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Original poster

Stbexw wants to stay friends when we go our separate ways

41 replies

Andyjakeydan · 27/02/2019 17:55

She’s having an affair which is why i’m divorcing her but she wants us to stay friends after we split for our 12yo daughters sake...after how she’s rubbed my nose in her affair by going off to hotels with him while i babysit i don’t think i can possibly stay friends with her and i’ve told her i never want to see her face or hear her voice again after we finally part(i can communicate with my daughter without her mum being involved)....what do you think,am i wrong in never wanting to see stbexw again?

OP posts:

Qhub · 27/02/2019 18:06

You will probably just get loads of replies about your use of the word babysit but I say babysit to refer to the fact that I am in watching my own children.

YANBU to not want to see her again. Logistically it is quite hard. I will never go to school plays, parties, graduations or weddings. But I would rather not than have to see him. Most things you can only get 2 tix for in any case so if he is taking his girlfriend I can't go. Weddings I think it would make a mockery of marriage having us there at all. I don't go to weddings normally so I don't feel I am missing out but if you are the sort of person who goes to that sort of thing you might feel really sad on the day. People will also tell you your daughter might want you there but divorced parents at weddings sounds like a total nightmare and she might be relieved.

noego · 27/02/2019 18:07

No!! Friends do not do what she has done to you.

Singlenotsingle · 27/02/2019 18:08

She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 27/02/2019 18:11

Well now we all know why she had the affair...

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 27/02/2019 18:12

No. Friends do not betray each other. Maybe you can make an effort to be civil for your DD’s sake, but it sounds as though she’s old enough to see you without handover. Just make sure you are there for DD.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 27/02/2019 18:12

Obvious YANBU to not want to be friends but you have to be the gracious one here for your daughters sake. Don’t punish her for your wife’s terrible behaviour

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 27/02/2019 18:13

Nope. I'd tell her I am willing to be civil for your DD's sake but that there will be no friendship or seeing her again.

JassyRadlett · 27/02/2019 18:14

Well now we all know why she had the affair...

Oh please. Total bollocks. Don’t be an apologist for cheating.

NoCauseRebel · 27/02/2019 18:15

There needs to be middle ground here.

You’re absolutely not wrong to not want to remain friends after you split, but you have a child together. Thinking that it’s ok to do all your communicating through a twelve year old is not the answer either and puts a lot of responsibility on your DD for the way your relationship with her mum has turned out.

Given you have a child together it is inevitable that you will need some communication between you, and for the sake of your daughter it is preferable that this communication is amicable, even if you can’t bring yourself to be friends.

What are the current arrangements re contact for instance? How far apart are you going to live and who is going to be responsible for your DD getting between houses? Also, things like maintenance need to be taken into account for your DD, how are you planning to work that out?

My DC are mid teens now and the vast majority of contact happens between them and their dad. But at twelve we reached points of them e.g. not wanting to go to his, not wanting to go on family holidays with them, not having a decent relationship with his partner etc and it would have been entirely unreasonable to expect that they be able to navigate that on their own as twelve year olds.

Like it or not, the fact you have a child together means that this isn’t a relationship you can just walk away from without a backward glance.

morallowground · 27/02/2019 18:17

You don’t babysit your own child.
If you don’t want to be friends then don’t but don’t trash talk her to your daughter or make it obvious to your daughter as it’s not fair to put her in the middle.
You’re going to have to communicate about some things like it or not so blanking her and never speaking to her isn’t going to work really if you’re wanting to put your dd first, even if it’s just by email or text.

Btw my ex had an affair and despite the fact I can’t stand him I talk to him about the kids as it’s important and in their best interests whether I like it or not.

ElspethFlashman · 27/02/2019 18:21

I think it's probably too heavy to leave all communication to a 12 year old. And when she becomes a wildly hormonal teenager you may find she becomes less communicative than you would like. You may be glad to have the option of asking her mum "how has she been this week at home?"

That is very different from being friends though. Friends chit chat about random things - there is simply no need for such a relationship here.

But you could say "communication is always open but about DD only."

ItsInTheSpoon · 27/02/2019 18:22

Speaking from my own experience I don’t think a friendship can survive some sorts of behaviour and you don’t have to feel you must stay friends because your ex says so.

However, I think it is possible to be polite (for the sake of your child, to sort out necessary arrangements) without any more warmth than that. I think it isn’t right to expect your child to be a sort of go-between so you can avoid speaking to your ex totally.

Original poster

Andyjakeydan · 27/02/2019 18:24

I won’t be using my daughter to communicate with the estranged wife,i’ll speak to my daughter everyday i imagine on whatsap etc etc so i can arrange me picking her up and dropping her off when i have her and any other things i need to go to ...i know i’ll have to see stbexw occasionally but i don’t want to

OP posts:

Godowneasy · 27/02/2019 18:24

In my view it's ridulous for you to say you never want to see or hear from her again! You have a child together! It's totally unrealistic (at least for the foreseeable future) to actually be friends, but you certainly need to find a way to be civil to each other and to speak and see each other if neccessary, and regarding issues to do with your daughter,
Your daughter is 12 and is likely going to be very upset about the changes in her life as a result of the separation in the coming years. Do you really want to make it considerably worse for her by your attitudes towards her mother?
You're the adult, and you have it within your power to make it better or worse for your daughter. Would you really choose to make it worse for her?
You must be (understandably) really hurting etc at the moment, but this will get better for you in time. There is life and happiness beyond divorce.

