Male co worker too close to wife ???

[hotfrog]

Hi all :)

Just after a bit of advice really from the fine people on this site.

The crux of it is that my wife has is friends with a male co worker and I am really struggling to accept this.

To give you all a bit of background, we have been married for over 15 years have one child and on a whole all is good. We have had our ups and downs like most marriages but nothing too bad.

My wife has always really had males friends and often worked in lets say male orientated environments so often formed close relationships with a her male counterparts. To be fair I have always had a bit of a issue with this and its sparked a few arguments over the years. As she seems to be the only female in the group when they go for a works night out and so on.

Recently however after moving to a new job around 12 months ago she has formed a friendship with a another male co worker but this one seems to bother me more than most. As he tends to msg her on a night after working hours. Nothing too bad and she never hides anything from me however just work related banter but I think this is pretty inappropriate as he is married with two small children.

We have spoken about how i feel about this but always seems to end up with me having the issue and she does not seems to think there is anything in it one way or another. Dont get me wrong I trust my wife but I know men and any sniff of attention can lead them down the path ( I dont speak for all men or myself ).

Having thought about the topic in depth over the last few months I feel one of the issues is there is a lack of intimacy on her part towards me which I thinks is hurting my self esteem. I am very loving and like to cuddle, kiss and tell her I love her all the time however this is not reciprocated. She spends more time with this man than me.

last weekend herself and her co workers was going on a night out where she was going to be the only female. I had a bit of an issue with this and explained I would never go out with a bunch of females by myself but again she did not see any problem in this. She eventually asked if would like to go and I accepted and met these male co workers and one whom she seems closest too.

So to finish, I am not sure if it is the lack of intimacy that is making me feel vulnerable or that her and this male co worker are getting a bit to close for comfort.

At this stage I am tired of trying to be the better man and thinking its all me and giving her love and attention when I very rarely get anything back in.

I am adopting a new approach this week with positive been the main goal as well as not pandering to her in a effort to " make her love me more" who knows,

Any advise is greatly appreciated :)

If she hides nothing from you and the messages are fine then you need to stop being jealous.
It's more than reasonable for a female to have a male friend and vice versa.
However, the lack of intimacy is having an affect on you.
Do you talk to her about this?
Would she agree to some couples counselling?
You need to work on your relationship.
It does not sound fulfilling for you at all.
Is he open to sit down and talk this through properly, i.e. how you are feeling the relationship you have!

My ex had a massive issue with me working in a predominantly male environment. He said it wasn’t me that he didn’t trust, ‘it’s them’.

We got divorced. I couldn’t be intimate with someone who thought so little of me. We had been married for 12 years, I had never even come close to cheating.

I have now married a lovely man who isn’t obsessed by what sex my colleagues are.

Sorry, anyone who says variations of "I know how men think" to justify shutting down their partners interactions raises a massive red flag to me.

Many workplaces are male dominated so this of itself shouldn’t mean a huge amount - imagine if she was excluded, that would be blatant sexism. I work in a mostly female industry. On one occasion at lunch with about 14 people someone started teasing the only bloke present - to that point no one had noticed he was, everyone had just continued with normal conversation. He laughed and said “I can handle it” without a hint of inappropriateness, and lunch continued as normal.

The point is some people are able to behave like responsible professionals and on the assumption that you consider your wife to be one, you should stop getting so lamely jealous.

@hotfrog, how often do they message after working hours?

You either trust your wife or you don't. If you don't trust her then there's no relationship.

personally I'd have left you ages ago with your behaviour

She isn't hiding the messages from you. You said yourself there is nothing inappropriate in them.

She invited you along to the works do that she was going to, so you could meet them all.

She isn't hiding anything. She has a professional career and it involves working with men. Would you prefer her to be cloistered in a nunnery? She'll see men on the way to work. In shops. On the street. In the blooming library!

You sound extremely jealous.

You are the one with issues here and you are about to torpedo your own marriage if you don't get over it.

Have you thought that her lack of intimacy may be down to your lack of trust and constant insinuation about this guy, the other guys she works with and 'how men think'?

That's a pretty obnoxious thing to say and would turn me right off someone.

Being married to you sounds suffocating. What a childish conversation to keep bringing up over many years. Your poor wife continually having to explain herself for no reason at all.

You are jealous. Deal with it.

Is she in the emergency services?

The lack of intimacy, and your wife working in a male dominated environment, are (and should be) two separate things. One doesn't cause the other.

Don't get me wrong, I trust my wife - you write that but you clearly don't. You paint a picture of yourself as jealous and insecure, and neither are attractive qualities.

I was married to a woman who was your female equivalent. I left her - but not for any of the woman with whom I worked; I left because her lack of trust destroyed our relationship. I was not involved on any level with a third party. It sounds to me as though your wife is being driven in the same direction that I was.

