Why won't people talk to me.

[IveGotAlpen]

Ive began noticing recently that people try their hardest to avoid me and I'm not sure why. Im a friendly person , always polite and say hello to people who I know vaguely from baby groups etc. I make an effort and I've been told I'm a nice person and easy to talk to. Since I had my baby though I've noticed other mums look really wary of me. If my toddler approaches another toddler the parent quickly pulls their child away but doesn't seem to with other children or toddlers . I had an incident today after my sons group where I bumped into another mum who went to the same group. I was ignored . I don't smell ( as far as I know ) and I know for definite I'm not trying too hard or being overbearing. Im just being polite and how I would expect to be treated.

It's making me really down and anxious that people think I'm strange or something. I'm not asking for anyone to be my best mate but I'd just like to at least be acknowledged when I say hello to someone.

It would probably help to say I do suffer quite bad mental health problems but no one would be able to tell ( my own family didn't know till I told them haha ) and I also look and dress alternatively. Is this why do you think ?

I get some people are shy and in their own world and anxious themselves but I am just asking for a hello or recognition when I see these people every week. Maybe I'm just not as approachable as I think ! Haha...

Any tips or thoughts would be appreciated and please go gentle on me this is making me so sad.

Aww no this is awful OP.. you sound lovely..

I also look and dress alternatively

This is the only thing I can think of....do you have flesh tunnels or anything? I find body modifications very hard to look at. (Wild stab in the dark)

Do you mean you said hello to the woman and she literally ignored you?

Have there been any issues with your toddler at nursery? Its only a thought. Just when you say they pull their children away from yours - could that be it?

Hi, I do have body modifications yes , a few tattoos and piercings. They are tasteful though ( I like to think :) ) and I do completely understand that they aren't everyone's cup of tea. I do often wonder if this if the problem. I think this could be the reason.

My toddler isn't yet at nursery he goes to a few groups , he's energetic yes but very sweet and wants to be everyone's friend. Just normal toddler stuff really.

Could your wee one have been 'naughty' and maybe it's that and not you? Like if its other playschool mums I mean...

Ime I was snubbed as I was an older dm with ds....

Hmm dunno then. Some ppl are just stuck up jerks.

I also think Mum's at nursery's and schools can be very cliquey. My youngest has just started reception and I don't know any of the mums from his class and they all sit in their little groups at parties. Thankfully I'm an old hand at all this so it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I wonder if, this is what's happening and due to your MH issues, its having more of a negative affect on you.

Sometimes things just don't mesh

Esp when you are struggling a bit with mental health issues it is easy to dwell / misinterpret / not shrug things off

Do you have friends outside of the baby stuff? I never got on with teh groups / coffee / play things and whathaveyou
I wasn't in a great place MH-wise and I don't really enjoy small talk and I was quite paranoid about stuff

Seeing friends from before ie proper/old friends not "mum friends" was something I found much easier

The whole baby scene isn't for everyone some people do find it unfriendly / out of comfort zone / weird etc

I'm sure it's nothing you're doing just a mismatch :)

@crappyday2018 I think the mental health issues could be highlighting the problem for me more I agree. I think because this situation is making me anxious I'm appearing unconfident or something . @BumbleBeee69 ThanKyou for your kind words

I know its easy to say but try not to dwell on it. Its clearly not anything you are doing, you sound like a lovely person. If people genuinely are ignoring you, then they are not worth knowing. I do think it may not be quite as bad as you think it is.
Are you getting help with your MH? Do you have support from friends/family?

@NothingOnTellyAgain I have very few close friend who live far away sadly. Most of our communication is phone based .

I think it could be a mis match. Thinking about it maybe I am reading things wrong like the scenario about bumping into someone I mentioned upthread. I don't know anymore , as it has happened so many times !

@crappyday2018 Thankyou for being so kind . I have the support of my partner. Aside that at the moment I don't have any outside help. I was discharged from a team last year. Maybe I should give them a call incase this spirals.

Hope the piercings and tats aren't on your face? It's likely to be an issue if they are. People like to make friends with other people who look like them. It's the herd instinct.

No advice but you sound so lovely and self aware.

It’s their loss

The toddler group thing is odd. Very cliquey. I joined one where a group of five women only talked amongst themselves - they'd been mates since ante natal class and only managed to meet up at this group since they'd returned to part time work, so they took the opportunity to catch up together rather than socialise widely. So, nothing personal. They were nice. Just had no interest in anyone else.

Do you have any relatives or a good friend or a partner who you could ask to honestly tell you what might be putting people off? For people to actively ignore you and refuse to acknowledge you when you say hello; well, that’s a bit more than people just not “meshing” with you and keeping a polite distance.

Yes, being “alternative” is going to put some people off if they assume you have particular interests or likes and dislikes that they don’t as a result; but unless we’re talking facial tattoos and hundreds of visible piercings then it really isn’t extreme to the extent that you’d be ostracised by everyone you meet.

I would so be your friend...I'm shy (and typically happy to be a loner) but i get where your coming from, in fact I had a similar experience today. I would be asking thousands of questions about your mods, I prefer alternative folks.

Are you quite young? I only ask because as an older mum I wouldn’t necessarily approach a “young” mum especially one with an alternative look - absolutely no judgment on you OP, but because I would feel I was far too old and boring for YOU to be interested in talking to me!
To put this into context, I am 41, 3 DC, typical blonde/size14/solicitor mum. I have only just started chatting to a young mum at one of my DC swimming lessons - she’s about 25, heavily tattooed, purple hair - and we’ve really got on the last few weeks! She probably judged me as I did her, but now we might actually become friends. Just an example!

Op you sound lovely and very individual. Mums at toddler groups and sch gates can be a strange brew. Don't worry or change anything about who you are or how you choose to express yourself and your personality. You will find your likeminded mums in time.

Keep busy, stay involved with your DC's activities and continue to participate, let the other mums get to know you over time. Don't worry and don't doubt yourself. x

Tattoos and piercings are hardly unusual these days

I wouldn't put it down to that

If it is, then they are weird and overly judgy

Which TBF can happen at baby stuff

Try some other groups, start afresh?

Are you being treated for MH I resisted for ages then got SSRI and they helped a lot

BTW I am better now and I notice that my default setting is don't give a shit, I think this is the difference, when you're feeling low and vulnerable, the opinions of people matter / or how they treat you that you wouldn't give toss about when feeling well. When you're feeling well the fact that you dont' get on with some people is fine.

The baby world thing is very odd as well I wouldn't have enjoyed / done it even if well TBH just not my thing.

What do you enjoy doing / did enjoy beofre DC? You don;t have to do the standard baby thing it doesnt' suit everyone

I haven't gelled very well with mums at my DDs school. I am 10- 15 years younger than they are. I don't find them very interesting or entertaining (the ones I've spoken to and tried to establish friendships with) and I'm sure the feeling is mutual!

I had a similar experience, OP.

I hated toddler groups and really struggled to go to them but I went to one and an equally alternative mum a similar age to me came over and said that she wanted to talk to me because I looked like the sort of person she'd have been friends with before she had a baby.

I knew exactly what she meant!!

Not helpful but I can empathise.

Sorry the school gate is just the same if not worse.