OH is cheating

[Purplecatshopaholic]

ok Mumsnetters, advice needed. My OH is cheating and has left - shit happens I guess. I dont know her, but a friend of a friend does and has her phone number. I am sorely tempted to phone her and have a rant (she knows he is married).
Would phoning her be a/ empowering and strong, or
b/ sad and pathetic??
Views please

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I am sure I would be mature enough not to phone her, not so sure I wouldn't remember her phone number and get it on all sorts of sales type lists.

I didn't contact her. She contacted me to tell me to stop upsetting my exh. Then she continued to text me for months before I eventually changed numbers.

@woulddoitagain.....I get where you are coming from. But what did it actually achieve other than her turning white?

I think I'd text her and tell her you've had a lucky escape and you feel sorry for her!

Don't do it . Keep your self respect - it will achieve nothing. I fully understand the temptation though OP, but trust me you'll regret doing it once the storm has passed. Sorry you're having a hard time xxx

2019, it made me feel like I had some say in it

It had gone on behind my back with people all 3 of us knew knowing with me being the only one who didn't

I felt like she had been distant from the actual pain they had both caused and that, while I was in a position to let him know what he'd done, she had not had to face the consequences of what she'd done to me

I felt 100% better for doing it

I never imagined I'd be in that position. And I'd thought that I would adopt the moral high ground if I was, but for me to move on from it, I needed to feel like she'd seen me and part of me needed her to feel shit about what she'd been complicit in

And I can't stress enough that I didn't think the blame was all on her but she played a part in it

write what you would say to her and don't send it - cut it up. Sending it to her just it makes you look desperate and you don't want to feel like she has the upper hand. I am sorry you are going through this.

No - you do not want to look like the batshit crazy ex!
He will be portraying you as this anyway - don't add fuel to the fire.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Are there kids involved?

Please get all the real life support you can around you.
Lean on people.
Keep busy.

I’m thinking along the same lines as ittakes2 - write down what you’d like to say to her (or to him) and burn it.

Sorry you’re in this situation xxx

I phoned the very young other woman and ended up with her dad on my doorstep having a go at me for upsetting his daughter. My spineless, cheating husband just sat there and said nothing- everything I'd ever loved about him instantly disappeared.

It's very tempting to call but you can't ever know how the call will pan out, I'd save your anger for him, if I were you x

Thankfully I've never been in your position but I did see my Mum go through this. It's fair to say she went absolutely batshit crazy at Dad and his OW, posted cat poo through their letter box, screamed and shouted at them.
I think it made her feel better.
She didn't care what the other woman thought of her, and why should she? As the wronged person my Mum dealt with her anger how she wanted to and be damned with what they thought of her. I think as long as you don't do anything illegal (I appreciate my Mum was borderline!!) Then you do what you need to, to work through your feelings.

i think for the ow it will beworse ifyou dont...

she'll be forever waitingand thinking youre not as crazy as he said - or are you?!!

be mysterious!

not getting touch also says: i dont give a shit about you, when the likelihood is, shes been obsessed by you for ages.

@OddCat

I'd have told her dad to get lost and teach his daughter better morals and values, than to f**k a married man.

Then promptly told him to get off your property.

Any half decent parent would tell their child that a consequence of having an affair with a MM, is pissing his wife off and placing yourself at risk of facing some backlash and more at times.

OP.. don't give her the time of day.

@SandyY2K Trust me , I told him exactly what his dd had been up to .

@OddCat

Good on you.
I hope he felt truly ashamed.

Thanks for your responses everyone. I am still in a state of shock I think - we were married over 20 years and while I was very unwell last year, he was cheating. Hes not the man I thought he was.

@purple.....this is the hard part. I was with my exH more than 23 years. He was always quite selfish but generally a nice, decent guy. Now I don't recognise him. He is a different person. It is so strange.

Purple & everythingwillbegreat

People grow in different directions as they age. The hope is always that you will grow together in the same direction. Sometimes this does not happen and those people you love change and go in a different direction.
Some pick less crappy routes than your other halfs (halves?)

That's an explanation, I guess, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Grieve for the people you thought they were. They don't exist anymore. In time, it will hurt less. Hugs for now though and find support from those around you xx

actually, I did, I was extremely polite and made a point of not being needy - it was a very matter of fact conversation. she soon showed her true colours to my "D"H... it didn't work well for her - and I do take comfort in that.

Have you ended the marriage then op?

I don't really think calling will achieve anything.

I am not going to call - thanks for your wise words everyone. Going to rise above it and get on with life without him (yes, I am getting divorced on the grounds of his adultery). Its tough but plenty of people have been here before me and survived, and so will I.