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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My parents

41 replies

Yogurtlover · 28/02/2019 11:25

Hello. I’m looking for a bit of advice as I have no one else I feel I can talk to. This might be a bit long, so I apologise in advance.

I’m 23, and towards the end of last year I split up from my husband as he was cheating on me. We got married young, I was 18, he 20. We had our own home, which I put £30,000 towards the deposit as I was very very lucky to be left that sum from my gran when she died.

I had to move back in with my mum and dad until such times as I was waiting on my house being sold or my ex buying me out.
We had it in writing that I put the £30,000 towards the deposit, so that would be paid back to me if anything should happen. Also there is £35,000 equity in the home, so I will get half of that too. Ex is actually giving me £20,000 of the equity, and there will be no problem with me getting my deposit back too. So I am in a very lucky position for wanting to buy a home of my own.

The problem I am having is with my parents. They are alcoholics. I hate living with them, and I think this is one of the reason why I left home so early and got married so young.

Since I have moved in with them, they are badgering me for money constantly, the house is a complete state and they have no issue in expecting me to clean up after them. I pay them rent of £600 per month, and buy my own food, but they still want more money from me during the month for their drink and cigarettes. I walk out with £1300 per month, so once I’ve paid my rent money to them, my food, my travel expenses, Mobile and gym membership I’m finding the majority of the money I’ve got left is going to them and I never get the money back.

Last week, I got note that my ex had sold the house, and the new owners and moving in at the beginning of April, so I will be getting my part of the equity and my deposit back. I didn’t tell my mum and dad this but they have found out and are constantly asking me for money to do up their house (they won’t do up the house they will spend it on drink and cigarettes). I keep ignoring them as I need that money to put towards buying a property of my own.
This morning, my mum has come into my room with my bank statement which arrived and she has opened it, and seen I have almost £5000 savings and is again badgering me for money.

I just dont know what to do. I had a shit childhood and I’m just trying to get myself a good life and my mum and dad just seem to try to destroy it all the time.

When I split up from my husband I got myself a 2nd job at night in a pub to help me with money so I could put it by and also so I could meet new people, get me out the house etc. My dad turned up at the job saying it was to make sure I was okay, but would end up staying in the pub, sitting at the bar, drinking, and whenever any guy spoke to me would start on them, in the end I had to leave.

So now I’m sat in tears Wondering what to do. Would I be stupid to just start looking at flats for myself just now, and when it’s time for me to move in just leave and not tell my parents where I am? The only thing I have with that is they might turn up at my work and cause me hassle.

Please someone give me some advise, I don’t know who to talk to or what to do.

OP posts:
frenchonion · 28/02/2019 11:28

Find somewhere to rent short term. I think you need to get out of this toxic environment.

PlinkPlink · 28/02/2019 11:49

Get away from them.

Get away as soon as you can.

You poor thing. They will do a bloody good job of trying to guilt you into helping them. Don't. No reasonable parent opens their adult child's post and demands money from them because they've seen their savings account.

How bloody awful!!

As PP said - toxic. Leave while you can. Go NC for a bit if you must. Get your house and live your life without the worry of your parents.

They sound like they would suck everything from you - not just money.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/02/2019 13:03

Please get out of there.
£600 a month is a lot for a lodger - which is bascially what you are.
There must be other places you could go and be a lodger for the same money.
They do NOT have your best interests at heart here.
Only their own.
Just get out ASAP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2019 13:14

You need to move out and asap, start looking for a rental place. You had a shit childhood at their hands (unsurprisingly) and now your early adulthood will be as bad as long as you remain under their roof (and within their power and control). They will bleed you dry and not just financially either.

They do not have your best interests at heart and are in this for their own selves only.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2019 13:15

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward also.

It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

Coronapop · 28/02/2019 13:19

Move out, surely you can find somewhere to rent that is within your means? It doesn't really make sense that you chose to move in with them rather than finding your own place.

Supersoaker10 · 28/02/2019 13:32

You sound like a really nice person, sorry you are having to go through this. I'd move out ASAP, even a little 1 bed flat till your money comes through.

Supersoaker10 · 28/02/2019 13:34

And inform your manager at work just in case they do.

squeefy · 28/02/2019 13:41

you could rent a room for less than that and be independant! get out of there lovely. dont tell parents your plan on moving out.....just go one day. theyre toxic and will suck from you your money and your sanity. i used to pay stupid "rent" to parents at your age. opened up my eyes to be a student and being financially better off (yes really i was!!!!). funnily enough they wern`t supportive of me moving away.....no more money from me thats why! they will bleed you dry in every way possible.

ElspethFlashman · 28/02/2019 13:42

RUN.

Get a house share. Pronto.

LiveThisLife · 28/02/2019 13:46

You can be a temporary lodger somewhere for less than what you pay them. They see you as a meal ticket. Leave and don’t look back, rent when you’ve settled and then buy your own place.
You owe them nothing. Going NC is banded around a lot, but your life will be genuinely better off doing so, you sound lovey and all those things they are doing are wrong.

