I think it might be time.

[Summeriscomin]

To leave. But I keep doubting myself. I’ve been here before but go back and then get it threw in my face how I’m so indecisive and invent issues on a month to month basis.

We’ve been together 10 years, not married. Two kids 6&2. House mortgage in both our names.

He earns a really good salary and I have genuinely helped him achieve that. Over the years I’ve always done the majority of the child and house work. He moved away for 9 months to pursue his career then I moved with him once I finished uni. I looked after our son alone during this time.

He says he’s devoted and caring and he can be. But he also extremely childish and can be controlling. After my daughter was born two years ago things have gotten worse and worse.

He goes travelling a lot abroad and on one occasion 1 year ago he went abroad for 2 weeks but treated it like a lads holiday (as usual). He took cocaine and ecstasy (whilst we had a newborn) with his colleagues (he’s the boss).

He came home and then wasn’t happy that I had fake tanned whilst He was away. Made accusatory comments even though I hadn’t done anything at all. Except run the house and care for 2 kids whilst he was partying.

That was the beginning of the end. A few weeks later he went out and didn’t come home til 8am - more drugs.

We had a family bbq and I planned a nice evening with him. Movie and takeaway. At 3pm I find him in our bedroom sniffing cocaine and making plans to go out with friends without even consulting me. Meanwhile kids are running around outside having fun at the bbq.

More nights going out with friends and coming home at 7am whilst me and kids are eating breakfast. Lies about where he was. Said he lies cos I act like his mum.

I decided to get a job as I knew it was bad. I worked full time and cried most days leaving the kids.

When he’s not going out we do nice stuff st weekends. Cinema softplay parks etc. But every so often he’ll go wild.

When he’s at home he works on his laptop or plays computer games. He done absolutely zero housework until I kicked up a storm as I was working full time too. He never takes responsibility to do stuff with kids or house.

He controls on the finances and saves our money in his account. Always has done and I stupidly allow it. Sometimes I’ll ask why can’t I have some and he convinces me it’s better this way. Chooses what we spend our money on. Can’t afford somethings but can afford others. He’s announced he wants a Rolex for his birthday and that’s it. There’s no talking him out of it.

Despite all this he is a good person. He would stay with me forever and ever I believe. I don’t think he means to hurt I just think he’s selfish.

I’m a pushover and sometimes live in a dream world. I could continue but I feel a lot of hurt and anger and I know it’s not good for anyone but how did it become this mess. On paper we have everything.

I don’t believe he won’t take drugs again despite his promises. I have drug tests in the drawer as I no longer trust him. But he works away so often and gets drugs every single time he works abroad so there is no way of me knowing anyway.

I think it’s been ‘time’ for a long, long time.

He's not a good person, partner or father .

Despite all this he is a good person.

No. No he isn’t.

He’s a financially abusive coke head and the reason he came home from his lads holiday accusing you of all sorts is called projection.

Please pick up your self esteem from the floor and leave this selfish bellend.

It’s like if someone said to me (which my family do because I guess some don’t know the full extent and others don’t want us to end) that we could work it out and what has happened isnt that bad then I would doubt myself and think I’m being a horrible person.

I have zero confidence right now in my decisions.

So what are you getting for your birthday? A new Hoover?

To be fair he does always go above for my birthdays. I can’t as I have never had the same money to do so with him. Even though I do want to as I genuinely enjoy giving more than receiving.

But the thing I can’t wrap my head around is him spending £10k in his watch when he could use that towards our mortgage or our debt or wedding.

He convinces me that it’s an asset plus he’s “always wanted one” and works hard.

When he’s working he’s full on devoted. Works all evening and won’t be able to log off to help as “he’s working”. But if he wants to go to the gym or out then suddenly can log off.

You were a fool not to get married.

Is this the Rolex he wants you to spend 500 quid towards?

Your second thread about that watch. It can be something random that pushes us over the edge and this might be yours OP.

Do not marry this person.

He is not a good person. Really, he isn’t.

I know you’d like him to spend the money towards a wedding instead of a Rolex but think of that as a blessing in disguise. You don’t want to be tied to this man. He’s horrible.

He’s right. You are like his mum but only because he acts like a child and leaves you to do all the house work and childcare

Leave him. You and your kids deserve better.

How could he possibly be a good person?

He's got all your money? Marry the bastard first

So an option would be write a very clear list of what needs to change. Ask him what is behind his behaviour because it is unacceptable to you. Tell him these are the things you need. Listen to what he thinks he needs. Get him support to sort his drug and workaholism. And if it hasn't changed in six months then leave. Don't let it go on. You need to have faith you could manage on your own, and the evidence suggests you can.

The first thing you do is open a bank account in your name if you don't already have one and tell work to pay you into that account! Do you have anywhere you can go stay with the kids?

Yes, open a bank account now, this minute, you can do it online. Get your wage paid into it. He's financially abusing you and taking you for an absolute ride.

What does he say to justify all the money being in his name? There is no world in which that is fair, right or in your interests, only in his own.

Then I'd get some legal advice about the house, if I were you.

Then I'd leave the bastard.

I do have my own account. Usually I send my wages over to his account but I have it this month.

