Stbexw wants to stay friends when we go our separate ways

[Andyjakeydan]

She’s having an affair which is why i’m divorcing her but she wants us to stay friends after we split for our 12yo daughters sake...after how she’s rubbed my nose in her affair by going off to hotels with him while i babysit i don’t think i can possibly stay friends with her and i’ve told her i never want to see her face or hear her voice again after we finally part(i can communicate with my daughter without her mum being involved)....what do you think,am i wrong in never wanting to see stbexw again?

Is you ex going to be living alone with your dd?

You don't have to be friends but you do have to be civil for your DD's sake. There won't be many occasions when you will have to see each other, and they won't be until further down the line when things will hopefully be less raw, but if you can get through it, it will mean a lot to your DD. I'm talking about things like her graduation, wedding, and if she has children, christenings and birthday parties.

"People will also tell you your daughter might want you there but divorced parents at weddings sounds like a total nightmare and she might be relieved."
This is nonsense. Most people who get married want both their parents there (unless they are estranged or abusive). Plenty of people have divorced/separated parents at their weddings and it's fine.

Anyway, that's much further down the line and I don't think it's worth ruling out or worrying about now.

Friends - no, but keeping the lines of communication open for coparenting will be best for you dc. Don't get into the situation my dh has with his parents where only one can ever be invited to key events because the same suburb is too close! Your child didn't do anything wrong.

You need to arrive at an outcome of indifference to your ex, rather than hatred (or similar). That may take time - and is for your benefit as well as the situation as a whole.

Kids hold on to the prospect of a reconciliation longer than the parents. But that will also pass.

So, not friends, but not enemies either. Businesslike? Some parents find email communication works OK if kept polite, factual, etc.

Good luck.

I agree, you dint need to be friends but nothing stopping you being civil and polite.

Such a difficult position for you, your relationship has gone, you have to try and have a co parenting relationship with her now so your daughter can look back on this time in her life and it not be horrific for her. It’s hard to keep emotions at bay when you’ve been betrayed, there’s a really good website called ‘voices in the middle’ google it and you’ll find some good stuff in their to help you all. Good luck

It's natural to feel very hurt now and to not want to see her, I felt like this about my ex when he dumped me when I was ill.
It's fine not to see her or talk to her for the moment however time really does heal and let's face it you are better off out of this relationship as it sounded toxic.
However, to say you will never see or speak to the mother of your daughter again isn't practical, you will need to have some kind of working relationship with her to discuss your daughters needs at some point as she is only 12 and has years left at school and maybe university and your daughter may want to talk about her mum and home life.
It will take time but don't let bitterness take you over. It took me about three years before I was ready to have my exH in my house and have a chat over coffee but it happened. Bitterness just made me ill, and after three years I had made a new life for myself so don't rule out being civil and being able to talk.
For now no because you are hurting but time heals all things.

My DF had an affair and left for (and remains) with his now wife. That was 45 years ago and my DM reacts like it happened yesterday. She’s still angry with him and they have been at war all my life. I can’t tell you how damaging that’s been for me and my siblings. It’s had s terrible effect on our relationship with DF and we barely see him.
What your your STBEW has done is a terrible betrayal but for your DD’s sake think about whether you could not be friends exactly but at least be kind and civil.
PS My DM went on to meet and marry someone amazing but she’s still annoyed at DF all these years later. For your own sake and DD’s don’t waste your life doing that.

Being "friends" is unrealistic and your ex is living in fantasy land if she expects it. Insist that you need time to "sort your head out" and that friends don't treat each other like this (which is also something mild enough to say to your DD).
Having one channel of communication available for discussion of contact and other info about your DD (some of which you both may not want to go through her, eg mental health issues).
I would also recommend getting your DD some outside counselling, maybe through school. Talking to someone outside her parents could help her sort out her conflicted feelings.

Long term hopefully you can reach a point where you can be polite at events like weddings and graduations but that means you having space to grieve your relationship and move on.

But people often ask to "be friends" to assuage their own guilt

It’s better to be civil and “friends” for your DD’s sake. I speak as a child of divorced parents who refuse to have contact. It spoils important events like graduations and weddings etc because I have to choose one parent. Moving forward there are things like their grandchild’s 1st birthday and christening that will also be spoiled. When I was ill in hospital my father refused to come because my mother was there. When one of them is babysitting my DS they refuse to hand him over to the other one. If anything happens to either of them it’s all on my shoulders, I can’t rely on the other one for support. Even on an everyday basis, if one of them has popped in and the other knocks at my door it puts me in an awful situation because I have to send away the parent at the door, or if I need that parent for something I have to kick out the one who’s inside.

I’m not saying you have to be close friends. But for your DD you do need to be civil and willing to be friendly in the same room when necessary. Your paths are going to cross regularly and if you can’t be friends it’s your DD who gets the shitty end of the stick.

Friends no,
polite yes.

EG "My grandma has died and I'd like DS to come to the funeral"
"It's easter half term, can I please have DS for one of the weeks, let me know which dates are best so I can book them off work"
"My sister is getting married on X date, she'd like DS to come, I can pick him up and collect him for the 8hr round trip "

It's great that you can contact your DD directly. We didn't have smart phones back in the day! I used to ring the landline and would have to make polite small talk with my ex before he would let me speak to DS.

I've been going through the same. Her relationship with OM didn't take long to break down 🙄

It's been over 12 months. I'm not and won't be friends. I'm civil, and very indifferent about her and she knows this. I keep comms to SMS only. No. WhatsApp, as I don't want her to see when I've read her texts, or when I'm online. I've blocked her on all social media.

I'll let XW know (for now) what DD8 has been up to, but not much detail. Just enough that she'll talk to DD about it, as it benefits DD talking about everything that's going on in her life.

I attend school plays, sports days, etc. And there is an infrequent handover where I see XW. But that's it, and there's no other contact beyond that.

My now ex DH said when we first split that he wanted us to stay friends (for the children!) and when we were both with new people, go out for dinner and stuff. I was horrified! Still am! He has met my new BF a handful of times - just because bf happened to be at my house when ex turned up unannounced - but I have absolutely no desire to meet exH new fiancee let alone be chatty and friendly with her! My self confidence isn't that strong and I would feel completely inadequate with meeting the woman who has made Ex happy when I couldn't. Its probably unreasonable of me and makes me sound very pathetic and needy even though I have no romantic or loving feelings for my ex and dont want to spend any time with him that isn't for the benefit of our kids.

Civil yes, friends no. Just tell her you don’t want to be her friend and will communicate only about your child

Thanks everyone for the advice...there’s a fair bit to think over....In all honesty i’ll probably still be friendly to her what ever,i say things to her like i’m never going anywhere with you again then the next day i’ll go somewhere with her....

I have 2 ex h, and i couldnt be friends with them, although i dot see the first ex, and have not for a lot of years, i would be civil if i ever saw him,
My second ex, has been at my sons weddings with his new wife, and i have spoken to him and her
Strangely its second ex es wife who doesnt like him talking to me
I recently broke up with someone and i just cant speak to him as he hurt me a lot by the way we split, silent treatment kind of thing,no explanation, and now he wants to be friends, no i just cant
I think your stbx is feeling guilty and thinks being friends will ease your pain, no it wont,just be there for your DD and she is all that matters
Your DD sounds as if she doesnt like exw new man, so i cant see that lasting if she cares about her DD
I wish you well , take care ,