ElspethFlashman · 27/02/2019 18:30

Well of course you don't want to. Who would??!

But keep your powder dry. Play the long game. I guarantee there will be some glitch in the game. Your DD will say "Yes, Tuesday then next thing there will be a" Mum says I can't go Tuesday"

What do you do then? Pepper her with questions about what's going on and what's the problem with Tuesday and when are you going to see her next? That's too stressful for a kid.

Original poster

Andyjakeydan · 27/02/2019 18:30

Thanks for the replies......i shall take onboard everything thats been said

OP posts:

juneau · 27/02/2019 18:33

You don't have to be friends, but it's unrealistic to think that you can go through the rest of your life without having to talk to you ex. It's fine to say that you don't want to be 'friends' though, whatever the fuck that means. You're co-parents, you will need to communicate, but you can do that via text or email if you find that easier. You can't put your DD in the middle of your communications though - whatever your ex has done to you that's not fair. Be an adult, be civil, but you definitely don't have to be friends.

pointythings · 27/02/2019 19:00

juneau puts it perfectly. You don't have to be friends but you do have to be decent, grown-up co-parents. That goes for both of you.

SandyY2K · 27/02/2019 20:46

Tell her you don't want a friendship with her and communication will only be about issues relating to the welfare of DD.

If I recall rightly your DD wasn't interested in meeting the OM was she? I recall your STBXW wanted them to meet and was trying to bribe her to go to NY.

She wants to ease her conscience.

Original poster

Andyjakeydan · 27/02/2019 21:11

Hi Sandy....i can’t see DD going to new york with her mum and him seeing as she doesn’t want to meet him .....she actually saw them sat in stbex’s car a couple of weeks ago near our house and she stormed off into the house....
I’m taking dd to disneyland florida in may for aweek instead

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 27/02/2019 22:51

Is your DD going to live with your stbxw and the OM when you divorce?
Is there anyway that she could stay with you? or at least 50;50 as l can't imagine she will be very happy there with the lovebirds. Your x hasn;'t shown much consideration to your DD why will that change now?
At 12 she should be asked about what she wants to happen within reason.
I can't see you having a friendship given all that has passed between you and your XW but you can be civil on changeover days - just talking about issues relevant to DD.

CheshireChat · 27/02/2019 23:05

Clearly there's a massive backstory (not surprising really), but imagine if you have a disagreement with your ex, do you really think it would be fair to put your DD in the middle?

Also what happens if you need to discuss things about parenting that your DD shouldn't hear?

Obviously, you can refuse to engage in chit chat or anything that's not related to your kid as you don't owe your ex anything.

Original poster

Andyjakeydan · 28/02/2019 06:21

Well yes on issues concerning dd i’ll have to talk to the stbx,dd will live with her mum i’d have thought but if decides to live with me then thats fine...everything is amicable at the moment,the three of us went out for a curry the other night...all very normal really( but i do worry that its sending mixed messages to dd)
Its hard to know what to do for the best.
I don’t trash stbex to dd as when dd is a few years older she’ll know for herself what has happend

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 28/02/2019 06:37

Hi op I've been there and am now out the other side. At this moment though you will not be able to envisage being friends and that's fine. One day though you won't feel a thing and that's when it gets a lot easier.

Ds is 16 this weekend. His dad and I split when he was just turned 2, lots of cheating and emotional abuse and we had a very comfortable lifestyle and left with just our clothes and started again.
The first two years were pretty nasty to be honest. He seemingly hated the fact that we had started afresh and were doing well. He went from relationship to relationship and moved houses more times than I can remember. The anger/sadness etc that I felt in those early days soon went and I felt absolutely nothing!

Fast forward to now, 14 years on.
He is married ( and miserable ) and has a toddler. He has it all on paper I suppose but never looks happy. We go to parents evenings together, have done all of the school things and Holy Communion as a family and I tolerate him at best.
He thinks we're great friends. I've never forgotten how much of a shit he was at the time but I've made my peace with it and moved on with my life.
Ds doesn't know the full story but I will tell him if he asks when a bit older. We are so close and he's an amazing kid.

Keep your head held high, always remember the only link you have is your daughter and that she is the most important thing. You will have to be part of her life for a good few years yet unfortunately.
Be the best dad you can ( you sound great ) and remember that this is her loss.
You will be fine

Original poster

Andyjakeydan · 28/02/2019 06:56

Zoflorabore i hope i can be as strong as you have been,sounds like you’ve done brilliantly.
This is all going to be a massive life change for the 3 three of us.

OP posts:

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