What to do about needy friend?

[Holdingposition]

I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way, but here goes. I have a friend who I've known for over 15 years, since we were at school together. She found it difficult to make friends at school and has had quite a difficult home life which led to a series of emotional and psychological issues. She's a lovely, warm person, but throughout the years we've been friends I've felt drained by her company as she is often in a state of emotional distress and wants me to listen to all of her problems. She's had a fair few fallings out with friends over the years and I guess me and one other friend from school have been a constant for her in some ways. I've never discussed it with her but I'm fairly sure our other friend also finds her quite draining to be around. I feel awful because she seems to think we are this really close unbreakable trio but I find myself actively trying to 'ration' the time I give her. I live in an overseas country and she'll look up what time it is where I am and ask if I'm free, or bombard me with calls on WhatsApp. I've tried to say that I'm not available most times she wants to talk but she doesn't seem to get the hint and just keeps messaging me at different times, asking if I'm on my lunch break or when I'm waking up in the morning.

I don't want to cut her off or anything like that - she is a nice person and I know she really values our friendship, which makes it difficult. It's just hard to be friends with someone who is so needy and it feels like I'm more of a counsellor than a friend most of the time. How do I distance myself without hurting her feelings? She is quite fragile emotionally and I feel a sense of duty towards her, but it does feel like a chore. I don't mind texting every so often, even a few times a week, but I'm not keen on long phone calls which I know is what she wants, and when I move back home she'll get upset if I don't spend time with her regularly too.

She's sounds very lonely and isolated. Looks like she also had a fairly turbulent childhood. Perhaps you may want to suggest to your friend that she seeks professional help.

Your friend seems to have known you and your other friend for many years and quite rightly in my opinion ,she is reaching out to you both for support, her friendship group. If you feel that you cannot provide the support she needs I think you should have an honest and open conversation with her.

It looks to me from your post that you are going to be moving back soon , and geographically closer to her and dreading the fact that distance will no longer separate you both. This is more your issue than hers.

Your friend clearly hasn't had the best of times her whole life and her ability to cope has been compromised. If you feel this is too draining of your time I think you should talk to her honestly and encourage her to obtain and seek support ,independently, outside of her friendship group. Hopefully her finances will allow her to find someone to talk to quickly.

She's needs support and if her friends are not avail to provide it she must seek that support elsewhere. If you are honest with her she will then know you are not avail and she can seek help and council elsewhere.

Thanks for the response, I've encouraged her many times to get counselling. She has been on and off for years but it never seems to stick. I'd like to think I'm sympathetic to MH issues as I have experienced it myself but there's only so many times you can hear about the same issue e.g she has had doubts for years about her relationship and I have tried to gently encourage her to leave as I don't think it's great for her MH but she doesn't do anything about it. That's what also gets frustrating after a while - I feel we're going over the same issues over and over and it never seems to change.

I feel awful for saying all of this but when I get another 'are you free to talk' message (it's been several days in a row now) my heart sinks and I have been ignoring them and replying much later

I have a similar friend and I sympathise I’m getting messages this evening about an issue that should have been resolved approx 3 years ago but still hasn’t been. It’s exactly the same conversation we have each time and it’s so, so draining.

If you value the friendship I think you have to just nod along and try to keep the conversations as short as you can each time. It is hard work though.

There's only so many times you can say the same things - get some counselling, think of yourself first and foremost. I feel bad for ignoring her message now but I really just don't feel like talking to her. I thought she'd realise that I'm never 'available' to talk and get the hint maybe but it never works! I do send her supportive messages but the phone calls are too much.

I feel your pain OP. My only suggestion is to talk to her on your terms, not hers. If she messages asking if you're free to talk, reply with "I've got a lot on over the next couple of days so why don't we set aside a time on Friday" for a quick catch-up". That way you are dictating your time with her but still giving her support?
I had a demanding friend who used to turn up at my house every night (after a break-up). I had to learn just to say no.

This would drive me to distraction and I would have to be ‘very busy’ and leave increasing periods between replies.

Have a frank and honest conversation with her and explain that you are no longer available. There is no point her contacting you if you are not there to respond. That will be more damaging for her if she feels she is being ignored ,or reaching out and no one responds. Be honest with her and tell her that you are not available for her . We do not know her reasons for staying in the relationship to which you refer in your post. Maybe she is trapped, we don't know. Either way she is where she is and is reaching out. Be honest so that she can reach out elsewhere and get the support she needs. She may not have any family support available to her.