LiveThisLife · 28/02/2019 13:47

If you can move to a different area away from them all the better. You can leave tomorrow if you find a temporary lodging / flat share.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/02/2019 13:49

Move out ASAP! Rent a room somewhere if you have to

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/02/2019 13:55

Please move out and find somewhere to stay where you can relax and feel safe. You will be better of emotionally and financially. You need to look at limiting your contact with your parents so they don't suck the life out of you.

Lightofday · 28/02/2019 13:57

Go. They will never stop taking and the more you give, the more they will ask for. You are just making it clear that you will let them to exploit you. And they are the sort that will. These sort don't change and they don't stop.

Find a flatshare and go (spareroom site is good). Don't tell them until you have moved out (do it on a day they are away maybe). Make it clear that the reason you moved is because they are taking you for a mug and you are done with that and that they won't get another penny off you.

Tell any future managers of your worry about parents and if they show up at any future work again, tell them it isn't OK and they need to leave. If they don't, advise them the police will be called to escort them from the premises.

Be firm.

NWQM · 28/02/2019 13:58

Your Mum opening your bank statement needs to be the last straw. Start looking for both your next purchase and also someone where temporary to live. Take care of you:

thefirst48 · 28/02/2019 13:59

I would rent a room until you found a house you want to buy. Do you have any family or friends you could stay with for the time being?

lilabet2 · 28/02/2019 13:59

It will take a while to buy a new flat/house so if I was you I would rent a flat (or even enter a flatshare) by the end of the month.

I am older than you and back living with my parents. Although they are not alcoholics or smokers they are constantly asking for money (which I don't have- I'm in debt and having to use credit cards to pay for things) and it really sucks! You are in the privileged position of having the funds to just move out so I suggest you do that!

MrsMozartMkII · 28/02/2019 14:02

Move out soonest possible.

You don't need this shit in your life.

Original poster
Yogurtlover · 28/02/2019 14:15

Thank you very much for all your advice.

I think I will confide in my friends, they know I’m not close to my mum and dad and they know they drink, but they don’t know how bad things are.

I think you are right I will need to move out sooner rather than later, I’m just a bit wary of moving in with people I know, and as far as I have been led to believe if I rent somewhere, the minimum I can rent for is 6 months?? I will need to look into that.

I left home Earlier just to get out and I’m dreading going back. I’m going to have to speak to my boss as well as they have noticed I’ve not been myself lately, but they think it’s because I’ve split up from my husband as I’m still trying to deal with that too. I just don’t want to burden my bosses and my friends with my problems. I don’t want to be a burden.

You know how you sit and reflect on things, well that’s what Ive been doing today and I just feel as if I’ve been put in this earth as some sort of joke because of the way people have treated me....my parents, my ex, it’s just like I’m not good enough.

I wish my gran was here, she was my rock, she would never let me down.

OP posts:
Crockof · 28/02/2019 14:20

Honestly in your situation I'd rent a room

NWQM · 28/02/2019 14:23

It’s really not being a burden to talk to your friends and confide in them. I’m sure they would want to know:

Similarly it’s may be worth telling your boss that things aren’t working out isn’t your Mum and Dad. It’s also okay not to. They know something is up; they don’t necessarily have to know all of it. I was once told that I might want to wait and see how I felt before telling something as they can’t unknow but I might regret. Start with a friend / friends and see if it helps. Work just needs to know you are moving and it’s disruptive: Give you self a bit of time to decide if they need to know more.

In terms of renting 6 months is often the minimum but if you haven’t actually found anywhere to buy - and the money isn’t through anyway - it’s no time at all really.

Life is clearly tough but you sound as if you are resourceful.

Kismetjayn · 28/02/2019 14:27

I am your age, also terrible parents, also splitting up with STBX (though moved in & rented at 18, rather than getting married and buying a house, then had a baby...)

You can do great things. You really can! You're working two jobs, with enough money in the bank to put a deposit on a house. At our age that's amazing! Honestly, truly amazing. But you do need to get away from your parents.

It's not so much the way people treat you, but what you expect. Your parents were shit, so taught you that shitness was normal, so married someone shit. Happens all the time because how can you know what's right, when you've never seen it before?

You need to leave, and, ideally, get some counselling/therapy as that is what changed my life for the better. You have so much power, seize hold of it!

Ribbonsonabox · 28/02/2019 14:28

You could be a lodger somewhere? Then you wouldn't have to commit to 6 months.
Try the Spare Room site www.spareroom.co.uk
I was a lodger with someone I found on there for a while. It was a lovely place, just a room in a house a guy was renting out temporarily, and it was very cheap.

I'm so sorry your parents are treating you appallingly Cake

Musti · 28/02/2019 14:33

By the time you find somewhere to buy and the whole buying process will probably take 6 months. Don't stay with your parents, move out please. Around here you can rent a whole house for £600! Your parents would go through all your money, leave you penniless and would still be in the same position so do not give them anything. Theure already ripping you off by charging you £600 a month!!

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