To leave. But I keep doubting myself. I’ve been here before but go back and then get it threw in my face how I’m so indecisive and invent issues on a month to month basis.
We’ve been together 10 years, not married. Two kids 6&2. House mortgage in both our names.
He earns a really good salary and I have genuinely helped him achieve that. Over the years I’ve always done the majority of the child and house work. He moved away for 9 months to pursue his career then I moved with him once I finished uni. I looked after our son alone during this time.
He says he’s devoted and caring and he can be. But he also extremely childish and can be controlling. After my daughter was born two years ago things have gotten worse and worse.
He goes travelling a lot abroad and on one occasion 1 year ago he went abroad for 2 weeks but treated it like a lads holiday (as usual). He took cocaine and ecstasy (whilst we had a newborn) with his colleagues (he’s the boss).
He came home and then wasn’t happy that I had fake tanned whilst He was away. Made accusatory comments even though I hadn’t done anything at all. Except run the house and care for 2 kids whilst he was partying.
That was the beginning of the end. A few weeks later he went out and didn’t come home til 8am - more drugs.
We had a family bbq and I planned a nice evening with him. Movie and takeaway. At 3pm I find him in our bedroom sniffing cocaine and making plans to go out with friends without even consulting me. Meanwhile kids are running around outside having fun at the bbq.
More nights going out with friends and coming home at 7am whilst me and kids are eating breakfast. Lies about where he was. Said he lies cos I act like his mum.
I decided to get a job as I knew it was bad. I worked full time and cried most days leaving the kids.
When he’s not going out we do nice stuff st weekends. Cinema softplay parks etc. But every so often he’ll go wild.
When he’s at home he works on his laptop or plays computer games. He done absolutely zero housework until I kicked up a storm as I was working full time too. He never takes responsibility to do stuff with kids or house.
He controls on the finances and saves our money in his account. Always has done and I stupidly allow it. Sometimes I’ll ask why can’t I have some and he convinces me it’s better this way. Chooses what we spend our money on. Can’t afford somethings but can afford others. He’s announced he wants a Rolex for his birthday and that’s it. There’s no talking him out of it.
Despite all this he is a good person. He would stay with me forever and ever I believe. I don’t think he means to hurt I just think he’s selfish.
I’m a pushover and sometimes live in a dream world. I could continue but I feel a lot of hurt and anger and I know it’s not good for anyone but how did it become this mess. On paper we have everything.
I don’t believe he won’t take drugs again despite his promises. I have drug tests in the drawer as I no longer trust him. But he works away so often and gets drugs every single time he works abroad so there is no way of me knowing anyway.