DH has left me, I think there must an OW

[Annaliberataaa]

Hi all, long time lurker but first time poster here. I am in dire need of advice as I am really struggling to cope with my situation.

Two months ago DH told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage, that he hadn’t been happy in a long time and that he wanted to discuss separation. We have been married for 8 years, together for 16, two DC 8 yo and 12 yo. We are both 45.

That was news to me. I admit that our relationship hadn’t been great for a few years, I suppose a case of your regular drifting apart and neglecting each other that can happen when you have young kids. We never argued much, I feel like we just weren’t very involved in each other’s life IYSWIM. Our sex life was not the best either, although still good when we made an effort. I assumed it was just a rough patch and we were going to snap out of it eventually, as we did many times in the past. I thought that is what settled, long-term relationships look like once they move past the butterflies stage. Never in a million years I would have imagined that the situation was so bad that he would consider separating.

Since then we have been going around in circles, we had so many conversations about this. We’ve been on two counselling sessions but I don’t think they helped much. He just seems to be set on separating, he says he is not happy in the marriage and that he can’t do this any longer. In the last couple of days I finally accepted there is nothing else I can do to make him change his mind. We have started discussing the details of how to arrange shared custody of our DC and the property we own together (not the marital home) is going to go on the market soon. We agreed he’ll move out from the marital home after Easter, and we’ll tell the DC just before he moves out to minimize stress for them. I can’t even envision how hurt and confused they’ll feel when we tell them.

I am utterly devastated. I can’t comprehend how the man that I have been loving and that has loved me for nearly two decades could so suddenly decide to walk away from me and from our children. It makes no sense. I have crying myself to sleep for weeks now, I just can’ take this pain anymore. It is also so hard to put up a brave face for the DC and pretend all is ok.

I am convinced that there must be an OW, that is the only possible explanation for such a sudden change of heart. I have gone through his phone, his personal laptop, his work laptop, his bills, his bags, his coats, everything. I found nothing. He doesn’t go out after work often and when he does I always know who he is with and he comes back early anyway. I even considered following him or hiring a private investigator, but I realised that makes me sound like I am nuts.

I don’t know why I am even posting this. I guess I am hoping to get advice from someone who’s been there before? If you strongly suspected there was an OW, how did you find proof? I feel like I am becoming obsessed with this idea of the OW, I don’t know why. I just need to make sense of what is happening to me.

Your obsession may be being fuelled by your need to feel that there must be a reason.

There is often another woman when a man leaves but of course, this won’t always be the case.

I know of two marriages that didn’t work out where there weren’t other women involved. In fact, neither of these men have had a relationship since as far as I know.

Someone’s not being happy is enough of a reason as many will post on here when a woman is thinking of leaving a man.

There could be. But you seem surprised that he has been unhappy for a while, yet the marriage has been pretty poor for a long time.

You may have been willing to wait for it to pass. Without actually doing anything.

Could the possibility of an OW just be a distraction from the real problems?

I found out via his business phone bills.
I used to do his accounts - the asshole!

OP - this is really really hard.

I feel your physical pain here. It's excruciating!
There probably is OW.
This is the classic, Love you but not in love with you and re-writing of history.
Although, you say yourself that it hasn't been good for a while.
The fact he doesn't want to work on it says the most really.

But......Easter is 7 weeks away.
I can tell you from personal experience that living with him will be hell on earth.
Is there any where he can go?
Family? Friends?
Being under the same roof is just extra stress and pressure that you do not want to have to deal with along with everything else.

Please confide in others - get some real life support around you.
I kept ExH secret for a while, in the hope we might work it out and I didn't want anyone to think too badly of him.
It's so lonely and again.... more pressure on you.
Talk to someone non-judgey.
The relief when you tell someone is immense.

Be kind to yourself. Cry your eyes out when the kids are in bed and get lots of cuddles from friends and family.

There isn't always an OW despite the hysteria from some posters on here. If you've found no evidence and have no instinct that she exists, then she probably does not.