@hotfrog your wife sounds quite a lot like me! I've always worked in male environments and it's a standing joke at home (and at work) that I have "work husbands". The only difference is I don't go on nights out. I have previously travelled extensively with male colleagues. My partner is not at all jealous and doesn't give it a second thought.
It's s tough one but I think your bigger issue is the lack of intimacy. I don't think backing off is the way forward. Set time aside for just being a couple-even if it's a couple of hours in the pub with no phones!!
We spend more waking hours with our work colleagues than our families so it's only natural that close friendships can develop.
Hope you can work it out xx

It depends on the trust that you have between you. I have always tended to have platonic male friends around and it didn't bother my husband at all because he trusted me. I too worked in an all male environment.
Do you have reason to not trust her?
I have a 20 year friendship with my friends husband and we phone and text all of the time, nobody is bothered.
You should be careful about jealousy as it really can destroy a relationship very thoroughly.
Yes there is always the possibility that something 'could' happen but being jealous never stopped that, being a good, kind and loving husband should be all that she needs.

You sound like the problem, OP. I’d be incredibly pissed off if my DH ever questioned my motives when going out (that’s actually what you’re doing, because if you trusted your wife, it wouldn’t matter what her male colleagues tried to do with her) especially as I have way more male friends than I do female and he has never had a problem with me going out with them - even when one of them confessed they had feelings for me - my DH trusts me and this didn’t mean I was going to go of and have a passionate affair!

I agree with others, you sound suffocating and insecure. Do you have a social life yourself? Maybe you should give your DW a break and set her free.

If this colleague was female then I suspect you wouldn't have problem with texts outside of working hours? The issue is yours.

There is nothing in her behaviour to suggest that anything untoward is going on with him and she appears to be doing all she can to make you more comfortable.

Is the lack of intimacy a new thing or have you always been more tactile?

I think it’s a bit mean that you expect her not to have close friendships just because she I married and has little opportunity to form friendships with women. I would be quite hurt if my husband treated me this way.

The lack of intanacy is a separate issue which you need to discuss and attempt to resolve.

The hit to your self esteem as a result is a desperate issue yet again. Your self esteem is your responsibility. Don’t blame your wife for your own weak character and don’t take your inadequacies on her.

I could not be dealing with this shit. OP you are being ridiculous. She is allowed to have friends. I work in a very male environment too and as a result have mostly male friends. I have never had any sort of inappropriate interaction with any of them. I have 5 amazing men in my life but only one of them is my partner and he has nothing to worry about. I get that you feel insecure but that isn't her fault and you can't expect her not to have friendships because of that. That would be paranoid and controlling behaviour and you WILL drive her away doing it.

@hotfrog, could you please give more details regarding how often they message after hours and the duration?

You are diminishing her by having this attitude OP. Give her credit. The constant harping on will be like a dripping tap scouring away at your marriage. You say you trust her but you do not. If you are serious and you want your marriage to continue you have to have more respect for her than this.

If it was your wife posting that her DH was texting after hours with a female colleague, he was witholding/not reciprocating intimatcy with her and was spending more time with the woman at work than her she would be hearing loud crys of LTB! Especially of she had tried to raise how she felt with her DH and he had shut her down the way you say your DW has.
Now while I do agree with PP's that there are parts of your OP that come across as insecure, this could be down to you spending months trying to get a positive emotional response from your DW and hitting a brick wall. Regardless of that fact I think that your DW should take your feelings into account when you tell her how you feel about this particular Co worker of hers. As you said in your OP it's not her spending time with male colleagues that is the issue, it's her friendship with this particular male colleague.
I think you should try and talk to her again, point out how the lack of intimacy and emotional reciprocation is affecting you. Your feelings matter as much as hers do, I hope you manage to work things out.

She spends more time with this man than me.

In my opinion, it is inappropriate for a married woman to frequently spend time messaging with a particular male colleague at night. You have a niggle about them and you should listen to it.

It is troubling that your DW is creating emotional distance between you by failing to reciprocate your affection. This distance is widened when she refuses to show care and respect when you express your discomfort with the messaging.

You say that they engage in work banter, which seems innocuous. However, they are likely building emotional intimacy even with such interaction, especially after being with each other all day and on nights out.

It sounds like they are having an emotional affair. She has withdrawn from you and is no longer interested in having emotional or sexual intimacy. She is taking time away from you in the evening and giving it to this OM. She will not stop their cozy night time messaging out of respect for you.

It matters not that she shows you these messages and that you have met OM. Plenty of people have affairs in plain sight.

You seem very understanding and I get the feeling you wouldn't be too concerned if there was some intimacy in your own relationship.

Definately talk with her seriously about the lack of intimacy. If there was a lack of intimacy in my relationship I might feel a bit insecure of he was around other females all day.

Luckily they don't employ women where DH works. Apparently its too demanding!

Hi OP, there probably is nothing in it with the co-worker. But if you were a woman posting the same thing the advice on here would be to "trust your instinct"

My ex was like you. He used to whine that I was too busy getting dressed up and putting makeup on for the men at work to be intimate with him. He is an ex.

What choice does she have? She is the only female in a male dominated environment. So you are isolating her by saying you cant have friends who are men. You would drive me crazy if I was married to you! Why don’t you get a hobby or something?