Is My Girlfriend Over Reacting?

[stressedinthought]

Hi All,

I would appreciate any thoughts/advice on the below? I know this appears childish and trivial BUT it actually happened...

Had a phone call with my girlfriend after she finished work. She had a good day and was in a good mood.. we were having a nice chat... Until...

She mentioned she was going to a hair appointment to have her hair colored for a party we're going to on the weekend (More blonde). She asked me what I thought about that..

I made a light hearted passing joke that she should get it dyed brunette.. (I've made comments about her dying it brunette before as we used to have a laugh about it as she knew before we got together I liked dark hair on women)

She completely flipped out and took it super personally! Being very aggressive on the phone.. Saying things such as:

1. That's really hurtful why do you always say that when I mention my hair to you (Which I don't by the way)

1. You know i'm never going to change the color, you obviously have a thing for dark haired women... Your EX had brunette hair! am I the right girl for you! (Like what seriously?!)

1. If I'm not what you want physically why are you with me?!

1. She then continued to make sarcastic comments about me changing my appearance such as "You should shave all your hair off because I like the Rock".

Whenever this has come up before we've always joked about it together.. she never seemed to take offence at all. She'd even make comments about me getting my hair dyed blonde...

You get the general gist, she full on took it to heart and completely lashed out on me. I profusely apologized on the phone saying I never meant to upset her and that I was sorry. I said it was only a joke and I didn't realise it got to her that much and I would stop and not say it again.

She's now been giving me the cold shoulder all night.

Is she being a drama queen? Or have I been an ass? This all seems very pathetic and childish to me...

Cheers

Hear hear ^^

Oh and it's called negging, look it up.

I think she may have overreacted BUT she obviously has an insecurity about your preference to brunette, hence why she's "checking" with you about going more blonde. She's worried if she moves further away from your type that you won't find her attractive anymore. So why not be more sensitive to that in future and find ways of buoying her up rather than making jokes.

Can you explain the "joke" a bit?

OP has passed his negativity about non brunettes.
I have always wondered about the term only joking wtf does the only mean?
You do sound horrible OP.

She sounds hard work to me, but I think it's fairly clear she was looking for reassurance at that time so perhaps you need to be more aware of times she will feel vulnerable and be more sensitive.

My first question is what is funny about telling her she ought to be a brunette? I'm looking for the punchline and I'm struggling to find where the joke is.

Ultimately you have told your blonde girlfriend that you'd rather her be a brunette, conincidently, just like your ex.

How would you feel if her ex had a beard and she told you to grow one

Which is it, an ongoing ‘joke’ or a once in a blue moon comment? It can’t be both

This!

You're being an ass. She probably got fed up with hearing it and told you off which is exactly what she should have done.

You've posted 4 threads about your relationship this month alone (and I suspect you've posted previously under different names).

Whatever way you look at it all, you are incompatible and this relationship is immature and unsustainable. You are wasting your time!

Giving someone the cold shoulder/sulking/ stonewalling is a childish way to behave, so for that, SIBU.

BUT you sound really tedious and immature - "joking" about her hair, making it clear that you have a type, etc. It's a pretty nasty and insidious way of keeping someone feeling insecure. I bet if she did change her hair you'd be delighted - because she'd be showing you how desperate she was to please you.

I've made comments about her dying it brunette before as we used to have a laugh about it

I've literally made 1 comment in the past about her getting brunette hair as a joke... this isn't a recurring thing I do.

Make your mind up love.

In her mind you are comparing her to your ex.
Her reaction is slightly ott but I’ve been in her position and it grates after a while. I wasn’t just hair colour. It was style, size, food, holidays. Little remarks all added up. I reacted badly once and it never happened again.

Tell her that you are sorry.

Are you going to shave your head? No? Why would you expect her to let you dictate her hair choices?

If you prefer brunettes then that puts her squarely in the “good enough for now” category (you are using her).

I agree that you are negging which is very mean.

I'm confused as to where the "joke" comes in here.
These comments will wear anyone down if said enough, and the fact she asked you what you thought about her getting her hair done shows that this has, in one way or another, knocked her confidence where her hair colour is concerned.

So when she makes comments about you shaving your head, they're "sarcastic" and you view it in a negative light, but when you make comments about her hair (directly or indirectly) it's a "joke" and it's all fine?
Sorry mate, you're a bit of a dick.

hope she finds a Rock lookalike who loves her blonde hair and leaves you

This is why couples shouldn't (IMO) shouldn't do any mean "banter". Eventually you will hit an insecurity. Be nice to each other!

Sounds like she is insecure and is testing you for reassurance. Which is a dumb/passive way to feel validated but people do it.

And you said something stupid.

Have a chat and agree to stop the childish jokes at one another's expense in future and work on being kind.

I think you've probably got the message by now, OP, but it sounds to me as if she has laughed it off in the past because she doesn't want to come across as being humourless, whereas actually she has found your "jokes" about her not being your type very hurtful. I don't think her reaction is a response to this one occasion but rather it's a culmination of all the times she has pretended to find it funny. Perhaps she should have been less willing to go along with the joke in the past, but you must be able to see that constantly implying that you'd fancy her more if she changed her appearance is a dickish thing to do?

Which is it, an ongoing ‘joke’ or a once in a blue moon comment? It can’t be both! I suspect you thought you were being funny and she thought you were being a dick and today she stopped pretending that she thought your ‘jokes’ were funny.

^^^

This was exactly my thought

@poppingoff is right. I remember your other posts.

I feel sorry for your girlfriend, i think you like the drama to be honest

Just realized you're the same poster who has conniptions about texting and that she fell asleep after sex.

Can't you just stop seeing her? You dont like her and you dont get on with her.

Okay in wider context of previous posts. This isn't working for either of you.

"Can't wait to see it, you'll look gorgeous" would have been a more appropriate response, no?

The response was disproportionate on the surface, but something tells me we're not getting full backstory 🤔

I’m with your girlfriend on this.
You’re not joking - you’re not so subtlety letting her know that looks wise she’s not what you really want, but she’ll do until you find someone better.

You were a bit thoughtless, she's being a bit over dramatic.

You've said sorry and so now in a healthy relationship you'd understand why she was upset and she'd understand you didn't mean to upset her. And you'd both not give it a second thought!

This shouldn't be a big storm for two grown ups to weather so I hope it's not dwelled upon too much!

Just remembered your other threads.

It really really shouldn't be this hard. Not ever, let alone 7 months in!

These constant worries and differences you've mentioned don't even mean one of you is "wrong", just that you probably aren't compatible.