Male co worker too close to wife ???

[hotfrog]

Hi all :)

Just after a bit of advice really from the fine people on this site.

The crux of it is that my wife has is friends with a male co worker and I am really struggling to accept this.

To give you all a bit of background, we have been married for over 15 years have one child and on a whole all is good. We have had our ups and downs like most marriages but nothing too bad.

My wife has always really had males friends and often worked in lets say male orientated environments so often formed close relationships with a her male counterparts. To be fair I have always had a bit of a issue with this and its sparked a few arguments over the years. As she seems to be the only female in the group when they go for a works night out and so on.

Recently however after moving to a new job around 12 months ago she has formed a friendship with a another male co worker but this one seems to bother me more than most. As he tends to msg her on a night after working hours. Nothing too bad and she never hides anything from me however just work related banter but I think this is pretty inappropriate as he is married with two small children.

We have spoken about how i feel about this but always seems to end up with me having the issue and she does not seems to think there is anything in it one way or another. Dont get me wrong I trust my wife but I know men and any sniff of attention can lead them down the path ( I dont speak for all men or myself ).

Having thought about the topic in depth over the last few months I feel one of the issues is there is a lack of intimacy on her part towards me which I thinks is hurting my self esteem. I am very loving and like to cuddle, kiss and tell her I love her all the time however this is not reciprocated. She spends more time with this man than me.

last weekend herself and her co workers was going on a night out where she was going to be the only female. I had a bit of an issue with this and explained I would never go out with a bunch of females by myself but again she did not see any problem in this. She eventually asked if would like to go and I accepted and met these male co workers and one whom she seems closest too.

So to finish, I am not sure if it is the lack of intimacy that is making me feel vulnerable or that her and this male co worker are getting a bit to close for comfort.

At this stage I am tired of trying to be the better man and thinking its all me and giving her love and attention when I very rarely get anything back in.

I am adopting a new approach this week with positive been the main goal as well as not pandering to her in a effort to " make her love me more" who knows,

Any advise is greatly appreciated :)

Why don't you join them? Or are you also the fun police?
Does dw answer your texts, how often do you send them and why?

So because she married you she should change her career to one better suited to a woman, surrounded by women, not socialise with her work mates, and no one is allowed to message her outside of work hours? Get a grip.
She probably doesn't want to be intimate with you because you're behaving like an insecure, controlling tool who whines until he has to be invited along on her nights out. You will look stupid and they will all know why you're there.
I'm sure a supportive and trusting partner, who is proud of her for working hard in a male dominated field, would bring some intimacy back in to the relationship.

Wow. So many times this exact scenario has been ran with sexes reversed and the advice couldn't be different.

Where is the whole advice to keep an eye out and to make sure there aren't any deleted messages etc?

You’re the one with the issue because somewhere subconsciously you think women are sex objects first and people second. I had a boyfriend who thought like you about male friends and coworkers - I dumped him and kept the male friends. I would say exactly the same to a woman if she posted this scenario about her husband, and have done just that on previous threads where the genders are reversed

I read the OP and thought that if the M/F roles were reversed, we'd be giving different advice!

Personally, I don't think the male co-worker should be regularly contacting your wife after hours. That seems inappropriate to me.

I hope you can work it out together.

If this was a woman complaining about her husband getting late night texts from a female colleague, I can bet loads of people would be saying to keep an eye on it!
I can understand why you’re a bit insecure, the fact she doesn’t hide messages from you etc is a good sign though. I think that the intimacy is the deeper issue and she should make more time and effort. You need to have a proper talk about what is lacking in the relationship.

Would she let you come along sometimes when they go out? I do think it is unfair if someone is spending more time with colleagues and not including their partner at least occasionally.

What are the messages. Is it standard work chat (I'm similar to your wife) e.g
Have you prepped for x meeting tomorrow.
Or the boiler guy is coming so I won't be in till 9.30 can you tell so and so.
We have a work WhatsApp group 5 men, in the only girl.
But the chat is very basic - ie traffic jam related or if the server is down or say when my colleagues mum had a stroke so he wouldn't be in the next day.
My husband knows but hasn't given it a second thought.

If it's stuff like that then no drama.

It's two separate issues almost. The lack of intimacy needs to be dealt with in some way. This might start with a conversation saying you are not happy and hope she acknowledges this in some way and a plan can be put in place.
Agree with PPs regarding the texting. If he's asking your DW to get there half an hour early cos the boiler man is coming is different to asking her to wear a low cut top. Context is everything.

I think she should cut down the messaging in the late times

She probably doesn’t mean anything by it but yes it’s not thoughtful to your relationship and yes I would have a problem
With my husband being that close to a female worker messaging her about random things till late after work

I think you've received some pretty harsh replies on here op.
Luckily some more sensible people have come along to give you some support and advice.
I also agree that it is inappropriate to be messaging male colleagues in the evening, as I assume there has been quite a few and it would be hard to believe these are all work related.
You've openly admitted to having jealousy issues and whilst these are yours to deal with, the support form your wife would go a long way to help this.
She clearly doesn't show your relationship any respect and usually in a well balanced relationship you treat each other with respect, love and kindness. I can't see from your post she is giving you any of those things. Now it is possible that you have created some of this by being jealous of her previous relationships, but it won't change if neither of you change your viewpoint.
She can't change her colleagues, you will just have to suck that up, but she could invite you out on some of the work nights (as she did do, without you having to make a fuss to get an invite)
I think you need to formulate a plan moving forward that is acceptable to you, and discuss it with her. If she isn't prepared to accept it or you can't come to a compromise together then unfortunately I see this relationship as being dead in the water.