You mentioned your own MH battles ,you may or may not have had a more sophisticated support network around you. You may or may not have been better placed or equipped to deal with the battles in front of you. Some are not. Some have MH issues and loving families to see them through and some have MH issuers and absolutely no one.

Clearly, your friend cannot cope or get herself out of this mire. Be honest with her so that she can reach out to those more available to help her. This is not a criticism of you. You cannot and/or do not want to be there. That's ok, but she does need to find someone who will be ,otherwise she will be alone with no one to talk to and that can be dangerous place for her to be. Particularly when she is not equipped with the foundation of a happy childhood.

You clearly love your friend so the best thing for both of you is to the have the conversation and at least you can be clear that you explained your POV and advised your friend to seek help elsewhere.

She's needs to know, so she can seek help elsewhere and you need to be free from this responsibility.

I would be honest the next time she starts on the same issues. I would say 'friend, I love you and support you but I can't have the same conversation with you again. You know what I think about this. If something is different, let me know. If not, let's talk about other thing '

Friendships are not a one-way street. No one should entirely monopolise the attention and sympathy in such a one-sided way. This is not your job, this is what trained professionals are there for. No friend should expect constant support without some sort of give and take. I would tell her that she needs to start becoming aware of your needs too and interrupt her and insist that you speak about other things, especially anything going on in your life. I keep saying this to friends in similar situations. Friendships are like joint current accounts. Both friends need to pay in similar amounts and there shouldn’t be one constantly emptying and draining it. I am not talking about going through a rough patch, where one friend will need a bit more support but when it becomes totally the norm and carries on like that for years. That’s not a friendship! You’re an emotional dustbin. I would literally stop her if she goes on and on and tell her that she needs to change the record, enough is enough. If she won’t do anything about it, then she needs to limit the time she bothers others with it. If she sulks and refuses to accept this then you know where you stand. Then dump her. We all deserve friends that don’t just take and take.

The problem is that every time I offer her a bit of my time she keeps asking for more. E.g I sent her a voice note to try and stave off a phone call and she immediately called me twice on video call. I didn't answer and said I was busy but every day since I've had messages asking to talk. I don't even like talking on the phone except with close family and I don't see why we need to talk when we've gone over it through text message a million times. When we lived in the same town she'd ask to catch up and then when I would she'd immediately try and schedule the next date in. She's very sentimental and has often written me letters and cards which is all very sweet but it's all just a bit much.

Though she has never turned up at my house, that I'm thankful for!

Sorry cross post!

'If she sulks and refuses to accept this then you know where you stand. Then dump her.'

And this is why so many mentally ill and /or fragile people end up where they do, alone!

You sound lovely OP but your friend does sound very draining. I don't blame you for trying to eek out the time in between communication. Tricky...

I agree with Grump. Friendship should primarily be about spending time having fun together. Of course if you are going through a bad time in your life then for a while it may involve more serious conversations and support. However, that shouldn’t be constant for years. It sounds like there has not been any light hearted moments, shared interests or fun in your relationship for years. I’m not sure it’s a true friendship. It sounds like a lot of work on your part which you understandingly are resenting. X

@CatherineofTarragon1

What about the OP's mental health and how this is affecting her?

Glad to hear it's not just me being cruel! She does occasionally ask me how things are going but maybe because she's always so preoccupied she tends to forget/not listen when I tell her things. I think I might just continue to try and stagger my replies but if she pressures me I might ask if there's something specific she wants to discuss, and not go over the same things again and again.

mmmm25 yes, I acknowledged that, that's why I said talk to her friend and tell her she is not avail anymore. Thereby freeing her friend to get help elsewhere.

I think you need to start being blunt with her. Pandering to her by allowing her to go on and on isn't helping her and it's even interfering in your life in another country. This will not change because she isn't going to realise how you feel unless you tell her. The next time she's on the phone and she is going on and on about herself just say "I can't keep having the same conversation with you, it's exhausting." Either it'll be a wake up call for her and your friendship will get better or she'll cast herself as the victim and you won't have to deal with her anymore. But it doesn't sound like she is enriching your life right now and I feel like the only people worth spending time on do just that.