The savings are mostly in shares in his name. Anytime I asked to have some he said we would lose money if we sold the shares. I guess it’s my own fault. I was lazy and just let him do what he wants. I genuinely doubt I’d get 50% if everything we saved. He gets to save his own savings too.

I don’t really have anywhere to go. Well I do my mums but living there would genuinely depress me I think. It’s tiny and she’s a hoarder and with two kids and myself sharing a room without Anywhere for our stuff it would be too much. I’ve tried it before when the drug episodes were occurring.

It was end of December last time he went out and took drugs and didn’t come home. He says he’s changed now (it’s been two months).

Day to day he isn’t terrible anymore. I leave for work at 7:45 so I get up at 6am get ready get the kids up and feed them breakfast and leave. He gets up and finishes breakfast gets them ready and empties the dishwasher. He makes the bed.

I then come home at 5:30pm cook dinner, do homework, do washings, tidy and usually put kids to bed. He will sometimes put them down or sometimes hoover or whatever. He works from home and has an office so works in there.

At the weekend he will iron the kids school clothes. This is a new thing as I was doing that too. I order the online shopping and meal plan.

In the evenings he will either work or play his computer games. We rarely spend time together in the evenings. I like it this way though.

So that’s why I say he’s not a bad person. He does contribute financially and did allow me to stay home for two years after our daughter was born (we moved back home after moving away for his work).

I just feel we are different people. I don’t want to go out partying (very rare) where as he enjoys it a lot. I don’t do drugs. He does. And lots and lots of people do in our area and our age and it almost makes him think it’s ok.

I remember the day he came back from working abroad a year ago and made the accusatory comments. It was my sons birthday party. He had been away and missed his birthday. I organised it all. The day he came home was the party. I was getting ready and he made the comments and I was so hurt. I started crying and he said it was bbecause of my past he couldn’t trust. stuff that happened before him when I was a teenager. Basically saying I was too easy.

Anyway I was trying to get ready and be upbeat for the party. I was doing my make up and crying at the same time then there was a knock on the door and the kids started to arrive. I had to pull myself together and put on a brave face. But I said to myself “this is it now. That is not ok. I won’t accept this”.

Then a few eeeks later he went out and stayed out til 8am taking drugs whilst I look after the kids.

I moved out then but came back. I’ve moved out a couple of times this past year.

It’s now at the point where I resent him, would rather live together but not together. Just living our own lives separately and have zero sexual desire for him.

He’s not a good person at all. Drug taking, irresponsible, controlling, financially abusive.

Keep saving your money in your account until you can move to a rented flat or house.

but how did it become this mess
Because he's a lying, cheating, nasty piece of work.
Because he doesn't respect you at all.
Because he's a lazy fucking asshole.
Because he's a coke head.
Because he's not grown up yet.
And... you enable it all.
You know you need to leave.
Make your plans.

Oh and he's the one who's probably been shagging around whilst on his coke binges abroad.

Fuck sake. Leave!

I never say this but leave. My ex was like this, I caught him snorting coke at 2 in the morning by himself on the kitchen counter. I transferred my cash to his account too every month. It eventually escalated and the mortgage and bills were not paid, the credit cards built up. I took on debt too.

He was a professional and image was everything, he was buying the drugs and sharing them out. His decent friends drifted away and the frequency of the binges increased.

I would start planning for you and your children, it's not going to change unless he wants it too, ultimatums don't work with a coke addict as then it becomes a secret as you are a nag and boring. I would be surprised if those shares exist and that he has any savings, he's making excuses, check the paperwork.

It will take time but in your heart you know what to do, you have already left, if that didn't make him change, nothing will. It took me 2 years from discovering the drug use to leave and another 2 years to realise how much better my life was not waiting for the next binge or lie.

Hellsbells us spot on. I was an enabler too. But you deserve better.

Sounds exactly like my ex. Secret cocaine use and partying all night.

Dump him now and run like the wind.

Thanks. I am making plans. Also we save for the kids every month. Guess whose name that’s all in and I won’t see a penny of it either.

The money does exist cos I have seen it very recently.

I make him promise he won’t take drugs when he goes abroad next month and he says he won’t but his face and smirk say it all.

You have sleepwalked into a terrible situation

Not married and all assets in his name, even the children's future

He takes cocaine around children. He keeps drugs in the house. I expect social services would have something to say about that.

You need to leave.

Yes I agree. I was shocked to the core when I found out. depressed and confused but forgave cos I wanted to believe it was a one off.

He promised nothing would ever re enter our house. But following this continues to use it whenever he went for a night out. Coming in at breakfast time.

But then would go weeks or months with no partying or travelling for work and it would seem like a nice family life.

Now he’s not been out for 2 months he can’t see what the issue is. Why am I still upset?!

But now he decides he wants a Rolex so £10k to flash and show off to people who don’t care. I care and his kids care about him. We don’t care what watch he uses. Especially when he’s told me we can’t spend that money. Not until he decides anyway. When I say I don’t agree with the watch he says I’m ruining his birthday and excitement.

What about my sons birthday he ruined by Nasty comments to the one person who cares and steps up and looks after the kids and puts them first 100% of the time.

He sounds horrible and like a weak person that puts status even before his family

I read your Rolex thread and thought the same thing then