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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law problems and husband not willing to talk

51 replies

bananahead6 · 26/02/2019 22:06

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable here. My MIL doesn't knock before she enters out house, unless my DH is in and she will. But if its just me she just opens the door. When we moved I asked DH not to give her a key, unless we were going away or even just to say it is for emergencies, but he gave her one. She's very helpful and will take the ironing and washing but she then comes in when we are out and leaves it in our bedroom. I sometines rush out and leave things lying and I don't want to have to feel bad about that. I also just feel like it's a bit over the line. I tried to speak to DH about it but he just tells me to shut up. AIBU?

Like I say, she is helpful but she's the kind of MIL who has an opinion about everything including in the past commenting about my marriage difficulties to my face when we were having some issues.

I just feel he never listens to me or sympathises, and says I'm making a bug deal about nothing. Maybe I am?

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 26/02/2019 22:09

Put a bolt on the inside - then at least she can't come in while you're at home. In the longer term this is a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

poppingoff · 26/02/2019 22:13

YANBU. Does your DH actually tell you to "shut up"??

LizzieSiddal · 26/02/2019 22:15

Your H tells you to “shut up”? That’s horrible way to speak to anyone let alone a person your meant to love.
Why doesn’t he listen to you? What would he do/say if you say to him “I’m not going to shut up about this or anything else I want to talk about”

The house is yours so your H doesn’t get to make the rules. Tell your MIl you need the key back. You don’t need to give a reason.

Singlenotsingle · 26/02/2019 22:16

She leaves it in your bedroom because she thinks she's being helpful. Do you want her to leave it on the doorstep? You seem very much on the defensive - she's trying to help, she's on your side. A bit of mess doesn't matter. I agree with Dh.

icouldwriteabook · 26/02/2019 22:16

My DH would never tell me to ‘shut up’ when I have a genuine issue I want to discuss with him. How bloody rude.

First you need to sort him out before her, but if she’s got a bad attitude/doesn’t respect you and she’s brought him up to be the same, then that’s the reason you have a DH who does the opposite to what you say and tells you to shut up.

I’d be changing the locks or getting a divorce (not that dramatic when you have a think about everything else you’ve said that he’s ignored and blatantly doesn’t respect you or your opinions)

Sorry op, what a shit position to be in. Hope you see you’re worth better than that Flowers

LizzieSiddal · 26/02/2019 22:16

*you’re

Original poster
bananahead6 · 26/02/2019 22:17

Yes Confused He says I just moan about everything, and if I have a problem with her I have to deal with it. I don't have a massive problem with her but I do feel she likes to be in control. The problem is when he has stuck up for me in the past she's given him such a hard time that it's not been worth it.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 26/02/2019 22:17

Not about the shut up though.

TheClaifeCrier · 26/02/2019 22:17

Singlenotsingle are you the MIL? Grin

BlueJava · 26/02/2019 22:18

Leave some massive dildos, handcuffs and rope lying around. Ketchup "blood" stains may be a step too far, but up to you. Seriously - just bolt it!

Original poster
bananahead6 · 26/02/2019 22:18

She could just leave it in the kitchen surely? She has a key. I have asked her to leave the ironing but she doesnt because DH has asked her to do it because I don't do it fast enough (I work 4 days and we have 2 young children).

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 22:20

So she’s good enough to do your washing and ironing, but not good enough to go upstairs in your house- maybe she could just leave the bag of clean and ironed clothes by the tradesman’s entrance?

TheClaifeCrier · 26/02/2019 22:22

BertrandRussell I doubt it's anything to do with "being good enough" and more that the bedroom is a private space. I don't like anyone other than DH and the kids coming into our bedroom because it's a very personal space and having others in it would feel uncomfortable.

Chlo1674 · 26/02/2019 22:23

I bet he’d never tell his DM to shut-up Hmm .

mmmm25 · 26/02/2019 22:23

@BertrandRussell
OP doesn't want her to do the washing or ironing though.

TheClaifeCrier · 26/02/2019 22:25

Honestly though OP it sounds like you have a DH problem more than a MIL problem.

Also why can't he do his own washing and ironing? My DH does all his ironing and we do laundry in equal amounts and he works around 50 hours a week.

Original poster
bananahead6 · 26/02/2019 22:28

He will do the washing but not the ironing. He just refuses as it's his least favourite chore. He will cook, shop, and is a great dad. But he's very black and white, a traditional man in many senses. He isn't very responsive to me saying if I feel upset with something, would rather I just didn't complain saying he provides a nice house and comfortable lifestyle and I should be grateful. I do work and contribute but I'm by no means the breadwinner, and so my opinions just seem undervalued.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 22:34

“But he's very black and white, a traditional man in many senses. He isn't very responsive to me saying if I feel upset with something, would rather I just didn't complain saying he provides a nice house and comfortable lifestyle and I should be grateful.“
That’s not being a good dad. Being a good dad means showing his children how a good father and partner behaves. Which includes being kind, considerate And appreciative of their mother. Would you like your son to be a husband like him, or your dd to be in your position?

Original poster
bananahead6 · 26/02/2019 22:35

No, I wouldn't. I guess I have a much bigger problem than just my MIL. Sad

OP posts:
Fairylea · 26/02/2019 22:38

Your dh is your problem.

But -

I would put an end to mil doing your washing and ironing. It blurs the boundaries - it makes her see you as dependent, as her children almost, it’s not helping the situation as it means she feels she’s doing you a favour etc. I think you need to take back control.

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 22:40

You poor love, it's not your mil, your dh treats you terribly, he has no respect for you at all Thanks

TBDO · 26/02/2019 22:42

Your DH is saying you’re a less valuable member of the family as you are not the breadwinner???

That’s not a partnership of equals. He should be grateful you’ve gone part time to look after his DC, not telling you to shut up and stop moaning.

Are you sure he does pull his weight around the house and with DC? Or are you and MIL actually doing most of it?

poppingoff · 26/02/2019 22:45

My MIL doesn't knock before she enters out house, unless my DH is in and she will. But if its just me she just opens the door.

Seems to me that your MIL has helped form your husbands "traditional" views.

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 22:55

OP, do you love him, honestly? What nice things does he do for you.

Original poster
bananahead6 · 26/02/2019 23:07

Yes but I don't look at him the same way as I did before because he has left me feeling like I'm not good enough and that I'm replaceable, on more than one occasion. For example and most recently last year, just three months after our young child died of a genetic condition we have two older and one younger), he told me that he wanted another child and it was a dealbreaker for him.I told him I didn't think I could risk all that again, the risks were so high, I was so tired and had already had two miscarriages on top of all that and I was just grateful for out three other healthy children. I waited 4 months before I had built myself up to tell him I would be leaving as I couldn't have another child only for him to interrupt me mid sentence and say he'd changed his mind and me and the kids were enough for him, that he'd just said that to try and coax me. He has said he is sorry but I don't think he understands what that did to me. In those 4 months I grew so angry with him for putting that on top of me, on top of the grief, that I just felt so much loss and hurt. And now I feel I resent him. But I know he would love another child and I'm depriving him... It's all a bit of a mess.

OP posts: