Mother in law problems and husband not willing to talk

[bananahead6]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable here. My MIL doesn't knock before she enters out house, unless my DH is in and she will. But if its just me she just opens the door. When we moved I asked DH not to give her a key, unless we were going away or even just to say it is for emergencies, but he gave her one. She's very helpful and will take the ironing and washing but she then comes in when we are out and leaves it in our bedroom. I sometines rush out and leave things lying and I don't want to have to feel bad about that. I also just feel like it's a bit over the line. I tried to speak to DH about it but he just tells me to shut up. AIBU?

Like I say, she is helpful but she's the kind of MIL who has an opinion about everything including in the past commenting about my marriage difficulties to my face when we were having some issues.

I just feel he never listens to me or sympathises, and says I'm making a bug deal about nothing. Maybe I am?

He does do nice things too, sometimes. I feel I'm painting him in a very bad light. But I guess the things he's done that have not been very nice or thoughful have eaten away at me over the years. I often wonder if I'm too sensitive but my best friend tells me I'm not.

He tried to emotionally blackmail you at literally the worst and most vulnerable time of your life.

He is awful.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. You deserve every happiness and this man isn't it.

Oh my love, this isn't right. It's a mess because he is awful to you.
i've luckily never met such a heartless man, I'm sure they exist.
Do you want to continue feeling like this, because he isn't going to change and start respecting you.
I can't believe he has treated you so badly, you deserve far much better than this and if you were my dd I'd do my best to make you see.
I'm so for you

Bless you OP, your problems are obviously way deeper than your problems with your MIL. Your husbands treatment of you is awful. But to put that aside for a minute. It's your house too. You deserve to feel comfortable in it. You need to reintroduce some boundaries with your MIL, and I agree with PP who say that you have to stop letting her do your washing and ironing (as annoying as that sounds) as it is blurring the boundaries. There is nothing wrong with asking her to knock and not let herself in, not go in your bedroom etc. If she can't respect those, she has to give her key back. End of. You don't need to justify any of this to anyone. I'm sorry for your loss. I think you can do better than to be treated this way from both of them.

Can you ask her directly to knock before coming in. If not, put the chain on the door and use leave your key in the lock from the inside.

Can you also ask her to leave the ironing on a table or somewhere else downstairs? You don't need him to tell her this. Do let her know you appreciate her help, but just that you'd prefer she leaves it downstairs. Failing that...you may need to leave some racy stuff around for her to see.

Now...your husband doesn't respect you. He said another child was a dealbreaker...to coax you! He is your bigger problem.

I suspect you don't get a lot of free time to yourself. Start doing so and build up a social network outside of your marriage.

Get yourself in a good place (mentally and emotionally) without thinking about him.... then you'll have the strength to do what you need to. Value yourself and try working on your confidence.

Thanks for your replies. I feel so angry with him and it is nice to have that validated. If I left I would just feel so guilty but it's all I spend my time these days thinking about. I think I have been brainwashed into thinking I should just be grateful for what I have and not what I don't have.

I'll arrange to have a chain on the door for now and also ask her just to leave the washing in the kitchen.

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

Please try not to get distracted by some quite minor MIL issues. Focus on where the real problem is.

Is this an old post as I read this last year?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Would you want your children to have a relationship like this?. Probably not.

You have every right to feel angry and aggrieved here.

Like mother, like son in this instance. Both are disrespecting you, treating you like crap and walking all over you. Your so called H told you to shut up when you tried to speak to him about his mother doing these chores. She is not being helpful by doing your laundry; she is undermining you and seemingly has the run of your house (I would also think you do not have the run at all of hers). Your boundaries are shot and these two are taking full advantage. I also think you have been worn down by your H over several years and his actions towards you are deliberate in intent. It was his intention all along to get you to this low point.

Abuse (and this is really what this is from your H) thrives on secrecy; please start opening up more to trusted people like your friend.
Abusive people are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Such men do not change and this is who he really is. I also think a chat with Womens Aid could be useful to you as well. Ultimately both he and his awful mother need to be out of your day to day life.

I haven't posted about this before but I suspect I won't be the first DIL to have complained about boundaries.

Yes there have been a few incidents that I know were abusive, never physical, but mental. I'm aware of that and I told him as much but of course he denied they were and said I was exaggerating.

He is a very driven, sociable man and very generous in many ways. But he has the emotional IQ of, I don't know, someone I have never met before and he is quite narcissistic. I know all this. I also know how difficult he'd make my life if I left and my youngest daughter would be caught in that and I can't bear that idea, which is why I stay.

@bananahead6 this is nuts?!
Do you feel like you're wasting your life? Will you regret staying when you're old?

Yes, definitely. I don't feel like I'm enjoying this. I don't think he is either actually. But that wouldn't stop him from making it all impossible to leave, I almost would need him to tell me it is over so he had the control.

I was angry when I read that he complained you didn't do the ironing quickly enough then I read the rest.....

He's awful and life really is too short to be this miserable.

Hi Bananahead

You're really not getting anything out of this relationship now are you.

Abuse as you are aware is not just physical in nature but psychological as well. He has in all truth done a right number on you and has likely manipulated you gradually and throughout your entire relationship. He is truly a master manipulator and he targeted you as well. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

re your comment:-

"He is a very driven, sociable man and very generous in many ways. But he has the emotional IQ of, I don't know, someone I have never met before and he is quite narcissistic. I know all this. I also know how difficult he'd make my life if I left and my youngest daughter would be caught in that and I can't bear that idea, which is why I stay".

Your life is already difficult in remaining with him (and in turn his overbearing controlling mother). He is not generous to you is he; many such abusive men are helpful to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges and your friend you write of has stated you are not being oversensitive here.

The above is a frankly terrible reason for staying, you're basically saying that you are staying because of your youngest child. Staying for the kids rarely if ever works out.

How do you think she would feel knowing that you stayed with your dad because of her, she is really not going to say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to her. She will likely call you soft and daft for staying and she could well accuse you also of putting this man before her and her siblings. Doing that could also harm your own relationship with your kids going forward because none of them will want to come home to see you and dad, if you are still together then, when they are adults.

If he is a narcissist in terms of personality then he is an appalling example of a parent to his kids. He is no husband to you and you are being completely trampled on by both him and in turn his mother (like mother, like son here). How dare he treat you like he has done to date.

You really do need to get this bloke and his attendant mother out of your day to day life. The two of them between them are really making your life an utter misery.

Your relationship is over anyway and was the first time he abused you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He likes having you about because it gives him power and control over you. This is what this inadequate man wants; absolute power and control here. He enjoys seeing your discomfort here.

Its never easy to leave but no obstacle is insurmountable here. You cannot use your youngest as a reason to stay with him. People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons; fear of their abuser is a primary one as are monetary considerations. What you are describing here is a slow death by 1000 cuts.

Your own recovery from his abuse of you will only properly start when you are completely away from him.

Ugh I hate it when mil helps its a nightmare. She'll come round and check our washing basket if it's full she'll empty it and take the washing home. Problem is she smokes so it always comes back smelling of smoke.
We went away once and she used the spare key to come in and do all the washing, strip and change our bed and tidy up. There were lube and condoms next to the bed which I'd rather she didn't see! And I'd tidied the house before we went away.
She then spent the next few weeks making jokes about how she had to come clean for us.

But I wasn't allowed to say anything because she was 'helping'

The longer you stay, the longer your dd is learning that she has to submit to a man and that her own wishes are unimportant. Show her that she is important in her own right and that you don't have to put up with crap in a marriage. Show her this by demonstrating it and leaving him. Otherwise what else are you teaching her?

Agree with the poster who said that you should do your own washing and ironing.
Allowing your MIL to do so gives her control.
Also agree that your dh is the problem

He wants more children so that you remain tied to the home and dependant on him.

Start by trying to find a better paying job & start thinking about leaving him. Get legal advice (CAB for a free consultation and also speak to your GP about the emotional abuse, of its documented somewhere I think you’re then able to get legal aid, but research it first).

Just go thro all your options, see where you’d be financially if you left, where you could rent or stay in your own home and get an occupation order.

In the mean time also put a chain on the door and tell your MIL to leave your washing alone she can carry on doing her sons if she likes, and tell her to knock when you’re home and not to enter your bedroom. It’s rude going into someone’s bedroom.

Your H is abusive he’s not a nice man at all, he’s controlling and utterly evil for making causing you extra distress whilst you were grieving for your child.

Honestly Romany Queen, you sound from your two posts that you're just trying to break up their marriage.You've got no idea whether he respects her or not -none at all. I'm not defending him here, but OP said he cooks, shops, does the washing and is a great Dad. I know that doesn't mean that he's a great husband, but it doesn't at this point warrant trying to break up her marriage . She needs to decide on that herself without anybody pushing her in that direction.

“is a great Dad.“

He’s not a great dad if he’s not modelling a good relationship to his children.

@pusspuss9
A great Dad shouldn’t abuse his wife/partner.
Read the post about where she was grieving for her child and he wanted to force her to have another one.
People have such low low standards I pity them. And I don’t mean you OP.

It's not about having low standards 7yo it's about she herself being the only person who knows all the background , consequences (good or bad) that she would face and she should not be pushed in one direction by people who frankly have no idea of what's going on in their marriage most of the time, The OP mentions her daughter and the affect a split might have on her - there are many issues that only the OP knows about, that could affect her decision - issues that are not mentioned on here. I think often posters on here are too quick to say LTB because they never have to face consequences.
That being said, I agree real abuse is a deal breaker, but some of the stuff called abuse on MN is just the normal shit stuff that occasionally goes on between partners who still love each other and have a good marriage.

“some of the stuff called abuse on MN is just the normal shit stuff that occasionally goes on between partners who still love each other and have a good marriage.”

And a lot of interactions between partners who still “love” each other and have “good” marriages are abusive.