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Relationships

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Original poster

Does anyone sometimes wonder what their life would be like without kids?

47 replies

Ivy44 · 01/03/2019 08:45

I have one child, I had my child when I was 40, I think partly because I thought I should have a child and time was running out. I love her to bits. I also have a lifelong friend who has never had kids, we’re both 43. She says she never met anyone that she wanted to have a child with and is quite happy with her life - good job, group of active friends, couple of nice holidays a year, nice house. She doesn’t have a partner, can no longer be bothered with internet dating, says if someone comes along - great, if not then she’s quite happy anyway.

I think I settled due to my age (40 at the time). I also have quite a good job but am not progressing as much due to being a mum. I also own a nice house, with an affordable mortgage, it’s in my name as I bought it before I met my partner , although he lives with us as he is my dd’s dad. My partner has never really done anything to progress in life, dropped out of college, earns minimum wage even though he is 42 and doesn’t want to better himself. I think I feel a bit trapped with him and sometimes look at my friend (and her group of friends) with envy. I wouldn’t still be with him if it wasn’t for Dd.

OP posts:

user1479305498 · 01/03/2019 10:25

The issue is the partner not the child. You can do way better lifestyle wise by being on your own. Whilst children can restrict it, if you work and have a spare room , get an au pair in with 2 nights babysitting plus nursery pickups etc. It made all the difference to my single mum friend.

Original poster

Ivy44 · 01/03/2019 10:49

We will still be able to afford a nice lifestyle without him. I won’t notice the amount he gives me for food as he eats more than half anyway. My council tax will decrease as i’ll Get 25% off and my utilities will drop a bit, he leaves lights on all night etc. I do feel a bit like he sees me as his meal ticket.

He also has a daughter from his previous relationship, who lives with her Mum. One of the reasons he doesn’t pay any rent is because he pays child maintenance so I’m subsidising his previous life too. He asked me if I could get a bigger mortgage and build an extension so his other daughter could have a bigger room, when she stays. She stays in the box room, in a single bed when she stays over at the moment. I don’t want a bigger mortgage - the one I’ve got will be paid off in 8 years and I want to start putting more into my pension. He makes me feel like I’m being tight when actually I am supporting him quite a lot already.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:09

It's an interesting question but it's the wrong one. Your problem is the boyfriend.

Agree wholeheartedly.

These friends of yours who say that there are no decent men aged 40+ are being absurd.

Unfortunately don't agree, there may be the odd outlier but mostly I think they have a good point.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:10

(op's friends, I mean).

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:11

It's easy to say but it sounds like you should get rid of him, he's a bit if a cock lodger

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:13

It sounds like you mainly/only stayed with him cause you didn't want to be childless and knew it would be difficult to meet and have a child with someone else within the timeframe; that's gone/irrevelant now.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:16

Thankfully hes not her main carer (if I understand your op correctly), so you won't get snared for supporting him if you split. You're not married (?) so he cant go after your house, unless he's on the mortgage or deeds.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:19

He asked me if I could get a bigger mortgage and build an extension so his other daughter could have a bigger room, when she stays. She stays in the box room, in a single bed when she stays over at the moment

Brass necked fucker.

How dare you not supply a large en suite with double bed for his daughter when she stays! And how many more years before sheds young adult who don't even staying much anyway?

Missnearlyvintage · 01/03/2019 11:30

I agree with anyone else who has said to get legal advice and consider splitting with your partner.

It sounds as though you resent him and have checked out of the relationship already to an extent anyway.

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2019 11:35

OP you sound awesome, just get rid of your useless fucker of a partner and you'll be so much happier. Of course he won't want to go, he won't want to lose the gravy train so make sure you know where you stand legally, that way you'll be more empowered to deal with his whinging/ promises to change or whatever he does.

You said yourself you wouldn't be with him if not for your daughter. It's precisely because of her that you should leave him. Do you want this to be her first model of a relationship? How would you feel if she was in a relationship like this in the future?

