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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Know I got invested too soon but gutted the fun's over

37 replies

WhatWouldDavinaDo · 26/02/2019 20:31

Looking for some sounding boards on this one.

Met a guy on OLD in November, hit it off immediately, have had a wonderful time, many amazing dates, have been trying to keep my head but haven't felt this way in a long time.

Last week, had a drunken row - my fault, woke up in the morning and immediately apologised for being drunk / stupid.

It felt like he let me stew for a couple of days and then asked to meet me in a neutral spot - assumed he was going to dump me. He didn't and said that the row had scared him and perhaps we'd got overly involved too soon and potentially we should cool off a bit and not see each other as much.

I apologised again for my behaviour and said that I was happy as things were but if he wanted to have more time apart, that was fine by me.

Seen each other once since which was great (as it was before) but for the last couple of days, rather than texting a couple of times in the day and ringing me every couple of days, he's gone very quiet and messages are significantly less lovey dovey.

I am now sat here, not having heard from him for approx. 1 1/2 days feeling like shit. I know it's not a long time but previously there were always 'Morning' / 'Night' texts with maybe a couple in-between.

I feel that this relationship is too new for me to be feeling let down by him already but also don't want to finish it as I really like him.

We're due to meet up tomorrow (no arrangements made as yet) but I'm not going to chase him for plans - just a bit gutted that the honeymoon seems to be over so soon for something that seemed so promising.

Assuming he contacts me to make plans, should I tell him how his lack of contact has made me feel or should I just sack it off as a lesson learnt?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 26/02/2019 20:44

I think he's just behaving as he said he would - cool things a bit. You've been together 4 months and the row was a week ago. Give things time.

it were me, I wouldn't mention the reduced contact, nor would I sack him off (I presume you mean dump him). Both would come across as more intense and involved than I think he wants to be right now.
Don't let him keep you dangling, but equally don't do anything rash if you think the relationship could have long term potential.

Sunnydays78 · 26/02/2019 20:54

I’d not sack him off just yet.
Go about your life as normal get busy, when he messages be friendly but don’t fall over yourself to ask to meet or anything. Play it cool. I’m not suggesting you play games with him but meet his level of effort, no more!

Original poster
WhatWouldDavinaDo · 26/02/2019 21:08

Thanks both, he’s just messaged me so am going to leave it a bit before I respond.

Gutted I got sucked in so quickly when that wasn’t my original intention.

Just found out that he’s been on the dating site we met on in the last 24 hours.

He said that he had signed up for 6 months & it was flattering to see interest coming through but obviously wouldn’t act on it. I assumed this meant receiving notifications of winks etc. Not that he was actively on the site.

Sitting here thinking we’re done & I’m gutted.

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 26/02/2019 21:14

You fucked up and he cooled off, the ball is in his court really. I don't think he's let you down.

ukgift2016 · 26/02/2019 21:42

It has been four months of dating and you had a row? Big deal. You are not perfect and if that puts him off, then let him go. Do not chase him.

It was around 3/4 months when I had a rant at my boyfriend. I thought that was it, other men would have walked away but he stayed. That's when I knew he was a keeper!

ShirleyPhallus · 26/02/2019 21:43

I’d back off if I was him tbh, I don’t have time for someone to row with me when drunk when only 4 months in

Give him some space

NameChangeNugget · 26/02/2019 21:49

You just need to play the long game here.

Dextrodependant · 26/02/2019 21:54

What was the row about?

I always think people show their true selves after about 3 months and most of my dating expeditions don't get past that stage . Best behaviour starts to slip and you get a truer picture of the person you are getting involved with.

SonataDentata · 26/02/2019 22:01

I would totally sack him off. Is this really what you want? You should be head over heels at this point...

picklemepopcorn · 26/02/2019 22:16

I think it's ok for him to want to take a step backwards. If this happened the other way round- 'everything was great but he got drunk last night and had a go at me', MN would be saying fun for the hills!

RiversDisguise · 26/02/2019 22:35

He could be playing games or you could genuinely have horrified him with how you behaved

What did you argue about?

Katgurl · 26/02/2019 23:08

It's hard to know as you haven't elaborated on the row. The row could have been a response to real problems anyway but because the shame of how you approached it is consuming you, those issues have been overlooked.

He might be enjoying making you sweat.

Or he could really be horrified and or have experience of alcohol being a problem in relationships and zero tolerance for it.

