Why won't people talk to me.

[IveGotAlpen]

Ive began noticing recently that people try their hardest to avoid me and I'm not sure why. Im a friendly person , always polite and say hello to people who I know vaguely from baby groups etc. I make an effort and I've been told I'm a nice person and easy to talk to. Since I had my baby though I've noticed other mums look really wary of me. If my toddler approaches another toddler the parent quickly pulls their child away but doesn't seem to with other children or toddlers . I had an incident today after my sons group where I bumped into another mum who went to the same group. I was ignored . I don't smell ( as far as I know ) and I know for definite I'm not trying too hard or being overbearing. Im just being polite and how I would expect to be treated.

It's making me really down and anxious that people think I'm strange or something. I'm not asking for anyone to be my best mate but I'd just like to at least be acknowledged when I say hello to someone.

It would probably help to say I do suffer quite bad mental health problems but no one would be able to tell ( my own family didn't know till I told them haha ) and I also look and dress alternatively. Is this why do you think ?

I get some people are shy and in their own world and anxious themselves but I am just asking for a hello or recognition when I see these people every week. Maybe I'm just not as approachable as I think ! Haha...

Any tips or thoughts would be appreciated and please go gentle on me this is making me so sad.

@NothingOnTellyAgain yes that is what I thought about the tattoos and piercings. A lot of people have them now so they aren't really shocking anymore ! However, where I live I feel can be quite judgemental.

I'm not being treated for MH at the moment , I have to always steer away from anti depressants due to the MH I have. The best course of action for me is DBT/ therapy etc .

I totally agree that when you feel down and vulnerable you worry about what people think...I have often found myself ruminating about whether I said something wrong or did something 'weird' over and over. I am glad you feel great and I love the don't give a shit feeling but sadly that seems to have gone recently. I used to be so confident and didn't have these worries.

Me and the toddler go on lots of walks / feeding the ducks and things like that. We make use of the local library a lot for music and little things going on there. He does a lot of music based things (one of my interests too ) I guess I could stop going to the baby groups but I would feel guilty I guess as the little one loves other children. For him , I think I just need to stop letting this situation bother me. As I want what is best for him, I need to rise above these feelings.

I don't think it would be the way you look as I have tattoos and piercings and dress alternatively but have a few mum friends. There is one mum in a baby group I go to who completely blanks me and I'm not sure why. Never had a proper conversation with her so I don't think I've offended her!

It sounds like it's more their problem than yours! You sound lovely and I'd be happy to be your friend and have our babies play together xx

@Honeypickle I am in my late 20's!

See I think this is probably part of the problem as I will literally talk to anybody no matter your age or appearance , so I guess I expect the same back and then I have to realise that as humans we all judge each other from time to time , and that inevitably I will be judged about something or the other which either makes me approachable to someone or not.
I'm glad you made a new friend people can always take us by surprise and that's refreshing :)

Being an anxious person myself I really empathise with you OP.

I love tattoos and piercings and they are so common place nowadays I can't think that they would put people off of talking to you. So I don't think you should be concerned about your appearance. You are just an entitled as everyone else to wear and be who you want to be, and that is the best person you can be.

Have you tried going to a toddler group or course at your local children's centre?

My locally children's centre used to run toddler groups at their centre, and also in other church halls etc. locally, and I found those groups the best for having an emphasis on the kids, with less expectation for the adults to make proper conversation if they didn't want to. I thought the whole adult social situation was a lot less pressured and it enabled me to have a light hearted chit chat with other parents if I wanted to, or just say hi and stay focused on one of my DCs if I wasn't feeling up to it. It helped me to understand that if I was feeling like that other people might be to, so if someone said hi one week and not the next, I would try not to overthink about it.
Equally there were always staff from the Children's centre there who in my experience where always absolutely lovely and chatty, and I found this really nice to just have a 2 minute chit chat as I got into the hall, then focus on one of my DCs for the rest of the session. The staff were also very helpful in introducing you to people if you were keen on that which sometimes broke the ice and was helpful.

My DCs have outgrown toddler groups now, but I treat all child related social activities i.e. swimming club, dance class, nursery drop off and pick up, school drop off and pick up as more of a transaction now, so that I don't over think the social aspect of it, and don't put pressure on myself to be overly sociable or expect anyone to be overly sociable towards me. I find then that if I do end up having a chat with someone it's a bonus, and if not I haven't lost anything.

