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Original poster

OLD - do I tell him to back off politely and if so, how ?

32 replies

ceecee32 · 27/02/2019 20:46

Hi all - first date last Saturday. Met some others OLD but knew straight away that they weren't for me.
This one was nice enough, time passed by really quickly and we had a good time. I was happy to arrange to meet him again this upcoming Saturday.
BUT, and I dont know whether AIBU now. Every morning I get a text to say good morning, and he rings me every night. I know for some people that might be nice but its getting to be too much for me. I have said that he doesnt need to speak to me every day but he says that he wants to.
He wanted to meet on Friday and Sunday as well as Saturday but I have already said that I want to take it slowly.
I am going away for the weekend in May with 2 female friends - he has already commented that he wont see me for 2 weekends on the run as he is going on holiday to Spain ..... this is in fucking May !! I have only met him once

I dont know whether its me that is scared to get involved after being massively hurt by my ex - but its too much too soon for me.

I dont want to not see him as there could be potential for something more but how do I tell him to back off a bit without sounding a bitch.

OP posts:
something2say · 27/02/2019 20:58

Hiya,
Why don't you show him? Maybe reply less and later, and then next time you see him explain why.
But if he doesn't back off, it's not a good sign. I'm like you, how can you go from nothing to everything overnight?!

OdeToDiazepam · 27/02/2019 20:59

Just either take a while to reply or say you're busy and he'll get the message

That's the non confrontational way

Or do what I do and just say that you need a bit of space

TheStoic · 27/02/2019 21:00

“I feel like we have some real potential, but this level of contact is too much for me. Would you be OK with us slowing right down? If not, we may just not be looking for the same thing right now.”

mummmy2017 · 27/02/2019 21:03

Just don't answer the phone .
And next morning just say hi. You n answer to his text
If he asks where you were just say busy. Sorry.
If he demands to know more at this stage, it would worry me, as your stranger still.

Dieu · 27/02/2019 21:12

Hi. I've been in this situation too. Nice but needy bloke, who wanted too much phone contact. Not for me, especially at first. It smacks of their need, rather than it being all about you. And I'd wonder if he was being like this because it was me he really liked/wanted, or if he's just so keen on the idea of a relationship, that he'd be like this with anyone!
Please also be aware that his level of keenness cannot be sustained, and is absolutely no indication of his future feelings. When a guy is very intense at the start, they can actually end up backing off rather quickly. A slow burner is honestly the best way.
The last thing I would say to you is pay attention to how he reacts to your boundaries, ie if he continues to contact you excessively, or back down. A man who doesn't respect your feelings and boundaries really isn't worth being with.
Good luck!

MumsyJ · 27/02/2019 21:25

Hmmmm that's a bit full on for just one date at this stage. The problem is, if you take a while to reply, he probably will be bugging you with in between texts asking of you're ok WTF I'd flip!

Just tell him gently face to face on your next date. Jeez he's super keen. Poor you OP, you must have made a lasting impression on Mr lover lover Wink .

Original poster
ceecee32 · 27/02/2019 21:27

Thank you. Yes I get the impression that he is just keen on having a relationship, I am beginning to question whether I really need a man in my life. I thought I did but I am not prepared to give up my social life.
He wants a photo of me for his phone so that he can show people how lovely I am..... I'm really not-just average and overweight.
There needs to be a conversation I think, or he will be gone which will be a shame as one of the first things we agreed on was that if there was no romance we might just find a new friend.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 27/02/2019 21:28

Major red flags. I'd cut your losses now. Just tell him it isn't working for you.

pictish · 27/02/2019 21:32

I’d be wary of his ‘fast forwarding’. He seems keen to push this relationship on, all the contact and the mention of the weekends in May. He barely knows you...how on earth can he make predictions for May?
I’m with you on this one...it looks like it doesn’t matter who you are but what you represent. A. Girlfriend.

Notcoolmum · 27/02/2019 21:33

Ooh blimey. I’m normally the other way, staring at my phone hoping a message will appear, but this sounds like too much even for me. And a photo for his phone after one date?!

NotANotMan · 27/02/2019 21:37

Why are you thinking about trying to squeeze a relationship out of someone who is already clearly showing they aren't right for you? Just because you liked him more than the other guys you have met really doesn't mean you need to keep seeing him.

FairyMoppings · 27/02/2019 21:46

A pic for his phone?!Eek... yep too much. Far too intense after just one date. Sounds like he thinks you're already in a committed relationship with each other!

I think you need to be blunt and very much to the point with someone like this, as I think polite hints will be ignored.

And keep an eye on his behaviour. I was stalked and harassed by a guy I met OLD after similar intensity very quickly. I found it incredibly suffocatingand alarming and dumped him after just 3 weeks, as trying to be polite went over his head

RagingWhoreBag · 27/02/2019 21:53

He sounds a bit much!

