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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH is cheating

51 replies

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/02/2019 15:52

ok Mumsnetters, advice needed. My OH is cheating and has left - shit happens I guess. I dont know her, but a friend of a friend does and has her phone number. I am sorely tempted to phone her and have a rant (she knows he is married).
Would phoning her be a/ empowering and strong, or
b/ sad and pathetic??
Views please

OP posts:
adultcat · 28/02/2019 15:54

I personally wouldn't give him or her the satisfaction! Even if my heart was breaking inside, I would hold my head high, look fucking fabulous and show him I don't need him! Let her have him and wash his smelly pants and socks! Hugs xx

JFDIJFDIJFDI · 28/02/2019 15:57

I rang the other woman and asked if she would put my husband on the line, she hung up.... don’t do it, keep your dignity. They are soooo not worth it. Hugs to you.

JaneyJimplin · 28/02/2019 15:58

I did when I found out about my OH. Called her and then messaged her a photo of our kids. Don't think she cared tbh. If you're morally devoid enough to shag a married man, you are probably already quite adept at not giving a fuck about hurting people.

Up to you though. If you think it'll make you feel better, why the heck not. You don't owe her any favours. But you might come away feeling worse.

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/02/2019 15:59

Sorry to hear that.

Personally, I didn’t contact the OW, who also knew he was married and had met me and our kids. I wanted to hang onto what dignity I had left and actually, it was my husband who was married, not her.

I was seeing someone for a few weeks recently and he ended things to get back together with his wife. Fine. I then got a messenger message from her weeks later saying she knows I slept with her husband and is it still going on?! I did nothing wrong there so ignored and blocked her! She came across as a little unhinged to me!

Isth · 28/02/2019 16:00

I wouldn’t OP, you’ll never get any satisfaction from it as nothing she could possibly say would make anything right again. You need to try your hardest to disengage as much as you can, and I know how hard that is, but it’s the only way you’ll get through this. I’m so sorry Flowers

Shitonthebloodything · 28/02/2019 16:01

I'm sorry to hear this, it's a shitty thing to go through. As temping as it is, stay away from the phone. No good will come of it. You don't know her or how she'll react and you could come away feeling worse. Protect yourself and hold your head high. In the long run, happiness is the greatest revenge. People who start their relationships this way will never be completely happy or secure you just have to concentrate on getting through this shit part first. Be kind to yourself Flowers

LemonTT · 28/02/2019 16:01

Unfortunately you call her, she complains to him and he will take her side and complain to you. You go through the pain of rejection all over again along.

Hanab · 28/02/2019 16:04

Tbh I probably would phone her and tell her thank you for taking the loser off my hands & wish them well even whilst my heart was being shattered into a million pieces.. why? Because if he could not be faithful to me, I am worth more than being a convenience or a settlement .. she is welcome to take my leftovers 🤷🏻‍♀️ Each to their own OP .. that is what I personally would do ..

Best wishes OP 🌷

It will be difficult but the/your future is now in YOUR hands .. you can shape it & find your happiness.. hope that makes sense 🌷

Fannybaws52 · 28/02/2019 16:12

Don't phone her. She will only pity you. It's pathetic. She doesn't care how badly you hurt or that she helped crush your dreams. She didn't care when she let him take her knickers off and she won't care if you call her to tell her.

It's not even her fault really. She never lied to you or made promises to love you. It's all on him so lashing out at her won't make you feel any better and he still gets off with no repercussions.

Instead, you move on. You show your ex and her that you are better than them. Go to the gym, buy some new clothes and have your hair done. Make yourself feel beautiful and empowered and you SHOW them that they are nothing to you.

I bet if your ex sees pics of you looking great, going out and living your life to the fullest, he will feel that twinge of regret and when he reaches out to you as many of them do, you will finally feel that closure and feel the win. It's the best way to take back the hurt and shame you feel at what has been done to you and you may even meet someone better who will cherish you the way you deserve.