Maybe instigate conversation. Do you smile and say hello first? Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. I would talk to the wall and found mother and baby groups daunting. Some people are already in cliques but I'll bet some are looking for adult company and just dying to talk to someone. Sit back and watch and see who may be receptive to you. Baby groups are just a reflection of other groups in society. Some people can be a PITA others can be lovely. Hope it works out. FWIW I met a lovely bunch of mums after a while in my local group and I'm still good friends with them several years later. It took a while and I attended every group going. Best of luck.

@Missnearlyvintage Thankyou for all the advice :) , I will definitely look up a children's centre they sound good and what I am looking for .

I wish I'd met you at baby groups OP.

I don't dress alternatively anymore but I do have tattoos and into heavy metal etc.. and I'd love to meet someone of similar tastes at baby groups. I live in quite a middle class area so most of the mums in the groups I attend are older than me (I'm early thirties but I am on DC 3), and pretty cliquey. Caught a couple of them looking disdainfully at my tattoos and one literally sneered when I told her what music I listen to.

It's probably the alternative thing. That'd be the thing that'd make me want to be your friend though- I'd know I'd found a kindred spirit even though I'm not dressed that way.

I have been perpetually snubbed as I'm a young mum. I heard later it was due to the other mums thinking I would think them 'boring'.

Honestly, I love sewing, reading and playing board games. I'm very dull. So with none my own age at the groups, any peers outside of that thinking I am too boring, and other mums assuming they would be too boring for me, it was a very lonely period of my life.

@SpeedyBojangles

I once had a woman tut at me and recoil in horror... ' SHE shops in Waitrose ' at me , thinking I couldn't hear. You have to laugh 😆 her husband told her off !!

Haha, oh yes, I've had the Waitrose experience too

I used to get tutted at all the time when my son was a baby and I was walking round with him in a sling whilst I had a mohawk.

I'm at the other end of parenting now and he's at university.

I still never cracked the 'mum friends' thing, but all his student mates think I'm really cool...

I personally never gelled with my older dds friends parents at all. I very soon established that some of them just weren’t very nice. I had a totally different experience with younger dds friends parents. Its just like that sometimes and it doesn’t have to even be about you. It’s sometimes just them.

Hi op, I'm out the other side now but I have 2dc, 8 and 16 and with the youngest I found children's centre based groups were great.

I ended up going to a 6 week stay and play and at the end of it a group of us mums set up our own playgroup there with the support of the centre. We were the most mis matched group you could imagine!

There was the single, older mum in her 40's, loads of new younger mums and me in my early thirties. We were all so different but I think that's why it worked.

Once all of the dc started nurseries the group folded but most of us still stay in touch, despite most dc attending different schools in several different areas. It's about finding your tribe.

I too have MH issues that nobody would know about and lots of other mums did too. Those groups and weird friendships were my saviour back then and i think you just need to remain true to yourself, be assured that you indeed are a nice person and everything will work out fine. Good luck lovely

Thanks for all the kind replies , they have all made me feel a lot better. I'm feeling a bit more positive about it all today.

@IveGotAlpen glad you're feeling better. Just carry on being the fab mum you are and try not to waste any energy on awful people.

When you say hello to people and they ignore you simply say 'manners cost nothing' as it is a reflection on their manners as an adult. I was always brought up to be polite, say yes and no thank you, Say please, and acknowledge people when you are spoken to. Irrelevant if you like the person or not...if they say hello you say hello back. Leave it at that and go about your business. It's ignorant when people just look and don't answer. You dress alternatively so what! good on you for having your own unique style. As for mothers pulling their children away from your little one you could try going up and asking why they do this but maintain a calm tone of voice, as is easy to get defensive when it involves our DC! As they say, "you take the child by the hand but the mother by the heart!"
Others maybe bit standoffish because maybe they don't know you; have you tried starting a conversation with any of the other mothers? Are you involved in any of parent groups other mothers go to? Perhaps ask if there is a toddler mother group and see what it's like! If you have tried convo starter - then wouldn't waste my time as you've given benefit of the doubt. I'd just make sure all my own business was attended to and be on my way. Don't give rise to any rumour mill or whispering or funny looks. You know how you are and if people don't have the decency to acknowledge you when you say 'hello' then it says more about them than it does about you.

@SoThisHappened; you got 'tutted' at walking round waitrose!? WTF! Who do people think they are!?FFS!
Love the fact you had a mohawk!!!
THAT IS JUST SO COOL!