@CatherineofTarragon1 Oh feck off with the emotional blackmail! It's not on the OP or anyone to put their life on hold and push their own needs to the back to be emotional punchbags for other people year in and year out! Friendships like relationships are not a one-way street. If the care and support isn't mutual than it isn't ok to expect someone be utterly drained and keep on giving. Mental health issues are not the responsibility of lay people, especially if the person does nothing to help themselves. First rule of any Samaritan or First Aider is to not risk their own health. This includes your own mental wellbeing.

Agree with Grumpel. Her mental health is not your responsibility. But your own mental health is. This friendship impacts negatively on you. There’s not much in it for you. It’s stressful. You were not put on this earth to spend it pleasing other people at your own expense. You are not her counsellor. Personally I would end the friendship (I have done this several times myself and not regretted it).
But if that’s not what you want then tell her exactly what you find is too much, exactly how much contact you are willing to have. Basically you set your boundaries for the friendship. Then stick to it. If she doesn’t like it she can end the friendship. I have found that people rarely change.

She keeps contacting you with the same script, you keep replying with the same advice, she keeps contacting you with the same.........
Maybe you could text, 'I'm free to talk on Friday at noon, but if you mention 'Fred' I am putting the phone down.'
I have done something similar but it was face to face and the wearying, endless round and round just stopped. She became less self absorbed, I relaxed and enjoyed her company more.
Worth a try.

Grump agree. That's why I suggested, many posts ago, that OP speak to her friend. That way they both know where they stand., OP is then relinquished of the burden and can focus on herself and her friend knows that she needs to seek help elsewhere , outside of her friendship group.

I personally think it's cruel and disrespectful to 'ghost' people. If Op wants to 'dump' her friend then she should tell her. That way, all involved parties MH needs are taken care of. It's just basic manners to treat another human being with respect. As you would wish to be treated yourself in that situation.

Not replying, to msg's, allowing days to pass between messages,
Ignoring phone calls and ' dumping ' people
is a cowardice way of dealing with matters imo.

It's absolutely fine to not feel able to be there for a friend. But the decent and kind thing to do is to tell that friend, so they can go elsewhere for the support they need.

@Holdingposition if you want to 'dump' your friend off, tell her. Then she will stop calling you and you will have the result you want.

However, be prepared for her to leave the friendship. You cannot keep your friend on your terms in this situation. She isn't working for you so tell her and move on. Ignoring msg's and leaving days gaps in communication is poor. Have the courage of your conviction.

List what she’s done for you in last 6 months of your friendship and then list what you’ve done for her.

She uses you. She has no respect for your time, doesn’t give a shite about your needs or your worries. She’s not your responsibility and your child.

purpleelk agree. OP has said her friend occasionally asks how she is and then changes subject. Op has responded on posts here , there is nothing in this friendship for her. As I and others have said, across all posts, OP should then spk to her friend and move on.

What is Op getting from this friendship ? Lets all just think of ourselves and what we gain from people. Mentally ill and fragile people are so annoying aren't they. Their inability to cope with life , having had traumatic childhoods outside of their control , is so inconvenient for us. They are so draining, cringe radiator analogy etc etc. What a bunch of free loading , radiator draining, me me me cliches they are.

OP has repeated in her posts that friend is draining her and she is getting nothing. So talk to her and say goodbye.

Not rocket science ! I think we have already established that OP should spk to her friend and 'dump' her off! There is nothing in this friendship for the OP. As we all know friendships are all about what's in it for us!. What do we gain from people. Me.. me.. me.. !

Op has said she is just going to continue to effectively phase her friend out. Very mature and responsible way to handle an emotionally fragile person. Community at its best.

OP I have had “friends” like yours. They don’t read or respect your personal boundaries - the relationship is imbalanced as they continue to take multiple times more than they give. So you need to be overt about your boundaries and fence off certain topics that will not be discussed in order to redress the balance. A good friend will respect this - a user will likely huff off.

If someone has an intractable MH or recurrent relationship issue that is not being resolved then it is appropriate that you advise your friend to seek professional help for this as you do not have the expertise to help and any advice you give may be counterproductive. In fact you could inadvertently be enabling or prolonging their issue as you are a vent.

Of course all friends go through the peaks and troughs of life together - around for each other for the laughter and tears. But if someone has been draining and bleating at you for 15 years from the trough then you have to decide if you are compatible.