I wouldn't live in limbo until Easter OP. I think that he needs to get out now he's decided it's what he wants, once the DC have been told.

See a solicitor, lean on trusted friends. Post here.

I remember the pain its almost physical isnt it. So devastating. There usually is a OW but i guess not always your instinct will tell you. Dcs are resilient as long as they are loved and dont feel its their fault.

I agree easter is a long way away and this will be so hard for you- can he live in the other house? Be kind to yourself dont be thinking about him and how hes feeling, concentrate on you. Hope you have good friends to help you

So you are going through this. Whatever the reasons, I think you need to accept that the marriage is over.

But why wait until Easter for him to move out? That's almost 2 months away!!! Surely it would be better for both of you for him to move out as soon as possible? Then you can start adjusting and healing.

I'm sorry for your pain OP, it must be very hard for you.

If your husband has left then that seems to be quite clear that he sees the marriage as over. As you say, it hasn't been good for quite a while and perhaps neither of you addressed that elephant in the room? You acknowledge that the relationship hasn't been good yet it's come as a news to you. I personally think that a marriage that remains intact when it's unhappy is no marriage at all and it's better that it ends. That's no consolation to you as you feel bereft and lost. I'm really sorry for that.

It's up to both you and your husband to decide how to tell your children and make plans for your formal separation/divorce if that's what either of you wants as a next step. If he is a decent parent also then the impact will be lessened as the children will still see their dad.

Whether there's an OW or not is immaterial really as he's been upfront now and ended the marriage as far as he's concerned. You know that he's moved out and now you have your own plans to make for your future. I know it sounds frightening as this is what you've known for a long time, but sometimes what's around the corner is even better. To me, being alone is preferable to sharing a home and life with somebody who's there under sufferance or who has checked out. You both deserve better than that.

Do you think you'll be able to speak to your husband to sort things out for the children and for the home/finances? Mediation can be quite helpful if you think it would be an option.

There's lots of advice here and the best of it will be what's factual in relation to making sure that you get a fair outcome; that's what's important.

Best wishes to you, I know this is rough, I've been there. I'm so sorry.

I'm looking at this from a males perspective, my wife and I kinda fit your demographics as well, I'm 49 she's 45 and we've been together for 28 years. We've had ups and downs, but have been able to get through by talking together, but more importantly was me actually listening to what my DW was saying. In the past have you 2 been able to have open deep honest conversations about any and all things. If you have, I'd say try and have one more talk, and ask him to be specific with what would make him happy? Not what has made him unhappy, but what would make him happy, and don't let him duck and weave. IMO, people have the ability to leave any relationship at anytime for any reason (that's today's society), but at least have the common decency to be honest as to why.

Is he having a midlife crisis? If the marriage has been a bit stale for a while and he’s saying he can’t do this anymore? What is his “this”? Have you asked him what he’s hoping will improve if you separate? He stands to loose seeing his children everyday & if the dc consider him to be “walking out” then there maybe longer term consequences to his relationship with them. Your children are 8 and 12 so they’re becoming a bit more independent - certainly less dependent on you and him for every need. What exactly would he change about your relationship that would make him want to stay? You’ve said you’ve not really been having rows so it doesn’t sound like there’s a breakdown in the relationship in that way. Is it he simply thinks the grass maybe greener elsewhere?

I agree with @toddman70 fwiw I’m 43 dh 40 we’ve been together 23 yrs and married 18.5yrs.

IMO, people have the ability to leave any relationship at anytime for any reason (that's today's society), but at least have the common decency to be honest as to why.

He has been honest. He isn't happy and given the ops long list of what's wrong, it sounds like neither are happy.

The only difference is that op was happy to sit and wait and hope they found their way out of it. Which rarely happens on it's own.

It's very sad the OP is in so much pain, but some people aren't happy to stay unhappy and hope it's better one day. He has told her he isn't happy and theres no proof of anything else.

@tennessewhiskey where is the long list of things that are wrong? OP says the fact he was unhappy was news to her and the he hasn’t really said what is wrong - just that he’s unhappy and “can’t do this anymore” If there’s no OW sounds to me like he’s being a selfish b and thinks he can do better now and/or is having a midlife crisis.

