though he is 42 and doesn’t want to better himself. I think I feel a bit trapped with him and sometimes look at my friend (and her group of friends) with envy. I wouldn’t still be with him if it wasn’t for Dd.

It sounds more like you're wondering what your life would be like without your partner.

You don't need to stay in an unhappy relationship just for your DD. I had DS at 22 and split from his dad when DS was 10 months. I'm so much happier being a single mum.

He’s a bit of a lout. I posted another thread earlier this week about his behaviour when he is drunk. He contributes very little financially. £200 per month rent and bills plus half the food bill. I wouldn’t be that much worse off if he went as he eats most of the food anyway!

How did your DS cope with the split?

I love DD so much, but I do think I had her because time was running out and I thought you had to have kids to be happy, as that’s what most people do!

I am quite jealous of this group of women that my friend is friends with, I see them now and again, they’re all attractive, solvent, happy and leading good lives, without a man in tow. A few of them have said they think they’ll be single for life, as it’s only deadbeats with baggage that are available past the age of 40. But they’re quite happy with staying single, get to make their own decisions.

I think it's human nature to consider the path not taken. I agree with the poster above though, sounds like it's the partner who is the problem not the kid.

They are only very dependent for a few years. My child is now KS1 age and I have a lot more freedom and can work more than when child was nursery age.

I think about it on a daily basis.

Your relationship sounds like a dead end and if you would prefer to be single again, then end it! Your DD is only three, she's not going to remember her dad living with you if you end it now. If you leave it much longer then she will and she is more likely to be affected by the split (but that's not a reason to stay with someone who is a loser, whatever the age of your DC).

OP it sounds less like you regret your DD and more that you regret settling for your DP. Fortunately, he is just your DP, so ending the relationship is more straight-forward than if you had married.

I do think that but I also know that if I didn’t have children I would be thinking there was a gap in my life so I would be equally dissatisfied.

My DS is absolutely fine and thriving. But as we split when he was so young it's all he has ever known really. My ex is still an involved father and we are much happier being apart.

I think in the short term life would definitely be easier, more comfortable and more fun without DC.
Longer term I think it could get lonely and samey. Having a close knit group of friends would definitely offset that, if they stick together into their older years.

I remember very well what life without kids was like. Sometimes I miss how easy it was, having all that time, lie ins, not having to deal with the constant fighting, naughty behaviour etc. I love my kids so much and wouldn't change things but there's no hiding from the fact that it's bloody exhausting and relentless.

I do, but in a ‘what the hell did I do with myself/time before DD’ kind of way. Everything we had before she came along, we have now and more! We behave both progressed in work, we still go on holidays, we still both socialise regularly (although I didn’t so much when DD was a baby - she’s 4 now), we go on weekends away for quality couple time - I think we have a really nice balanced life but wouldn’t have experienced a lot of the things we have if she wasn’t around.

I agree with the others, it sounds like you are really questioning your relationship and you’re getting this confused with your DD holding you back. There is no reason why your life has to stop just because you have children, it just takes you in different adventures.

It's an interesting question but it's the wrong one. Your problem is the boyfriend.

These friends of yours who say that there are no decent men aged 40+ are being absurd.

Confcall - I think it’s more that they consider themselves to have great lives and only want a man if he’s going to compliment that life, not one who is going to be a drain ie be financially dependent, expect them to look after someone else’s kids etc. All the men they meet through internet dating have responsibility for 2-3 kids, are skint, quite often have jealousy/control issues due to a cheating ex etc.

I wouldn’t stay with your DP for the sake of your DD. Can you imagine your future with him in 10 years and 20 years? If that thought does t make you happy, it is far better to break up with him now and bring your DD up with happy separated parents.

I’d be happier if we split. I’m not sure he would be though. He would barely be able to support himself financially.

To be blunt, his financial situation is not your problem. You have to do what is right for you. Do you want to be supporting him for the rest of his natural life, simply because he's the father of your DC? His poor work/career choices are only your problem if you allow them to be.

Definitely sounds like this is about your partner, not being a mum. I have all those things your friend has (well, maybe not nice holidays, they aren’t worth it with small children but have had them in the past and will again). But my career or friends or whatever haven’t been affected by having kids. Because I haven’t saddled myself with a partner who doesn’t want to parent and doesn’t have the same values and goals as me.

If you aren’t happy with your life, there’s no shame in moving on and creating the life you want. Your dd’s life will only be better for it (mine was after my mum left my dad in similar circumstances). Your partner is an adult. He survived before he met you and he’ll continue to survive if you move on. I wouldn’t disregard your and your dd’s happiness to continue to carry the weight for him.

I’m going to have a chat with a solicitor to make sure he doesn’t have a claim on the house. He has only ever paid half the bills and food, never contributed to the mortgage, or any repairs and maintenance.

What if he won’t go though?

I would go and see a solicitor and get legal advice on how best to end this relationship. See if your DP would have any claim on your home/earnings/etc. Then make your decision.

If it's your home you can evict him, if need be. Get legal advice on this too.

Having children brings a different sort of happiness than being childless. Yes you have less free time, freedom and spontaneity in your life but you love something more than anything else in life and you enjoy adventures as your children grow up.
Neither option is right nor wrong.
But it sounds like you would enjoy your life more with a better partner who had some drive and ambition?

You aren’t married, he won’t have any claim on the house.
But do get legal advice so you are familiar with the relevant laws etc.

I think when he’s gone you’ll feel a lot better about life. He sounds a drain, in more ways than one.

"I’d be happier if we split. I’m not sure he would be though. He would barely be able to support himself financially"

Your problem here is indeed your so called partner.

How he supports his own self going forward is not your problem. Why are you giving this issue any headspace at all?. He in all likelihood may refuse to leave so you will need to employ legal means to get him out.

Staying for the child rarely if ever works out at all well because it teaches the child that your relationship was based on a lie. She should not be the reason to stay with him and you cannot use her at all as the glue to bind you and this bloke together.

She is not going to say "thanks mum" to you for doing that, she could well accuse you instead of putting him before her and wonder of you also why you are so weak. Some crap legacy that would be to leave her.

Im 37 and my elsest is 12. Sometimes i wish I had saved some money 1st and tried to get a home of our own or traveled more. I thought well maybe when the boys are older. I then had another baby later so life still kind of on hold. I don't regret any of them though.