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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I go back to him?

31 replies

NowWhat19 · 28/02/2019 18:21

Hi All,

First time posting here so please forgive me if I should post in a different area.

I’m a mum to my lovely daughter who is 5 months old, she was not planned but is so wanted and loved. Recently I left her father as from the day she was born he has done very little to help apart from when I’ve threatened to leave (things would the revert back within a week or so) and even then it was minimal. My ex and I didn’t live together before DDs birth, his choice as I had tried to discuss us buying together but he seemed to ignore. We had been in a relationship for 5 years of which 3 of those were long distance. There was also some history of him texting other women (boarding sexting) during our relationship.

Now he has begged me to come back to him, he told me that he will help out more around the flat and that he misses DD and I. I guess my question is do I take him back to see if I can make it work for my DD Or should I stay seperated?

OP posts:
ShabbyAbby · 28/02/2019 18:26

Don't do it
You and your DD deserve more
It doesn't sound like you even love or like him? And he's failed to step up as a Dad before? So what's changed?!

NameChangeNugget · 28/02/2019 18:27

Deep down, only you can decide this. Leopards very rarely change their spots though.
Do you think he may not be able to afford to buy? Some times, the root cause of breaks up, aren’t what they appear on the face of things.

Good luck with what you decide Flowers

Nc1548 · 28/02/2019 18:27

You shouldn't make it work "for your DD", you can try to make it work for you as a couple.
Personally I wouldn't be able to get past cheating, but if you want to have a go I would do it very slowly and I wouldn't have him moving in. If his good will lasts more than the usual week then you can decide what to do next.

category12 · 28/02/2019 18:28

What has he actually done since you split up? Has he made lots of effort to see his dd? Has he paid child support? Has he taken on any aspect of her care or to done anything to make your life easier?

Easy to say he'll do more, but he's said that before, and reverted within a week. The sexting would also put me off.

contestingtheages · 28/02/2019 18:30

Absolutely not. He has spent a long time showing you who he is - he's still that person. Has he shown any really insight into the underlying personality and attitudes that led to such behaviour? Has he shown how he has reflected on himself and grown as a person?

He misses his daughter. That's really sad for him, really. But it is not your responsbility to fuck over your life to facilitate the life he wants.

category12 · 28/02/2019 18:32

Also "help out more" is a pile of rubbish - if you live together, the household stuff is shared, it's not one person "helping out" the other.

rachelfrost · 28/02/2019 18:34

Why would you go back to him? (Not a rhetorical question).

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 28/02/2019 19:55

I care about him, but I’m naturally the type of person who always cares far too much about people and also gives a lot!

Since we left, he joined us on her first trip to the beach.. apart from that nothing really apart from texting to ask how she is. Also no maintenance yet.. but put it this way I have been the one to financially provide for our DD, clothes, nappies, pram, toys, cot etc don’t get me wrong he has brought her somethings but really it’s been me.

@NameChangeNugget, oh no he could afford to buy.. he ended up buying so the flat is mortgaged in his name only. When I brought this up to him he said it was because he knew I had brought with my ex and got done over financially when we broke up, all good and well but I did question him on why he didn’t tell me that was his reasoning at the time and just ignored my suggestion he had no comment after.

I suppose the other side of it is I also asked him for a break last year before I found I was pregnant (but while pregnant), said I wasn’t happy and we just needed sometime but he said we might as well just break up. Stupidly instead of doing so I found myself hurt that he so flippantly suggested breaking up instead of helping to fix things as in his head we were happy. So I think part of me thinks those feelings must still be there and it’s more the case that he wants our daughter to live with him but doesn’t want to do any of the work to take care of her.

You are all probably right I’m far better off without him, I am most certainly happier.. was verging on becoming depressed when I left, that was pretty much what made me leave thinking I cannot be the best Mum to DD if I’m this low!

OP posts:
Original poster
NowWhat19 · 28/02/2019 19:58

@rachelfrost, I think it goes back to wanting my DD to have two parents living together and also I’d love more kids in the future and I suppose I worry that I won’t have anymore. Although I am at a point where I do think ok maybe DD will be my only child but if she were would it be the end of the world.. of course not, I’m so blessed to have her and I’ll be blessed if I have more.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 28/02/2019 20:00

I agree with others. Don’t go back. I’m sure he is remorseful but deep down he’ll always be lazy. My ex was lazy in every single way. I warned him and warned him what would happen but he ignored me. He was very devastated when I left. Didn’t see it coming. Stupid really. I’ve never looked back, not once. Biggest best decision I made. You concentrate on being a brilliant mum to your DD without having an irritating man child in the way spoiling things.

category12 · 28/02/2019 20:02

OK, so he's done bugger all to show he wants to be an involved parent and equal partner.

And you're happier without him.

