I’ve made comments about her dying it brunette before as we used to have a laugh about it as she knew before we got together I liked dark hair on women.
She mentioned she was going to a hair appointment to have her hair colored...(More blond). She asked me what I thought about that.
I made a light hearted passing joke that she should get it dyed brunette.
I think you were a bully to have ever made jokes about her hair, which is part of her identity. In telling her that your ex was a brunette and that you previously preferred brunette hair, you were trying to put her on the back foot and plant seeds of insecurity. She might have gone along with the previous ‘laughs,’ but likely felt uncomfortable and uncertain about how to react.
This time, she was actually preparing for her color appointment and was going to go blonder, perhaps a bold move for her. In asking your opinion, she was asking for your support. Instead of supporting her, you couldn’t resist using your juvenile punchline, once again reminding her of your all-time favorite color, which she interpreted as a passive-aggressive dig and attempt to coerce. I agree with her.
I believe that you want to control and manipulate this woman. In your other threads you criticized her general texting behavior, as well as her post-coital behavior on one evening, when she went fast asleep after sex (instead of cuddling), but not before silently kissing her hand and touching your lips ‘good night.’ To you, that was unacceptable.
Regarding her texting, you feel unsettled if her messages don’t follow your dictatorial rules of length, effort, reply time, tone, and use of pet names. You rely on these unreasonable demands “to provide a sense of validation/reassurance,” thereby manipulating her to be responsible for your security instead of you managing your own emotions. She has tried to dispel your doubts, to no avail. You want her to accept blame.
It seems that you have an inflexible ideal and expect her to comply at all times. This is abusive. You stated that she has a cooler, more aloof personality than you. Instead of accepting and appreciating her as she is, or deciding to move on due to incompatibility, you want her to change to meet your rigid needs. I believe you feel threatened by her independence and individuality, and your goal is coercive control.