I had one like this once - I just said I found it a bit too intense, he was the first person I heard from in the morning and the last at night, and we hadn’t even met in person at this point.

He replied that he totally understood and that he’d cool it off, which made me actually think more of him and respect him for respecting my boundaries. And he did. The next contact was from me saying hi to him and after that he kept it more casual. We both ended up dating other people but do keep in touch sporadically as I think he’s just a funny guy. Had he been a dick about it I’d have blocked and moved on.

LuluBellaBlue · 27/02/2019 22:05

Another one to say, been there and done it with this level of contact. Have hoped so many times they would change / listen / back off a bit - never happened Hmm
He’s showing you who he is.
Is this really they type of man you want to be with???

Original poster
ceecee32 · 28/02/2019 06:06

Thinking thus morning that I might text him and say that I will meet him Saturday as arranged, that I will contact him to confirm on the day and that I am busy till then.
It must be bothering me to post on here.

OP posts:
SamStephens · 28/02/2019 06:15

Yeah he sounds a bit too keen, I’d keep your guard up on that front and limit your interaction in the hopes he gets the hint to dial it back.

I had a guy from OLD who was similar. Although oddly on one date he went on about not knowing if he was ready for a relationship for ages and I was like that’s fine, I was a year out of being separated from my exH and still legally married so I was just testing the waters. He was a stage 5 clinger, would call me non stop and I screened his calls to give him the hint. Then one night I ordered takeaway and got a call from a local number I didn’t recognise, thought it was the takeout place nope it was him. He’d gone to a friends house to use their landline to call me. Was all upset and “if you’ve met someone else just tell me” like Jesus Christ! This was after maybe knowing each other for two weeks and having two maybe three dates.. safe to say I ditched him real quick.

Luckily not long after I met my now DH. So it worked out well.

mondaysaturday · 28/02/2019 06:44

Trust your gut, OP. If a man's behaviour is making you uncomfortable, it's for a reason. Healthy, well adjusted men do not dive into this level of intensity with a woman they barely know.

OKhitmewithit · 28/02/2019 06:50

Frankly, it’s weird. I’d run. Having been mildly stalked, I’d be out now.

NameChangeNugget · 28/02/2019 07:01

He sounds way too much. I’d have to cancel Sunday as well.

Original poster
ceecee32 · 28/02/2019 07:45

I've sent a text. Said that twice daily contact was too much far too soon. Said I would still meet Saturday but will be in touch to confirm
If he contacts me before then I won't be going at weekend.
I'm not really sure that I should have agreed to meet again because he is only really a distraction to finally get my ex out of my system. So, boundaries firmly in place 😊

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 28/02/2019 07:51

Whilst my jury is out as to whether you should still be seeing him on Saturday if he makes you this uncomfortable early on @ceecee32 it could be a blessing in disguise.

Obviously you’ll go out, have some time together and then go home to your separate places. Might be worth getting in quick with a follow up text that evening/next morning saying “hi, thanks for coming out last night - whilst it was fun I know I’m not in the right headspace for a relationship right now so thought I’d let you know sooner rather than later. Good luck for the future and I wish you well”

Lozzerbmc · 28/02/2019 08:11

Agree this is a major red flag, too needy, could possibly be controlling. Its making you anxious and you’ve only had one date. I would let him go politely

MissBehaving1000 · 28/02/2019 08:27

I was dating a guy like this recently. Didn't last long.

From very early on he was full on with messages, and would comment if it had taken me ages to reply/I'd read his but not replied etc.

I felt slightly uneasy about it and explained it wasn't really me messaging all the time and I wasn't glued to my phone.

We met up quite a lot and spent extended time together, got on well in person etc but something just didn't sit right with me on the messages.

So I mentioned it again and got arsey replies resulting in a personal scathing attack. So I finished it.

Lesson learnt is to always trust my gut, and if something doesn't feel right - no matter how small it seems - then it probably isn't.

coffeechoc · 28/02/2019 08:29

Big red flags here, I'd run a mile after meeting his once?!! Why is he assuming you'll be in contact in May, I find it cringeworthy he is asking for a photo for his phone Shock go with your gut, don't feel pressured into anything

Original poster
ceecee32 · 04/03/2019 10:44

Well I met him for the second time.
He hadnt contacted me in the meantime as I had asked him not too. I told him that he had gone into full boyfriend/girlfriend mode when we had only met one and he agreed. He is new to OLD though and I think I am the first person I have met.

He said that he understood that the amount of contact was too much for me and says that he will be in touch maybe a couple of times in the next week.

BUT, he is still talking about what will happen in May when we both go on holiday - he even mentioned that he will come to a reunion next year !!

He is a nice bloke, we get on well. I would like to see him for a few nights out but I think that if it carries on it will be harder to get out of .

OP posts:
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