So stay that way. Don't let some sort of feeling of obligation or guilt take you back into an unhappy situation. He can be a good dad if he wants to be, without having to be in a relationship with you.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 28/02/2019 20:13

I think you’re right, somehow I feel guilty and there is no reason I should. Even whilst heavily pregnant I was the one cleaning the entire place.. all while he played Xbox and apparently wondered where I was for 2hrs (it’s a 2 bed flat he could here what I was doing) think what’s worse is even after giving birth I was still doing it all and when I say after giving birth I’m talking days.

I suppose in someways I think maybe he has changed.. but can someone really change that much?

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 28/02/2019 20:17

He's already told you who he is - it's time to listen to it.
He's not even really 'there' for your daughter, let alone you.
As hard as that is to accept, it's going to save you a lot of heartache if you can. Thanks

category12 · 28/02/2019 20:20

Well all he's done is say he has changed or will.

He could have been paying child support, asking if you need anything, giving you a break, offering to have your dd for an hour or two. But no. A few texts and promises.

Lilymossflower · 28/02/2019 20:29

Stay seperate !!!

For the love of dear daughter, stay seperate so she don't have a lazy unfaithful dosser father figure in her life.

Both of you far far better off without!

rachelfrost · 28/02/2019 20:30

I’d prioritise having a happy home over a home with two parents. By happy I don’t mean perfect but one where both parents are on the same team. It doesn’t sound like there’s much in your relationship to work with: you don’t mention how special he is it that you work well together or that you can make each other laugh or how he’s made you feel heard etc. Sorry, I don’t mean to be unkind but it doesn’t sound like there’s much of a relationship.

It may seem impossible now but you might meet someone else and have another child, there’s lots of sperm out there Grin and also three years from today is a whole other world, maybe one with your perfect-ish partner in it.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 28/02/2019 20:50

@rachelfrost, oh if I could say something special.. in the beginning he certainly was funny but at the end I just needed someone who heard me when I said I didn’t want banter especially after DD arrived. She wouldn’t take a bottled and I was tired.. and not from the feeds but from picking up after him, trying to look after myself and DD and him! For the love of god I had to explain to him why I couldn’t give him a massage when I was 6 weeks PP.

What am I on about, typing this all out reminds of all that he has/hasn’t done

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 28/02/2019 21:58

Keep a journal of everything that made you sad in the relationship. We all tend to look back with rose tinted glasses but reflect on what you have wrote.

It is very difficult to change and the root cause of his laziness probably lies in his sense of entitlement and a belief that a woman should look after him. He would have to challenge and overturn his beliefs to really change. What are his parents like?

Your daughter can have a happy life with a single mum.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 28/02/2019 22:57

Well @lifebegins50 he comes from an Asian family and at that a very patriarchal family! So he has been very much used to his mum doing everything for him and in my eyes not been very respectful of his Mum but will expect her to cook, clean etc I did look at his parents marriage and thought ok I don’t want that to be me.. seemed very much like two people stuck together because they had kids.

Very true my DD can have a very happy life and learn that she doesn’t need to look after any man just because she is female

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 28/02/2019 23:08

You have just described a useless man child and you're wondering if you should go back?

Short answer, no.
Long answer, noooooooooo.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/03/2019 10:21

I think he wants his maid back!
Could you suggest going back to dating?
One night a week to start with to see how things go.
Don't move back in though. Not any time soon.
I honestly don't think you should bother.
But.... if you do want to give it a go then take it all very slowly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2019 10:29

He wants his house elf back.

Stay separate and raise your relationship bar a lot higher before you even think about embarking on another relationship.

Original poster
NowWhat19 · 01/03/2019 18:05

Exactly what I am wondering, if he just wants his little helper back and to see DD everyday... I wonder if I was expecting too much of my ex when she as born, but then I think even just helping a little, washing up, changing nappies or emptying the bins would have gone a long way. Don’t get me wrong I should have left him to get on with that sort of stuff but when the flat smells of rotten food and you have a young one what is a Mum to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
NowWhat19 · 01/03/2019 19:52

On another note, while we were still together I left him and DD in the bedroom sort of playing in the bed, when I came back he was in the living room watching tv and she was alone on the bed bearing in mind she could roll at this point! To be I just thought ok couldn’t you take her with you, she isn’t going to sleep and is wide awake so why just leave her alone. Or was that been a tad bit sensitive ?

OP posts:
Allways123 · 02/03/2019 08:33

So he just left the little one and went and sat down elsewhere... This is careless.. Can't he watch his own child for 5 mins

Most people would take the child with them to watch over them.. Its as if he thinks its a toy that he can pick up and put down again when he's feeling bored.. Doesn't he think you need a break as well.Having a family is a joint responsibility after all and he is not doing his share. He doesn't sound mature enough to be having a family. He sounds way too selfish. Don't let him get away with treating you like this. He needs to grow up.