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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need to compose a farewell message

30 replies

Mhoust · 26/02/2019 16:32

NC for this. Hope that's ok.

Last summer I accepted a FB friend request from an old acquaintance. Within weeks we were chatting, flirting, sexting. He was dating somebody casually and so was I. My awful marriage had finally failed 12 months prior as had his.

I loved getting messages. Felt good. We became full-on, shared advice and confidences as well as sex talk. Ran into each other randomly at a wedding party a couple of months ago and kissed. Went back to online flirting and chat but I had developed feelings. He was still dating the "casual" woman but I investigatd her social media (he'd mentioned her first name at the party and I eventually found her) and she seemed pretty smitten, not casual, she tags/mentions him all the time and wrote a loving status on New Years Eve. He always said he likes her but didn't see a long term future with her. So I was concerned.

2 weeks ago I bit the bullet and asked if he was free for a coffee - gave three choices of afternoon. He said he couldn't make any and did not suggest an alternative. So, I had my answer. Fair enough. I half expected it.

I don't want to be an online fling indefinitely. I didn't want to throw my toys out of the pram and cut contact then (would look a bit foolish, straight after being rebuffed) so I've gritted my teeth and carried on flirting, sexting, chatting about family, music, sport, politics etc as we always have done. However, 2 weeks after being turned down it is now time to cut him out for my own sanity and out of respect to the woman he's seeing. He's made his choice. And let's face it, he's no prize.

How do I put it? I don't want to sound like a victim, don't want to be peevish or accusatory. Don't want to do a big dramatic "block". I just want to stop messages. Perhaps I should just be polite and cool, and let him get the hint but that prolongs the disappointment for me (I still have feelings). Any ideas? Thanks.

OP posts:

dontpointatme · 26/02/2019 16:35

Could you just go with something like I'm sorry, I can't do this any more, I'm looking for more from someone and can't do that while we're doing whatever this is??

Musti · 26/02/2019 16:37

Just tell him that whilst it's been nice it doesn't sit right with you to be sexting etc whilst he's in a relationship. Wish him all the best but you no longer want to continue messaging.

And as a note to you: he's not a nice man to be stringing you along as well as cheating on his girlfriend.

sofato5miles · 26/02/2019 16:38

I am sorry, this no longer working for me.

Then block

thecatsarecrazy · 26/02/2019 16:40

Honestly I would just block and move on. I know you don't want to but whats the point in a dear john? He has a woman wanted his cake and eat it. I've been unfriended again by a male friend I got far 2 close to. He will come crawling back again he always does and I will block all contact next time. What's the point in stringing it out

wishywashy6 · 26/02/2019 16:41

Something like "sorry this is no longer working for me, I need someone who can give me more and it wouldn't be right to enter into a new relationship with someone while we're chatting the way we do plus it's started feeling a bit uncomfortable knowing you're seeing someone. All the best for the future"
Then block

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 26/02/2019 16:42

I would just say something like "hi, this has been great fun and I've enjoyed our chats but for various reasons I think it's time to draw it to a close, I've got stuff upcoming IRL now so won't be around much online. Take care".

LostwithSawyer · 26/02/2019 16:47

Do you need to say anything?.
How about just stop replying?
Or if you feel the need to reply, be vague and not interested.

AgentJohnson · 26/02/2019 16:56

2 weeks after being turned down it is now time to cut him out for my own sanity and out of respect to the woman he's seeing.

Out of respect for the woman he’s seeing😳! Christ OP, that pivot was just ridiculous. The Bold and The Beautiful want their plot line back

Dear God woman! Just block him already.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/02/2019 17:00

Blocking him doesn't have to be dramatic. And you'll have to block him in the end anyway otherwise you'll be tempted to send him 'just one more message'. Just do it.

BlingLoving · 26/02/2019 17:03

I don't think you need to go straight to a bloc. But I do think a messaging that you're not going to be continuing this as you're looking for more, with someone who is interested in a real, monogamous relationship is fine. Then stop replying or block as necessary.

AgentJohnson · 26/02/2019 17:07

Everything about your past and current behaviour, screams drama! The long goodbye is the oldest trick in the ‘let me remind you what you’re missing’ playbook.

