Wow, just replying as just finished my shift and I’m so grateful for everyone who has contributed to this discussion. It means so much to hear all these points of view.
To address some points;
I have spoken openly with my dad (in person and via email) but it seems he feels powerless to help make things better i.e. to help my relationship with his wife. I feel it has developed and grown progressively worse the longer we no longer see each other. I never wanted it to develop into not seeing each other. It seemed one day she just didn’t come to meet me with my dad and now my dad and his wife see my sister separately when it used to be together. I felt I offered an olive branch some years ago as I was desperate to resolve the issues and I spoke to my dad’s wife on the phone to try and understand how she felt but I was saddened by how defensive she was to me. I was upset as usual and it caused me a lot more heartache.
It has made me question who I am as a person and how people view me. I am well aware I’m not perfect but I would describe myself as pretty sensitive, I play the mediator as much as possible and certainly try and avoid hostility and arguments as generally I am rubbish at arguing and just burst into tears.
In response to why my dad doesn’t say anything. My mum and his wife are very head strong woman. His character is the complete opposite. He is generally quite reserved, conservative and shy but can be charismatic. I have never seen my dad get angry or overly passionate about anything. I loved him as a child/teenager for these gentle qualities.
I totally accept that my dad is happily married and will be with his wife till the day they die. I wish for happiness for everyone in my family. When they come to visit they either stay in a hotel or with my aunt and uncle (who we never saw much of growing up and I don’t think I would recognise in the street). In terms of my sister. I would say she has a different relationship with them as she is not as sensitive as me and my brother. She was not as hurt and perhaps aware of everything that went on and how my brother and me had a lot of empathy for what my mum was going through. I really would not say we were unfriendly to my dad’s wife at all. I don’t know how things changed from meeting them for lunches to changing into what it has become.
Backstory. Yes, a lot of hostility between my mum, my dad and his wife. They have never met but there has been a lot of openly aggressive communication in terms of mail, texts etc. Me and my siblings have tried as best we could to stay out of it. My mum didn’t need to phone their landline. It wasn’t an emergency as we were adults and no signal on our phones wasn’t an excuse. I didn’t give my mum their number but I feel I was often blamed for causing any agro as information would be used as ammunition for my mum to send texts to my dad i.e where we had been/what we had done. I had to be selective with what I said to my mum as I knew it might be used to get in touch with my dad. My mum has moved on from this and is more upset that my brother and me are upset we don’t have a good relationship with our dad.
In reply. Yes, you’re right it was sad to find out he would be retiring to be close to her grown up children but it was not a surprise and I have never said anything to them. I went to visit them twice and enjoyed the break away. They said they bought a four bedroom house so we could come and stay.
@LemonTT - I appreciate your input. They are adults and I wouldn’t expect them to consult me for consent (re. house move), they never have and me and my dad have never had that sort of relationship.
I wouldn’t say WE argue. It has predominantly been one sided and I just get upset, can’t speak and have to leave. I don’t feel I have ever chosen to ‘battle’ with my dad’s wife. When these ‘arguments’ used to happen, largely in restaurants, my dad used to stay silent and my sister used to defend me as I thought she was doing it out of her own principles and opinion not just to support me. In context I think there were 2-3 occasions when this happened.
I was never sure why my dad’s wife chose me to argue with over my mum phoning. My sister had been there too and I didn’t see any difference; albeit past opinions of me?
@OKBobble – I never thought it derogatory to refer to her as my 'dad’s wife'. I didn’t think being a ‘wife’ of someone would be classed disparagingly and I call her by her first name predominantly but haven’t disclosed names in this discussion. I don’t see her as a ‘step-mum’ as I was an adult when she met my dad so she has never played a ‘mum’ role/position.
I wouldn’t say I was ‘complicit’ with my mum phoning their landline. When my dad’s wife was arguing with me I didn’t think it should be the cause of such an argument (When I talk of ‘argument’ this is one sided). I was hurt she chose to wait until my sister was at the bathroom and my dad was getting coffees to voice her displeasure which I had been unaware was obviously bubbling up. It did upset me that my mum phoned but I can’t control what my mum choses to do any more than anyone else.
Yes, I do think she feels I am hostile towards her and thinks my mum has ‘poisoned me’ against her. I feel this is a very Disney/Childish view as I am an adult and I am capable of holding my own views and opinions and feel this is unfounded. I am upset she has the opinion I am hostile towards her and I don’t feel I have ever ‘belittled’ her. I feel this is an attack on my personality as I have never thought I acted like this and have never come across anyone who has described me of being like this. I don’t know how to change someone who feels this way about me?
I appreciate it would be easier if we all just got along. I just feel like I have tried and hit obstacles. I don't really want to stop seeing my dad. I love him and enjoy the time we spend together. Growing up we had a close relationship (back then my mum was closer to my sister and brother) and it hurts its no longer there and my sister is going to spend time with them when I wish for that. I'm jelous I guess and long for something from the past