What to do about needy friend?

[Holdingposition]

I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way, but here goes. I have a friend who I've known for over 15 years, since we were at school together. She found it difficult to make friends at school and has had quite a difficult home life which led to a series of emotional and psychological issues. She's a lovely, warm person, but throughout the years we've been friends I've felt drained by her company as she is often in a state of emotional distress and wants me to listen to all of her problems. She's had a fair few fallings out with friends over the years and I guess me and one other friend from school have been a constant for her in some ways. I've never discussed it with her but I'm fairly sure our other friend also finds her quite draining to be around. I feel awful because she seems to think we are this really close unbreakable trio but I find myself actively trying to 'ration' the time I give her. I live in an overseas country and she'll look up what time it is where I am and ask if I'm free, or bombard me with calls on WhatsApp. I've tried to say that I'm not available most times she wants to talk but she doesn't seem to get the hint and just keeps messaging me at different times, asking if I'm on my lunch break or when I'm waking up in the morning.

I don't want to cut her off or anything like that - she is a nice person and I know she really values our friendship, which makes it difficult. It's just hard to be friends with someone who is so needy and it feels like I'm more of a counsellor than a friend most of the time. How do I distance myself without hurting her feelings? She is quite fragile emotionally and I feel a sense of duty towards her, but it does feel like a chore. I don't mind texting every so often, even a few times a week, but I'm not keen on long phone calls which I know is what she wants, and when I move back home she'll get upset if I don't spend time with her regularly too.

List what she’s done for you in last 6 months of your friendship and then list what you’ve done for her.

I'm not sure people who have survived dysfunctional
and/or abusive childhoods , are fragile in mind ,cannot make rational choices, lack boundaries due to poor childhoods and are on the cusp of MH issues find this kind of scrutiny helpful?

The lack of empathy on this thread for the Op's friend, who she has herself ,described as "fragile' is disgusting.

*List what she’s done for you in last 6 months of your friendship and then list what you’ve done for her.

I'm not sure people who have survived dysfunctional
and/or abusive childhoods , are fragile in mind ,cannot make rational choices, lack boundaries due to poor childhoods and are on the cusp of MH issues find this kind of scrutiny helpful? *

Well the OPs friend has lost many friends over the years - and some honest feedback might save he from losing her last two friends. She needs to understand to be respectful of others and give and take if she wants friends.

“What is Op getting from this friendship Lets all just think of ourselves and what we gain from people.”

That’s pretty much what OP’s friend is doing to her so why don’t you lecture this “fragile” woman about what friendship is?

“Mentally ill and fragile people are so annoying aren't they. ”

Fragile people don’t steamroll over you and your feelings and take adavantage of your kindness without giving a fuck about you. Mentally ill people can selfish assholes can be the same person.

Your sarcasm, yeah very annoying

@CatherineofTarragon1 Give the OP a break! She has expressed that she cares for her friend but feels emotionally drained by her. She wants to be friends with her but feels like more of a counsellor than a friend. She doesn't want to 'dump her off' and has suffered from mental health issues herself. She cares enough to ask for advice to help get the friendship back on a friends level rather than as a counsellor. I had a friend like this OP and it is heartbreaking. I cared very much about her and wanted to help and protect her but I just didn't have the skills. I still wonder that if I had spoken up (we were teenagers) to an adult she might have had someone who could have helped her rather than just listen to her as, in hindsight, I can see that was what she needed. I'd encourage you to do the same. You have to protect your own mental health too.

The levels of ignorance around MH, and it's affect on those suffering and how they interact with others, on show on this thread are quite frankly embarrassing.

A number of people don't even appear to have even read the posts but decide to reply anyway. Promoting me personally to have had to repeat myself many times.

Interestingly the OP has not been back to thread. Perhaps she has seen the idiocy and lack of insight shown by some of those responding.

Perhaps she has decided to ditch this thread and take advice from people who actually have a clue.

This thread really does show that anyone with a keyboard can have a platform. They don't actually have to have anything constructive or educated to say but they can say it none the less.

I live in an overseas country and she'll look up what time it is where I am and ask if I'm free, or bombard me with calls on WhatsApp. I've tried to say that I'm not available most times she wants to talk but she doesn't seem to get the hint and just keeps messaging me at different times, asking if I'm on my lunch break or when I'm waking up in the morning.

This is awful OP - it must feel like you are being hounded or stalked.

“promoting me personally to have had to repeat myself many times.

Interestingly the OP has not been back to thread. Perhaps she has seen the idiocy and lack of insight shown by some of those responding.

Perhaps she has decided to ditch this thread and take advice from people who actually have a clue.”

Or maybe she’s sick of one poster bullying everyone off this thread who keeps repeating herself and thinks she’s some sort of an expert on the mental health of someone described in a couple of paragraphs on the internet.

You wrote your opinion. You really don’t need to repeat it. And you don’t get to to tell anyone else theirs is wrong, let alone suggest “idiocy.”

You know nothing more than the rest of us about this situation and your lack of awareness and insight is pretty appalling.

My mum has mental health problems. Has done as long as I can remember and I'm middle aged. She has been sectioned more than once, most recently August2018 as she attempted to throw herself into a canal. I have seen her destroy all her friendships over the years and pretty much all her family relationships, including me. She has said some horrendous things to me that ordinarily I would not tolerate from anyone. She has no idea about her behaviour, how she comes across and how she affects others. She is incapable of moderating herself. If I left her to it it would not help. I had a friend yrs ago who had MH issues, I left her to it as I was young and busy. She is dead now .