MargotLovedTom1 · 26/02/2019 17:08

Just stop messaging him, and be honest with yourself that it's because you're miffed because he knocked you back. It can't be out of respect to this woman he's seeing or you wouldn't have asked him for coffee in the first place.

PickAChew · 26/02/2019 17:11

You don't need any long message. This isn't working for me is enough.

forumdonkey · 26/02/2019 17:15

As PP said, do you need to say anything? Make your replies, shorter, don't engage in long conversation back and forth and stop flirting. You keep your dignity and take control. Remember, you're not going to be the woman who is going to massage his ego while he gives his time and effort to his gf

Hellohappy · 26/02/2019 17:23

Tell him you’ve met someone.

Second thoughts, he’ll be sniffing around you even more.

Original poster

Mhoust · 26/02/2019 17:26

"Let me remind you what you're missing". Yes! Truth be told, there is an element of that here.

And yes - I'm definitely miffed to have been knocked back. I half expected it but it still stung.

I genuinely didn't know that the woman had strong feelings for him until I uncovered her social media. I believed that it was a casual arrangement on both sides, like the one I had with someone before Christmas. And she looks and sounds nice, hence the guilt. It's genuine.

I don't want him to know that I'm hurt and miffed.

I just want to kick him into touch with no fuss and without looking gullible. It is shallow, but I don't want word of my dimwittedness getting round (we have several mutual friends). People already pity me for my acrimonious divorce.

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 26/02/2019 18:29

If this is a genuine post,
Stop being a drama queen, accept you’ve been blown out, block him and move on.

category12 · 26/02/2019 18:38

Why on earth did you think continuing to flirt and sext him after being knocked back was better for your dignity? Surely that just makes you look desperate.

Just ghost him. You'll look a div explaining and a farewell message just looks like you're making it a big thing. Just ghost.

CornforthWhite · 26/02/2019 18:47

Don't send a goodbye. Just reply a lot less. Make him think you've got better things going on so you leave with your head held high. He's not worth it

ALannisterInDebt · 26/02/2019 18:51

Your options are:

Gradually stop replying, be vague and cool and eventually just don't respond anymore.

Ghost him & block him

Or send a message along the lines if 'it's been really great talking after all this time, but I'm not enjoying it as much anymore, I'd like to draw a line under this now and say goodbye, all the best for the future'

'I've met someone new and the sex is amazing, I'm so sorry to disappoint you but I'm going to have to stop messaging you, it's all a little boring now and doesn't do it for me anymore. I'm sure you'll understand I just don't have the time anymore'

lifegoes · 26/02/2019 18:54

I know it hurts. But sending the "Ive had enough message" is often a subconscious way of looking for them to pull you back in.

You want him to say, don't be silly I want you And give you reassurance.

But the truth is, he is with another woman. You aren't his priority you are his backup.

Don't give him the reassurance, just walk away. Don't block him, just delete his number and ignore. If he texts a lot then block him

Why is he worth a "Ive had enough message" when you aren't worth his time, to be put first etc.

UAEMum · 26/02/2019 18:54

Go with number 4

ItsABeautifulDayNow · 26/02/2019 19:04

He probably won't overthink whatever message you send to end it, as much as that hurts your feelings.

So please don't give it so much headspace - don't do anything just for spite or you'll be disappointed there's no reaction and that's all kinds of unhealthy.

This "see what you're missing" stuff never feels good because he won't mull it over, he'll just accept it and move on and you'll be left hanging which will feel shit.

A simple text is the way forward - you're moving on so start doing that by not investing any more headspace in someone you won't be with in a few days!

ItsABeautifulDayNow · 26/02/2019 19:09

Wouldn't everyone see through the seeing someone else and it's boring etc? If someone said that to me I'd just assume they were trying to make me jealous / being spiteful and think I'd dodged a bullet a bit.

You knew the score and said yourself you pretended to him that everything was cool when you knew the situation so he hasn't done anything awful to you - maybe to the other woman he's seeing but you knew he was seeing her and didn't end it when you found out, so have been totally ok with everything in his eyes...

Sorry I know it's sad but there's no need to try and "win" somehow - you're better than that!

Ididalwayswonder · 26/02/2019 19:12

100%

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