I think the best thing to do is set a time limit (no more than two weeks). If the relationship is still uncomfortable I'd forget about him. You have apologised so very little you can do now.

SandyY2K · 27/02/2019 00:18

If the genders were reversed, you'd probably be told to get rid as people show their true colours when drunk.

Either that or you can't hold your drink. Neither of them is good.

Original poster
WhatWouldDavinaDo · 27/02/2019 02:39

Thanks for the responses, I agree with the 3 month - know is going well or not thing which is why I was so pleased that we were going so well at that point.

Row was about something completely minor & inconsequential & if that’s put him off then there’s a lesson for me there & I’ll take it.

Suppose time will tell.

OP posts:
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/02/2019 03:10

I think he's punishing you & sulking. That sort of thing doesn't bode well imo.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 27/02/2019 03:19

If I was in this guys position I’m afraid I’d run for the hills sorry OP, but if you got to the point of petty drink fuelled arguments perhaps you might be too much drama for him, but I’m sure there’s someone else out there for you and youre at least armed with more wisdom about your own behaviour, sorry if that doesn’t make sense think I need to go to bed lol

Smotheroffive · 27/02/2019 03:22

I don't necessarily accept that you should be learning a lesson! People row, its normal! You apologised for being a bit of a drunken arse, and he has been back in touch as expected. See how it goes.

If he hadn't texted I would have assumed that hes back on the hunt, so it wasn't a surprise to read that.

When you meet it seems necessary to talk this one through and listen to his take on it.

If he doesn't want to, that's not a great start, as this is setting up the basis of communications in your relationship.

Tennesseewhiskey · 27/02/2019 05:53

It all really depends on the row, what it was about, what happened (like were you screaming or nasty) and how he us with arguing.

I hate arguing. I grew up in a house where my mum would scream all the time. I hate it now. If I had a disagreement with someone I knew for a few months, and they caused it and the started shouting. I would need to think long and hard, about whether I want to be with them.

Decormad38 · 27/02/2019 06:04

I don’t think rowing is the norm. Many people don’t. Not everyone that gets drunk rows either some people just get happy and increasingly funnier. He saw a side of you he didn’t like and he’s legged it. Work on your inner happiness op.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 27/02/2019 07:51

So 4 months down the line why can't you text him or ring him? All this waiting around fir him to make contact would drive me insane.

ShatnersWig · 27/02/2019 08:01

I don’t think rowing is the norm. Many people don’t

I'm with this poster and was quite surprised at this comment from another poster:

It has been four months of dating and you had a row? Big deal.

My ex and I were together almost 11 years, never had one row, even when we split it was all very amicable. I'd be rethinking seeing someone if within three months they got pissed to the extent they caused a drunken row over something minor. I don't want to be with someone who gets pissed and causes stupid rows.

It was around 3/4 months when I had a rant at my boyfriend. I thought that was it, other men would have walked away but he stayed. That's when I knew he was a keeper!

I find that attitude bizarre, quite honestly.

Milicentbystander72 · 27/02/2019 08:14

I'm with ShatnersWig. I've been married 16 years and had only approx 4 big rows with my DH in that time.

For some people regular rowing is seen as a normal part of a relationship. I'm afraid it's not a thing I'd want in my life.

OP, he's backing off a bit like he said. There's no huge mystery. Just see what happens.

Singlenotsingle · 27/02/2019 08:16

You got drunk and had a row over something minor? He's probably worried that this is a sign of things to come to and doesn't like it. I can understand that. If a man did that to me, I'd be off like a shot!

NC4Now · 27/02/2019 08:23

I’m always envious of people who don’t row. That’s not how I grew up and I’m trying to change it. It’s bloody hard behaviour to unlearn.
OP it could just be that you have different ideas about what’s acceptable in a relationship. He says the row scared him, you say it was something and nothing.

TheMightyToosh · 27/02/2019 08:35

Nobody wants to be with someone who gets drunk and causes a scene all the time. He may have had past experience that he doesn't want to repeat/tolerate again.

However, I'm sure most people who drink will have done it on some level at some point, without making a habit of it.

Unfortunately, OLD is brutal because there are so many options to choose from, so any slight 'defect' or red flag is reason to reject and move on to the next one.

If you're someone who regularly gets drunk and makes trouble over nothing, you maybe need to look at that. If you're not, you can only apologise and make it clear to him that you understand his hesitation but that's not who you are, and hope he will give you the benefit of the doubt.