DH has left me, I think there must an OW

[Annaliberataaa]

Hi all, long time lurker but first time poster here. I am in dire need of advice as I am really struggling to cope with my situation.

Two months ago DH told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage, that he hadn’t been happy in a long time and that he wanted to discuss separation. We have been married for 8 years, together for 16, two DC 8 yo and 12 yo. We are both 45.

That was news to me. I admit that our relationship hadn’t been great for a few years, I suppose a case of your regular drifting apart and neglecting each other that can happen when you have young kids. We never argued much, I feel like we just weren’t very involved in each other’s life IYSWIM. Our sex life was not the best either, although still good when we made an effort. I assumed it was just a rough patch and we were going to snap out of it eventually, as we did many times in the past. I thought that is what settled, long-term relationships look like once they move past the butterflies stage. Never in a million years I would have imagined that the situation was so bad that he would consider separating.

Since then we have been going around in circles, we had so many conversations about this. We’ve been on two counselling sessions but I don’t think they helped much. He just seems to be set on separating, he says he is not happy in the marriage and that he can’t do this any longer. In the last couple of days I finally accepted there is nothing else I can do to make him change his mind. We have started discussing the details of how to arrange shared custody of our DC and the property we own together (not the marital home) is going to go on the market soon. We agreed he’ll move out from the marital home after Easter, and we’ll tell the DC just before he moves out to minimize stress for them. I can’t even envision how hurt and confused they’ll feel when we tell them.

I am utterly devastated. I can’t comprehend how the man that I have been loving and that has loved me for nearly two decades could so suddenly decide to walk away from me and from our children. It makes no sense. I have crying myself to sleep for weeks now, I just can’ take this pain anymore. It is also so hard to put up a brave face for the DC and pretend all is ok.

I am convinced that there must be an OW, that is the only possible explanation for such a sudden change of heart. I have gone through his phone, his personal laptop, his work laptop, his bills, his bags, his coats, everything. I found nothing. He doesn’t go out after work often and when he does I always know who he is with and he comes back early anyway. I even considered following him or hiring a private investigator, but I realised that makes me sound like I am nuts.

I don’t know why I am even posting this. I guess I am hoping to get advice from someone who’s been there before? If you strongly suspected there was an OW, how did you find proof? I feel like I am becoming obsessed with this idea of the OW, I don’t know why. I just need to make sense of what is happening to me.

I just can’t accept how he could walk away from us so quickly without a second glance. I think my brain needs to find a logical explanation for this, even though there might not be one. My DC will be absolutely heartbroken, they adore him.

The initial Easter deadline was set because we were supposed to attend an extended family holiday over Easter. However, upon further discussion with DH, we decided it is best if I attend with the DC and he stays back. So he has now started looking for a place to rent and will most likely move out within the next few weeks.

This doesn't seem to be a sudden decision although, sounds like there have been issues for a while and you thought they were normal so they weren't addressed. Maybe he's just had enough.

If you go looking for trouble, you will either find or make it. That’s all fine and dandy if it was just you and him. But it’s not, there are children. As parents you should want them to come out of this unscathed. The best chance for that to happen is if their parents do everything to make things calm and amicable. This should be your focus.

The hunt for evidence of an affair is a best a distraction from that. At worst you ex could take serious offence at your intrusion or you could find out things you can’t cope with. The fall out would not just be for him and you, but for the children. It will make things difficult for them.

You know the why. What that led to could just be a need to leave or maybe, big maybe, to having an affair. But you know the why.

I do think it's strange for him to be so unwilling to work on it, sounds like he mentally seperated from you a long time ago.
You're right that marriages and relationships do have blips and phases where things aren't great, it's as normal as the good times. Could he have got fed up of constant low times and chatting it out not resolving anything?

I do feel sad when people split up during the small child phase, as it passes and you get time for each other again.

He is walking away from the marriage not the kids. And, if he is a decent dad, of course he will have a 2nd glance.

Its quick for you. But if he has been unhappy for a while, chances are that he has been thinking of it a while.

You said it's been like this for a good few years. I get that its shocked you, but a few years of that is long enough for someone to decide it isn't for them.

Sorry OP this must be so painful

If you haven't found any evidence of an OW in your searches so far, I would leave that avenue alone. All it's going to do is make you crazy.

When I left my H he absolutely convinced himself that I had another man. There MUST be! Because otherwise he would have to accept that I simply didn't love him any more, which meant there must be something WRONG with him.

There was no OM and in fact I didn't even consider dating until about 4 years after we split.

There was nothing wrong with him, and there's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes people just get to the end of loving each other. And it's better to pull the plug before getting to the resentful, openly contemptuous phase.

I am so sorry you are going through this, my STBXH left me 8 months ago after 11 years ago, he too said he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for 6 months (we had only been married a year) but he failed to ever tell me he was unhappy, even up until the day he left he professed his undying love for me and then got in to bed and said he wasn’t in love with me anymore. There may not be an OW, there wasn’t in my case but prepare yourself for him to move on quickly as it sounds like he mentally checked out the marriage a while ago which will enable him to move on quickly, mine is already with a new girlfriend.

It isn’t easy but I can promise you that it does get better and as time goes on you’ll reflect back and realise that you wasn’t as happy with settling as you thought you was.

You will make yourself unwell looking for an answer, sometimes the only closure we get is the closure we give ourselves.

You need to look after yourself and your DC and prioritise your needs and health. Lean on friends and family and remember it’s ok to feel how you’re feeling, you’re going through heartbreak and you’re not expected to be ok about it immediately xx

*after 11 years together (not ago) typo in my post above

@Anna, were there any changes in his behavior leading up to his bombshell?

He has announced that he is opting out of family life. You really do need to make him leave now, as your self-esteem is descending and will hit rock bottom as long as he is there. Your mental health is suffering, and it is damaging to the children to be in an environment where parents are pretending that all is well.

If you ask him to leave but he refuses, I would cease washing for him, running errands, etc. He needs to understand what his future will look like.

Your shock is still fresh and you are likely stuck in the denial stage of grief. Your anger (second stage) needs to be activated so that you can take control, make decisions, and move through the healing process. I too would work to find plausible answers, and that means trying to discover if there is someone else.

Discovery of an affair would enable your anger to surface, and blame could be put squarely where it belongs. If your husband is using “unhappiness “ as an way to avoid taking responsibility for an affair, you need to know.

I would keep investigating. If you’ve looked at his phone bills, search for a second phone. Hire a PI If necessary.

as a way