I can see from watching all these years how people have abandoned my mum because yes she is demanding. She has no idea of boundaries. She calls me all the time, she threatens and it's all about her all the time. Never once asks about me or my family. Never does. Didn't even care that I had a breast lump removed a few yrs ago, she 'forgot' I was having surgery. She is not a terrible person she is just Ill. All people have done by ghosting and abandoning her is make her fall further into her spiral.

All I am trying to say on this thread is some people are needy because they cannot control or indeed have no awareness of how they are and how other people find them or how they come across. They have no idea or control.

If you have a person like this in your life and you cannot be there for then then yes, you have to walk away but you must tell them and not leave them to fend for themselves. Some people are demanding of us and unaware of our needs because they simply cannot function on that level.

Thanks everyone for your comments. As I said she is sweet and does thoughtful gestures but she isn't a good listener and perhaps because of her MH issues she can be very needy and focused on herself. I haven't 'ghosted' her, I've just been spacing out my replies because as soon as I reply she'll immediately message and ask if I'm free to talk. Our third friend has dropped off the radar a bit (she's always made herself less available as I suspect she finds it too tiring to deal with) and so I'm essentially acting as the go-to. I do keep suggesting counselling but she hasn't gone for it. She's really keen on putting on a happy face to the world e.g she always posts on social media about how great her boyfriend is despite their issues, so I think most of her other friends have no idea about her MH issues.

I had a friend like this ... Talked for hours every day on the phone ... In the car non stop talking ... When I dropped her off at her home, my car would be running and she still didn't get the hint ... Talked for an hour then would get out of the car ... Never asked me how I was ... I could sense she would get dumped soon and then distanced myself from her ... I couldn't go through her crap of being dumped ... I understood why he wanted to get away ... This is harsh ... I wish I didn't feel this way ... But I hate that bitch for wasting hours of my life talking crap and draining me to the point where I didn't have the energy to do something productive ... I hate myself more for letting it carry on.

No advice OP but I'm placemarking as I am in a similar situation to you. x

How do you feel OP about taking charge of the area of concern - so proactively saying - I don’t want to discuss x,y,z as I have suggested many times that this needs professional support.

I think that too mush listening could be enabling as she gets to dump/vent about the relationship on you which gives her a breather and more oxygen to go back into the toxic relationship rather than dealing with anything. Maybe if you cut off this she might be forced to face it / deal with it? You would be doing her a favour.

Op you really need to tell her very firmly that you are no longer discussing these situations. I agree with a pp about enabling.

Agree with pps - you’re not helping by staying in the loop.

I used to have poor boundaries and was a bit of a “fixer” because I didn’t want to focus on my own life. I’d end up bogged down in these horrible guilt ridden interactions.

When I myself had genuine issues - and tried to mention them - they’d literally talk over me to try to shut me up or dismiss me so they could put me back in the “Role” of caretaker.

It made me feel like shit and did nothing for my self esteem.

There was also real spite and envy and control in the way they interacted with me - it was like I was put in the role of “happy lucky cheerful helpful person” (when I was under a lot of pressure and still am) who they could then focus their neediness on. If I tried to “step out of that role” they hated me.

I’d actually make up some excuse and go cold turkey for six months on her. See how you feel after that. I don’t think you’ll miss her.

Saladcreamie you are absolutely right. I said a few posts back that once you change the dynamic and put down boundaries they will either respect that or huff off. I tried to put in boundaries with a “friend” after her sucking my time - and yes she would turn up on my doorstep every Saturday morning - even if I had been out with her the night before until 2am listening to her 30 year old relationship woes. I started to put in distance and fade the relationship after she was really rude to me and then all I got was a barrage of shitty texts and emails for dropping her - had to block her in the end.

*Saladcreamie Your posts resonate so much with me. Same here, I was the go-to emotional fixer. I slipped into this role due being a magnet for needy people with a bit of a helper-syndrome. Some of them would say that they wanted to bottle up my happiness and resilience. It was physically exhausting and emotionally draining me more and more. And it encroached on my career and work, as I was a freelancer and these friends just did not respect my working hours. Again, and again, I would try to explain that I could not simply rock up at their place of work and dump all my woes on them, so they needed to not interrupt me while working but they carried on. Slowly, I realised the all-consuming selfishness of these so-called friends. One called me minutes after I found out that my father died pretty suddenly while still young. I tried to get a word in edge-ways but she kept waffling on about some constantly recurring, self-created drama. I had to hang up on her because she just ignored me telling her that my dad just died. There were several other extremely traumatic events and these friends simply refused to relinquish their ‘victim’ status and continued to demand my time and energy with no empathy. Worse, their woes were genuinely minor compared to what was happening in my life. My grief and pain were trumped by theirs because I was such a strong person, while they suffered from ‘fragile’ mental health.

I see this constantly trotted out here on MN, where posters are driven to the brink of their own emotional wellbeing but then get chastised and emotionally blackmailed by virtue signallers because of someone else suffering from 'MH problems'. So bloody what! As an autonomous being, we need to stop pandering to self-centred people and put our own wellbeing first. Stop enabling people who will not seek help! OP’s friend refuses to improve her situation by talking to a professional instead of monopolising and exhausting her. It’s like someone constantly not taking their medication and using up valuable resources at A&E/hospitals to deal with ensuing worsening of their condition.