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Original poster

No longer invited to dad and wife's home

37 replies

BonnieBea · 26/02/2019 22:25

Wondering if i've caused the problems and how to fix them? and, am I being irrational, too childish or too sensitive?

I'm turning 32 at the weekend and was upset to find out my older sister and her daughter have been invited to my dad's house whom he shares with his wife next week. I'm upset as I'd love to be able to spend quality time with my dad and be invited to stay with him and his wife but I am no longer invited as my dad's wife does not like me.

Around 3 years ago when I was last staying at my dad's home with my sister my mum happened to phone their house phone and my dad's wife who has issues with my mum said to me I would no longer be invited to their house. I have not seen my dad's wife since. There was no argument or anything insulting said on this phone call. My mum had phoned their landline as was wondering when me and my sister were coming back as she couldn't get through on our mobiles (signal problem). I didn't believe there was any problem until my dad's wife starting arguing with me (my sister and dad were getting coffees/at the loo) saying that I would no longer be invited to stay. I thought the couple of days had gone well and we had all enjoyed it so this came as a shock. My dad's wife has caused arguments a number of times and I can't retaliate or defend myself as just get upset and cry. My dad doesn't say anything and stays silent.

To give a little more info surrounding this my mum and dad no longer talk since they divorced when I was in my early twenties. My dad has not always been honest with the truth surrounding his relationship and life with his wife. They moved in his retirement to live closer to her 2 older grown up children 130 miles away. I see my dad 3/4 times a year but I always feel it is rushed as she no longer meets me and she is often waiting to meet my dad after he has seen me.

Me and my dad had a close relationship when I was younger and the fact his wife has issues with me and I no longer see him much or am invited to his home I find really heart-breaking. My dad also has a difficult relationship with my younger brother and they haven’t seen each other for approx 8 years. I have tried to explain my feelings and build a better relationship. I spoke to my dad’s wife on the phone to try and understand her issues with me and resolve them but she is very head strong and takes the impression I have not tried and I am not pleasant and friendly to her.

Things were difficult to begin with as my mum and brother were struggling and living in a cold, old rented cottage with little money and my dad had just bought a large house with his wife. When they lived closer to us I used to go for meals etc but although I would agree I've never been over the top friendly I certainly was never rude or uncivil and always thought I was polite. I want my dad to me happy but I am upset it has torn our family apart and my sister is now angry with me I have made it an issue she is going to stay with them. I would love to build a better relationship with my dad and even see his wife again. My dad seems to live a different life now and I can't seem to forget and move on with my life without thinking about him and what has happened.

OP posts:
CoolJule43 · 26/02/2019 22:58

Could you perhaps put your feelings into writing and send a letter addressed to them both explaining that you'd like to develop a closer relationship with them?

fearfullotsofthetime · 26/02/2019 23:05

This happened to me! I decided he didn’t deserve me and walked away! I’m happier for it!

EKGEMS · 27/02/2019 02:13

Your stepmother is a cunt and your father is a spineless weasel to allow her to treat you that way. He's no father of the year. Your sister needs to get over herself and support you instead of looking for what's easiest for her to experience

ColeHawlins · 27/02/2019 02:17

She couldn't do this if he stood up to her and insisted on his children being welcome in their home. He's equally responsible. Unfortunately he's not unusual.

I don't see how you are responsible at all. You need to draw your boundaries and protect yourself.

VioletBedframe · 27/02/2019 02:23

Why does he say nothing? Is he afraid of her?

Janedoe5000 · 27/02/2019 02:37

Your Dad's wife sounds like a nasty piece of your work and your Dad rrally needs to have a look at himself in the mirror.

To ruin a relationship with his daughter at the instruction of his new woman is pretty disgusting.

Your older sister doesn't sound much better either. She's prepared to play happy families whilst you are left out in the cold?

What is WRONG with them? This isn't reasonable behaviour.

Seniorschoolmum · 27/02/2019 02:52

It sounds like your df & dsm have been together for 10 years so like it or not, they seem a fairly solid couple.
You don’t want to lose your relationship with your dad and I’m sure he doesn’t want to lose you so could you invite them both to spend a weekend with you? It might be easier to restart the relationship if you are on home ground.
Or try what cooljule said.

Once she has calmed down, what is your sister’s view? Does she get on with your stepmum ok, or does she grit her teeth so she can spend time with your dad?

Northernparent68 · 27/02/2019 07:23

In your position I would try to analyse why your father’s wife is upset, it seems to be your mother calling her landline. Why did your mother call the landline, for what purpose ? why did nt she text you, and what did she say when she rang.

ShatnersWig · 27/02/2019 08:35

This is your dad. Who wont stick up for you with his bitch of a wife. I wouldn't want a dad who does that. Sorry, as far as I'm concerned I'd cut him out. That may sound harsh but you'd do that with a friend who treated you like shit on your shoe. Sod the "but he's my dad" - that's the point. He's more than a friend, so why the fuck put up with it from family.

Sarahjconnor · 27/02/2019 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonTT · 27/02/2019 08:48

It is impossible to even start to repair your relationship with her until you know why she is upset with you. This needs to come from her and not be your interpretation. Then you can decide if it is fair. But you will also need to address your feelings towards her and your father.

The issue that seems to be bubbling away below the surface is the disparity in the homes your parents lived in after divorce. Plus that he moved away as part of his retirement. There is resentment towards them, not him !, and I am not sure you are hiding it. Btw, she was free to buy and move to anyhouse she wanted without your input or consent. Him, not so or at least not so much.

