Know I got invested too soon but gutted the fun's over

[WhatWouldDavinaDo]

Looking for some sounding boards on this one.

Met a guy on OLD in November, hit it off immediately, have had a wonderful time, many amazing dates, have been trying to keep my head but haven't felt this way in a long time.

Last week, had a drunken row - my fault, woke up in the morning and immediately apologised for being drunk / stupid.

It felt like he let me stew for a couple of days and then asked to meet me in a neutral spot - assumed he was going to dump me. He didn't and said that the row had scared him and perhaps we'd got overly involved too soon and potentially we should cool off a bit and not see each other as much.

I apologised again for my behaviour and said that I was happy as things were but if he wanted to have more time apart, that was fine by me.

Seen each other once since which was great (as it was before) but for the last couple of days, rather than texting a couple of times in the day and ringing me every couple of days, he's gone very quiet and messages are significantly less lovey dovey.

I am now sat here, not having heard from him for approx. 1 1/2 days feeling like shit. I know it's not a long time but previously there were always 'Morning' / 'Night' texts with maybe a couple in-between.

I feel that this relationship is too new for me to be feeling let down by him already but also don't want to finish it as I really like him.

We're due to meet up tomorrow (no arrangements made as yet) but I'm not going to chase him for plans - just a bit gutted that the honeymoon seems to be over so soon for something that seemed so promising.

Assuming he contacts me to make plans, should I tell him how his lack of contact has made me feel or should I just sack it off as a lesson learnt?

'You fucked up and he cooled off, the ball is in his court really. I don't think he's let you down.'

I think the same really

I think he's exploring other options again re back on dating site again.

I'd give him the space you were both talking about.

So you got drunk and nasty and you are offended because he is cooling things off?

Four months in I would have done exactly the same. Detach myself from the situation to be able to assess whether I want to stay with someone who gets drunk to the point of loosing it.

Actually... That would have been it for me. I guess people are telling you different because you are a woman, but if you were a man telling the same story, you would have been flamed already.

'It was around 3/4 months when I had a rant at my boyfriend. I thought that was it, other men would have walked away but he stayed. That's when I knew he was a keeper!

I find that attitude bizarre, quite honestly.'

I actually find it quite sad

Like you've bagged your next victim to 'rant' at

@Marthas Well, yes, I actually wrote something stronger about that but toned it down. Along the lines of "well done, you knew he was a keeper when you discovered he was happy to be your verbal punchbag".

Quite

Without having been there it’s hard to know whether he’s justified in wanting to cool things a bit or if he’s just hard work, putting you on edge on purpose or whatever.

Don’t play games. If he messages you, message him back.

If you’re not sure he’s now still exclusive, stop having sex with him (unless you’re fine with that) & be straight with him.

See what happens when his 6 months is up on the site. How did you know he was active? Were you?!

I'd be utterly shocked if a man instigated a 'row' after 4 months of dating and if he was drunk at the time I'd run for the fucking hills.
Sorry

OP, what vaguely was the topic of the row? Was it one sided? How did you actually behave?

I think you’re glossing over why the argument was a big deal to him, when he’s told you loud and clear: it SCARED him. I’m really struggling to imagine how it went down as you’re saying it was something minor and yet he’s telling you you frightened him.

He could of course mean it scared him that you were like that rather than that your behaviour made him frightened, but even if that’s the case you had to have gone pretty far to frighten him.

I think from his actions in the week since, it’s over. He just hasn’t formalised it yet. Maybe he’s hoping it just fizzles away as it’s only been a few months, or maybe he’s scared of another repeat performance if he tries to tell you it’s over.

At four months you should still be putting your best foot forwards, honeymoon stage etc. If my OH had done this and I was crazy about him I’d give him another chance, though I’d be wary, but my actions would reflect the fact I was trying to move on, I’d still be messaging and meeting up and acting the same as before once a couple days had passed. But I think the fact he’s cooled things off shows it’s just not gonna work. Definitely try work out why this happened and ensure you don’t do it again in the future, if you can’t handle your drink then that’s good info to have!

I'm not sure if I would sack him off. It does sound like that might end up happening anyway.

As others have said. Some people don't really do arguing/row-ing in relationships. I'm also one. I think if he is, he needs to be honest about it. He either is one of those people or he is punishing you for your behaviour. Neither is gonna work...

Give it another week and if he is still being distant just let him know it isn't working for you. If you're the sort of person who has an argument and gets over it (as clearly some people do) then you can't be with someone who will be affected for weeks by it. It won't work for either of you.

If someone got drunk and rowed with me id be off and not look back.
Sorry op but I think you’ve blown it with him.

Hmm...it could be that the row and your conduct has set alarm bells ringing for him.
He’s either still processing it or he’s slowly extricating himself.

I suspect you’ve blown it I’m afraid. Sorry.

What constitutes a row to some people? What do you mean by row OP? Cross words? Or full on shouting?

I am pretty much in exactly the same position as you OP in terms of length of time and feelings. I had a conversation on Sunday with the person I'm seeing. I was slightly drunk too and said something about it all being a bit too intense and unexpected (I wasn't long out of a 3 year relationship). He was a bit upset, because I think he thought I was saying I wanted to back off, I reassured him that wasn't the case just that I'm finding it all emotionally quite a lot. Everything fine afterwards. Was it along those lines OP?