Come and talk to me about a 15 year age gap...

[SaveItForTheBirds]

I think I need you lovely lot to come and give my head a wobble...

I've been in a really good relationship for the last 10 months. We have an awful lot in common, enjoy the same things, have loads of fun together. We're also on the same page about loads of other stuff - for example, we are both separated and have children of similar ages and we're both very definite about not wanting to move in together/blend our families any time in the foreseeable. We're both quite fiercely independent and enjoy our own space so from that point of view, we're a really good match. I absolutely adore him and as far as I can tell, he feels exactly the same way about me. In so many ways, I couldn't be happier.

So... why am I so hung up on the age gap? I'm 41, he's 56 and although it's never ever a problem when we're together in terms of the things we enjoy doing, it's often in the back of my head as a potential problem in the future. He's a very healthy and young looking 56 and particularly because he had his children quite late in life, most people think he's younger than he is. I've tried to figure out why it bothers me but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Can anyone with a similar age gap offer any advice?

Unless you are thinking about having kids with him (no way will he want to run about after a teen in his 70s xD) i can't see any real problems. Mind you, he may become infirm before you n then you'd end up his carer rather than his partner. But that'd be a while off anyways.

My dh is 56 I'm 31. At the moment it doesn't feel like a major age gap. I'm sure it will at some point in the future such as in 14 years time I'll be 45 and he'll be 70 but I chose to go down this route with my eyes open and expect there to be care requirements and widowed young. Hard yep but preferable to me than someone my age and feel like their mother which is how I felt previously.

Definitely no more children! I do worry about the health aspect but it's one of those things that you just can't control - any of us could get ill at any time so I probably need to stop worrying about it.

Thanks Byebye
I think I'm just massively overthinking an unknowable future. Possibly it's because it all just seems too good to be true?

My DP is 15 years older than me. We couldn’t be happier. I’d be lying if I said the gap never crosses my mind, but only in a ‘God if he dies first I’m going to be devastated’ kind of way, which would actually be the case whatever his age.

I hate it when people start going on about ending up a carer. Wouldn’t anyone do that for a loved one? And it’ll be less physically taxing for someone in their 60s to be a carer than, say, someone in their 80s.

Just go for it.

Go for it.

I agree with loftie about the diatribe that gets rolled out about being a carer. It could happen to anyone.

Enjoy each other’s company and have fun, you sound very suited

Yes, becoming one's partner's carer could happen to anyone, but the chances of it happening increase when one's partner is significantly older.

I was married for 15 years to a woman who was 15 years my elder. The carer scenario honestly never crossed my mind and the age gap did not bother me at all. My wife however felt insecure about it and was extremely jealous to the extent that nowadays it would be deemed a controlling and coercive relationship. The marriage floundered because of her attitude - not her age.

I was kinda hoping u had a toyboy when i saw the subject. Never mind. Please OP just go for it and be happy. Even if he was 25 and you 50 or vice versa, grab love when u can. Xxxxx

I'm 45, DH is 71 so to me 15 years is nothing. We've been together over 15 years.

The only thing that slightly rankles is that he's retired and I work full time, and he misses me so wants to spend our free time together, whereas I have to fit in the rest of my life as well as him in my free time.

You sound very happy and on the same page with your OH.

I don't see age gap to be an issue. My exH was 14 years older, never looked his age. Current partner is 10 years older, which I don't see it as anything.

Enjoy each other's company, let the future take care of itself. Just as PP said it's the " I don't know what I'd do with myself if he dies before me" then again, death doesn't discriminate against age.

I'm 31 DH is 50; he's my chosen person

We do t want kids which makes it easier.i come from utterly shit genes so I figured there was no point giving up an incredible man when I'm unlikely to make old bones anyway. Joking aside, I try not to think about it TBH.

I don’t see any problem with it !! Stop thinking about it and just enjoy it!!

Same here I’m 40 he is 58 we get married in 8 weeks . Yes agreed I think about the future but anything could happen to either of us . He is a fab step dad to my two who are young at 8 and 5 . I say just go with it sounds like your happy

I’m ten years younger than my husband and have health problems, he (touch wood) has none. Bad health can happen to anyone. You sound really compatible, the fact that you don’t notice the age difference says it all. You’re clearly on the same wavelength so enjoy. Happiness comes in all different forms.

I'm afraid i am going to be tbe voice of doom. Bizzarely both DH's parents ended up with 15 year age gaps with their new partners. 40&55 = no problem. 60 vs 75 is much less fun and 70 and 85 is just miserable. One set also had a child so have a not great 73 yo (stroke, heart attack) who needs care, full time work and a 17 year old aged 58- no thanks

15 years is nothing. Personally I have no problem with age gaps of any sort, so long as both people are adults and single. What matters is compatibility, love, kindness, fairness, equality, shared values etc. You could be far more mismatched with someone your age.

Aw you've all made me feel much better (except voice of doom hopefulhalf! )
I'm overthinking aren't I?

I think part of the issue is that we've both had successful careers but whereas mine is still on the up, he's talking about retiring in 4-5 years which I just find mind blowing. But... Maybe he can just be a man of leisure and cook my tea for me!

Why is it that the woman is so often the younger one rather than the man?

It would make me worry what qualities they are looking for going forward?

DH is fab but retirement hasn't made him enjoy domestic duties any more than before. Be warned!

How old are his children?

Hubby and I have been together 10 years and have an 18 year gap. He's 51 and I'm 33. We have two children now; a one year old and a seven year old. The age gap has only brought us positives so far. I don't know what I'd do without him!

another20 His children are 10 and 6. Mine are 10 and 8 so from that point of view we're in the same place.
Ilovepinkroses I can only speak for myself but the age was irrelevant when we got together, we just had loads in common and had a lot of fun together. I think the fact that neither of us want more children or are looking for step parents for our children probably helps with the easiness of our relationship

Why did his marriage breakdown and how long has he been separated?

His wife left him about 3 years ago for somebody else. He's divorced now. I already knew him at this point, so I have no concerns about any of that. He was single up until the point we got together.

Poor man. Must be heartbreaking to wait so long for children and for your family to fall apart when your youngest is just a toddler.