LittleTipple · 01/03/2019 11:53

OP, 'have courage dear heart.' It really sounds like you've got a good life accept for your partner. You're only with him for your DD, which will never work longterm and as she gets older will know you resent him. It won't be easy in the beginning, but you'll feel so much freer without him. You and your DD will be a little team and can conquer life together - without a man. Although don't discount a decent one coming a long one day, you never know!

Original poster

Ivy44 · 01/03/2019 11:58

She’s almost 8. Nice little girl. We sat down and chose a (pink and sparkly) duvet set and lamp which we put on when she stays and if other people (such as my mum) are staying when his daughter isn’t here I change it for a more neutral duvet set.

I don’t want her to feel unwelcome, as none of this is her fault but I think spending 40 odd grand on an extension when she has a perfectly good (if a bit small) room to stay in, is unreasonable. I think he just sees that I earn more so can afford it. I could afford it, but to the detriment of my pension, and in my view we don’t really need an extension.

OP posts:

Meandwinealone · 01/03/2019 11:59

This is definitely not a problem with having your child.
This is 100% about your partner.
If you’d have met someone loving and supportive who contributed and you had a dd late in life. You would not be asking these questions

Original poster

Ivy44 · 01/03/2019 12:10

He isn’t the main carer, daughter stays one night in the week and one at the weekend. We aren’t married. I think he could/would try to claim part of my house but wouldn’t get anywhere as I can prove he has only ever contributed to utility bills and food. I’ve even got emails from years ago when we agreed this.

OP posts:

dreichuplands · 01/03/2019 12:22

OP it sounds like you know what you want to do, so now you just need to follow through on getting it sorted out. Time for a serious conversation.

BunnyColvin · 01/03/2019 12:26

OP you need to cut ties, and the sooner the better. He's a cocklodger.

However, cut ties because you're happy to be raising your child alone, and not because you have expectations around meeting another 'Mr. Right'. To be honest, among the people I know who've split, those who fare worst are the ones who can't be on their own and just dive into another merry-go-round of OLD, unsuitable men, settling for less, yada yada.

Dump him anyway, but particularly dump him if you have no fear of carving out your own life alone with your DC.

Original poster

Ivy44 · 01/03/2019 12:32

I was quite happily single before I had DD. I know it won’t be easy but I like the idea of DD and I being a little team. We don’t need a man to support us so I wouldn’t have any expectations of another one coming along.

OP posts:

blueangel1 · 01/03/2019 12:33

Agreeing with everyone else who thinks the problem is your "D"P. He sounds pretty unpleasant and wants you to finance his lifestyle. I was there once, many years ago, but I got shot.

As for wondering what life would be like without kids, I sometimes ask myself the opposite question as I never had any. I've never thought I made the wrong decision, it just wasn't for me, for lots of reasons.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2019 12:35

Come on, OP, get rid of this weight around your neck. You could have a lovely life with your daughter, without him.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 12:38

but I think spending 40 odd grand on an extension when she has a perfectly good (if a bit small) room to stay in, is unreasonable.

It's absolutely ridiculous, he seems to see you as mummy/daddy/bank/soft touch.

It's brilliant that you have proof he hasnt contributed to mortgage but I think unmarried and not on mortgage/deeds he couldn't do much anyway.

Jiggles101 · 01/03/2019 16:04

Following as am in a very similar situation, partner lives with with me in my house and pays 50% of utilities and buys food. My kids aren't his though.

Have always thought that when if I want him gone he's not got a leg to stand on, hope this is the case!

Original poster

Ivy44 · 01/03/2019 17:00

Hi Jiggles101, that appears to be the case from what I’ve read today. As long as you aren’t married, he isn’t on the deeds/mortgage and hasn’t contributed to either the mortgage or any building/maintenance costs then he doesn’t have a case.

However, the more proof of this you have the better, in case he tries it on. I’ve got emails between us that specifically say that he won’t be contributing towards the mortgage, just food and bills. So if he does try to claim that he thought the £275 per month he gives me was going towards the mortgage, I can just produce those.

Don’t let him pay for any work that needs doing either, or let him do any substantive work. There is a similar case but the man was a builder and had done a lot of work on the house for free (saving the woman about 40k), he was able to say that he’d done the work thinking he had a share in the property and she had to pay him part of the equity she had built up.

OP posts:

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