A girls night out is a great place to start! Flowers

ConfCall · 28/02/2019 16:16

She already knew his situation (presumably). So she is aware of you but doesn't particularly care.

And if she's of the drama queen variety she'll revel in telling everyone about the "psycho" ex. Don't give her that enjoyment.

The best thing you can do now is live a good, full life.

emilybrontescorsett · 28/02/2019 16:19

I did but I would advise you not to.
No good will come from it.
The best revenge is to move on and make your life better, which will happen in time.

PlinkPlink · 28/02/2019 16:44

Take the classy road.

You are way better than both of them and actually have some morals to boot. Don't waste your time.

Focus on creating the positives in your life. Focus on your kids and direct your energy that way. Focus on your freedom too.

MojitoMojitoo · 28/02/2019 16:50

I messaged the OW but only because I had suspicions and I knew I wouldnt get the answer from him. I NEVER wanted to be that person.

She gave me a sob story about how she was so sorry and really wasnt that type of person even though she told me she was fully aware of me.

In a way I regret that I asked her I think I should of just gone with my gut. I feel embarrassed that I had to ask!

Hold you head high and get on with your life without him dont give them the satisfaction xxx

Orange6904 · 28/02/2019 16:50

They don't care. Best to stay quiet. I sent a couple of messages to the girl my partner cheated and left for when I was really shocked and upset and I wish I hadn't really.

Mitzimaybe · 28/02/2019 17:00

He probably gave her the old "my wife doesn't understand me, she's a miserable old harridan and the marriage is over in all but name" spiel and if you phone and rant at her it will just confirm her belief that you are a madwoman who has made his life hell.

It won't make you feel better.

Write it all down (but don't ever send it.) That way you will get it out but not make a fool of yourself. Write it on here if you want.

Ragnarhairybreetches · 28/02/2019 17:03

I sent a brief message to let her know I knew. She replied with a load of lies about she hadn't a clue what I was on about, ' she didn't see him in them ways'. Then when he told me all, she contacted me to tell me how horrible it all was for her (she was also married) and how rough it was for her.
Seriously, high road, you will get nothing satisfying out of it and you'll wish you hadn't later on. As others have said, it's shit but head high, stride out, don't give them the satisfaction, you'll feel better for it in a few months time even though it's hard to do now. Flowers

Original poster
Purplecatshopaholic · 28/02/2019 17:04

Thanks all - wise words. Think I will lick my wounds and take some time out from fuckwit men, lol

OP posts:
lunicorn · 28/02/2019 17:07

He cheated on you. Save your anger for him

2019willbegreat · 28/02/2019 17:10

I am.in similar position but wouldn't go there for the reasons above.one of the best things I've ever read on here is " the best revenge is a life lived well" - it's now my mantra. Keep your dignity and your fingers away from messaging! Good luck.

KanielOutis · 28/02/2019 17:37

I didn't contact OW. I just sent him on his way without a backwards glance.

Mumshappy · 28/02/2019 17:42

I never contacted the OW. Im five years on and im so glad I didnt. Kept my head held high and retained the moral high ground. I hope your ok OP.

WouldDoItAgain · 28/02/2019 17:56

I did contact her

I text both of them saying I knew what was going on

I lost my shit for days. Dropped about a stone and a half in a week or so. Didn't sleep for days

She was someone we both knew via work.

I felt humiliated for a long time so I went to see her in work. Closed her office door and told her that I would be watching her. That she'd fucked with the wrong person and I never forget anyone who fucks me over. She went white

I gave OH a much worse time as he was the one who had a commitment to me but there was no way she wasn't going to have to look me in the eye and own what she did as she was fully aware that I existed

I don't regret it

NameChangeNugget · 28/02/2019 18:29

He cheated on you. Save your anger for him

This entirely.

S021 · 28/02/2019 19:15

I did similar WouldDoItAgain and as your name says, would absolutely do it again.

lickencivers · 28/02/2019 19:23

I messaged her .... it made me feel sad and pathetic afterwards.

I wouldn't do it again.