The long list is

I admit that our relationship hadn’t been great for a few years, I suppose a case of your regular drifting apart and neglecting each other that can happen when you have young kids. We never argued much, I feel like we just weren’t very involved in each other’s life IYSWIM. Our sex life was not the best either, although still good when we made an effort. I assumed it was just a rough patch

Neither made effort. It's not ops fault. Theres enough there to be unhappy. I would be.

Agree with TennesseeWhiskey entirely. It's not helpful for posters to just project their own miserable experiences onto OP's relationship and there seem to be quite a few doing that.

Anybody can leave a relationship; a marriage isn't a block of cement, it's hard work and if one or both isn't actively interested in sorting out issues then sooner or later it gets to crunch point... which it now has.

what would make him happy

the best thing my granny ever taught me is that noone else's happiness is your fault or responsibility. If the OP begs and pleads on 'how' to make him happy she will then make it her lifes work trying to do this, and eventually resenting him for the work she is putting in to try to do so.

OP I am sorry this is happening to you

My ex and I split because he was unhappy. No other woman. People saying there is always one are being ridiculous. If I'm in an unhappy relationship, I leave. I don't know why men can't just do the same.

Op, you have been drifting apart for years. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but whatever his reason, he has gone.

Would you consider counselling to turn the focus back on you, and not on what he is doing.

I agree Laughing

There’s always the OW gets rolled out all too often.

Good luck OP, I think he’s being kind in ending it, neither of you sound happy & you could have lived less than half your life yet.

Time will be your friend

I thought that is what settled, long-term relationships look like once they move past the butterflies stage.

Long term relationships aren't meant to be unhappy. Of course there are ups and downs, but its been a few years of unhappiness.

Neither of you really put in the effort and the marriage got neglected.

He should have spoken to you before deciding to split about how unhappy he was, so you could both had a chance to work on it.

He'd already decided to leave by the time he spoke to you. It's entirely possible his unhappiness, led to him meeting someone else.

Anyone with a bit of sense, would not leave evidence for you to find... especially after he's told you he wants to seperate. He could have a secret email address or a burner phone to contact an OW with.

You need to look after yourself and prepare for a life without him.

• Seek support from family members.
• Act as if you are moving on with your life.

•Be strong, outgoing and attractive.

•Don’t sit around – get busy, do things, go to gym, go out with friends, etc

• Take care of yourself (get fresh air, focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

• Be strong and confident. Individual counselling may help

Anna, I am very sorry for your heartbreak.

The suddenness of his decision and his refusal to provide a reason do suggest that an OW may be waiting. If so, it would likely be someone connected with work with whom he can easily communicate in person.

Who came up with the Easter timeline? It could be when the OW will be available.

Having him in the home makes this so much worse for you, a constant reminder of his abandonment. He has thrown a grenade into your life and needs to leave now as a consequence. Put up a boundary. You cannot gather your wits or regain your equilibrium with him there.

Since you cannot rest without knowing if he is cheating (understandable), you probably should hire a P. I.

Meant to say, it would likely be someone connected with work with whom he can easily communicate in person and with a second phone.

2 counselling sessions is far from sufficient. Counselling isn’t always about fixing relationships but seeing where it is going. You now have the breakdown of a 16 year relationship with children to manage and process. I would ask him to go to counselling with you for the next few months to support each other and your children in this transition as best you can.

It’s entirely possible there’s no OW. It may simply be that he has felt like this for some time so has mentally checked out of the marriage .. but he’s only now felt able to say anything.

You, on the other hand, are coming to this fresh. Of course you will be shocked. I hope you and he will be able to sit and talk, and work through this amicably.

I looked at my wifes sat nav recent destinations to see where she’d been going....it was quite revealing

You could ask him and pay attention to his micro movements rather than his words.

You could also ask him if there was someone in the frame - there may not be an OW - he may chose not to be unfaithful - but may have a friendship/EA developing.