You and she argue. This can only be a dynamic that you both contribute to. Maybe that’s just how you both are. But arguements can be avoided, even when someone is trying to pick one. You are both engaging and both walking onto the battlefield at the same time.

Tbh, your mothers call was out of order unless an absolute emergency. I expect the backstory to this weighed heavily into why you and she argued. It is this backstory that will explain the house ban. I expect she seen it as an unwelcome intrusion / breach of trust that you invited and defended.

They are a family unit and it is their joint home. She has a say in who comes into it. Personally I think it is wrong to treat people this way without great cause. But she has gone low or no contact with you in the same way people do with in laws. Without knowing her rationale it is difficult to say if it is unreasonable. From what you say it is. But, I think there is a lot you are not saying and indeed not seeing about your feelings and behaviour towards them and her.

OKBobble · 27/02/2019 09:16

Have you always called her your Dad's wife rather than your Step Mum? To me that is quite telling as it seems quite hostile.

The relationship between your mum and dad now seems hostile too and perhaps your mum calling their landline when she never has contact has been taken as an open act of hostility in which you were complicit.

It is possible that your stepmum is posting on here too along the lines of my DSD is openly hostile to me and despite the fact that her parents split years ago she seems to hold a grudge against me and appears jealous of my relationship with her dad. I suspect his ex with whom he has an acrimonious relationship has poisoned her against me. She tries to meet her dad and exclude me. It has gotten too much for us but thankfully my DH is very supportive

May this ring any bells at all?

Nc1548 · 27/02/2019 09:28

@okbobble, that's horrible. Is there really a reason to harm a father's relationship with his children? Is excluding your own child from your home being supportive? They hardly see each other enough for it to be a hardship for the stepmother.
If the call was for the daughters why is the stepmother getting upset about it anyway? Sounds awfully unhinged and controlling to me if this is all there is to it.

SureTry · 27/02/2019 09:28

I don't think there is anything wrong with referring to her as her Dad's wife. She was in her early twenties when her mum and dad divorced, she's had no parenting from her, she probably just calls her by her name.

ShatnersWig · 27/02/2019 09:45

@OKBobble give your head a wobble

OKBobble · 27/02/2019 10:18

Wobbled my head as suggested bit still come up with this.

So first I am being told she is a child and then its ok to say Dad's wife because she was an adult when they got together. I was merely saying there seemed to be some hostility and if the OP'S mother's hostility has influenced OP perhaps and spilled into the home life for the dad and his wife it may have some bearing on why she is being excluded. Her Dad's day to day life is with his wife. There is no getting round that. Unfortunate as it is for his grown up children his wife is now an integral part of the relationship with their Dad especially when they live at a distance and any contact would include an overnight visit. Obviously if they lived nearby meeting Dad for coffee, a meal etc without his wife would be a way forward.

Read what I am actually saying rather than going down she must be a wicked stepmother route. Maybe she is or maybe she doesn't have to be belittled or treated with hostility in her own home. Maybe its somewhere in the middle.

Sometimes unless it is pointed out people don't realise they may have inadvertently fed into a situation.

If the OP reads my post and says thatbis not the case here then so be it. However she may read and say oops yes perhaps I have been a bit guilty of that. That is for her to decide ...

DonPablo · 27/02/2019 10:27

Er, I call my dads girlfriend his girlfriend and have done for the almost 20 years they've been together. She's not my step mum. My mum and dad split up when I was an older teenager.

Anyway, your dad is the problem. If he wanted a proper raltionship with you, he'd be trying to sort this out. Therefore you've got to ask yourself why he's not. Is because he's not that bothered about having a relationship with you? Because he's scared of his wife?

You can't second guess this-you need to ask him directly.

OKBobble · 27/02/2019 10:45

A gf isn't a step mum though she is a gf.

I refer to my step mum by her name or as my stepmum even though I was an adult when they married. My kids call her granny though and that is our choice as we have welcomed her into the family. I merely suggested that the tone auggested perhaps OP had not. I appreciate everyone has a different set up and dynamic and that is what needed examining.

DonPablo · 27/02/2019 11:52

You're like a dog with a bone over this-I admire your tenacity!

But if they'd have married, she'd have been called my dads wife. I think the idea that a parent remarries and the new partner becomes a step mum or step dad is quite old fashioned. And for adults whose parents remarry it's also a bit odd.

Giraffesinscarves · 27/02/2019 11:58

Did you give your mum the landline number when they asked you not too?

I think there is a massive backstory to this that would explain a lot.

LimpidPools · 27/02/2019 12:08

OKBobble my father's wife is about 2 years older than me. Funnily enough, I don't refer to her as my stepmum Confused

That really doesn't indicate anything at all.

SandyY2K · 27/02/2019 14:26

Nothing wrong in saying dad's wife.

Sadly it seems some men are unable to stand up to their wives and allow their child to be ousted from their home.

Tactfulish · 27/02/2019 14:27

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 27/02/2019 14:31

This happened to me also.

My father lacks a backbone. I'm NC - my life is less stressful for sure.

HappySonHappyMum · 27/02/2019 15:22

You can be as reasonable as you want - but in this type of relationship both your Dad and his wife have got to want your relationship with them to improve and from experience I can't see that happening. Your Dad has no backbone (exactly like mine) and will go along with his wife, you can keep trying of course but in the end it will become too painful to keep fighting for. With my Dad I hope she dies first - I might get my Dad back then Sad

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