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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could I start dating even though I am in a ‘relationship’?

47 replies

Mummadeeze · 25/02/2019 20:02

I am trapped in a very unhappy relationship. I have tried to talk to my partner many times about separating but he won’t listen and is not open to living somewhere else. I feel guilty to force him to leave because the truth is he has nowhere else to go (nor the means to support himself as he is very dependent on my salary) and he is also unwilling to be a part time parent. We both love our DD more than anything and neither of us want to live with her part time, we share childcare equally and both want to see her everyday. I can’t therefore see a way out and feel stuck with him until she is a bit older at least. In the meanwhile however, he makes it clear he despises me and there is no love or affection between us at all. I do find it confusing sometimes because I miss having closeness with someone and occasionally try to hug him but he pushes me away or gets annoyed at me. I have had no physical affection for a year and a half now and I feel very lonely in that respect. So part of me is thinking about trying to start dating other people, but then I think who on earth would want to get to know me with all the baggage I have. It seems wrong to try to move on but I am stuck in limbo. I am pretty sure my partner is seeing other people because of some comments he has made but I am not sure I could actually go through with a date when my life is in such a mess. I suspect everyone will tell me to leave him first but I am scared of hurting my DD and of ruining their relationship. Am also not feeling strong enough to fight him into leaving because he said if I was serious about separation I would be starting a war. He can be very vindictive and I want an easy life. Any advice would be welcome but please don’t be too harsh as I know I could be handling things better if I was in a stronger frame of mind.

OP posts:

Hazlenutpie · 25/02/2019 20:04

I honestly think you should separate. You aren't doing your daughter any favours by staying together.

Get some advice from Women's Aid.

Travisandthemonkey · 25/02/2019 20:04

Are you actually serious that you think this is a good idea ?
Your world is very skewed if you do.

How will this turn out well for anyone????

This is the most stupid answer to “I want an easy life” I ever heard.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 25/02/2019 20:05

That is so wrong OP you need to gather all your strength and ask him to leave. Sounds like he is using you and then treating you like crap.

DuchessOfPhysics · 25/02/2019 20:07

The fact that he has nowhere to go is not your problem. He can find somewhere to go. You need to disconnect from caring so much about him not being certain where his next address is that it stops you ending a terrible relationship.

Lifeisabeach09 · 25/02/2019 20:14

Although one of you needs to leave, lots of separated couples have to remain living together for financial or childcare reasons.

Ensure it's clear that you are over and that you will be dating others (away from the home.)

I, personally, don't feel you are ready for dating as such. I do feel you need a hot fling for the cuddles, sex and to give you a boost.

NerrSnerr · 25/02/2019 20:16

Is this what you want to teach your daughter about relationships? Children are not stupid, she'll know you're not happy and in a proper relationship.

His accommodation/ wages are his problem.

Gazelda · 25/02/2019 20:18

Why would you add more complication to an already unhealthy situation?

Please separate, it will be much better for you all in the long run.

Original poster

Mummadeeze · 25/02/2019 20:21

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 you hit the nail on the head. He is using me and treating me like crap. My self esteem is pretty crap and I have accepted my life like this for a long time. I suppose I know deep down I have to start a battle to extracate myself from this situation but most days it is easier to bury my head in the sand. Lifeisabeach09 a hot fling does sound very tempting, more so than dating actually. I am just fed up with feeling rejected and rubbish.

OP posts:

NekoShiro · 25/02/2019 20:21

Your daughter will grow up thinking that your unloving relationship is a normal relationship, and she'll let men treat her the same way your partner is treating you

Original poster

Mummadeeze · 25/02/2019 20:23

I have tried to talk to my DD about us living apart in a rational and reassuring way but she is adamant she wants us to live together. That is a big part of the problem. I want her blessing really but I know it isn’t fair to expect that from her because she is only a 10 year old child.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 25/02/2019 20:23

So he wants to live with you for the convenience, the financial benefit, and for a roof over his head? Even though he despises you? So are you renting or buying? Can you consider moving out without him and taking the dc with you? One way or another you've got to end this miserable situation, and dating someone else wouldn't be the answer; not fair on anybody, especially not the OM.

Travisandthemonkey · 25/02/2019 20:24

Why the fuck would you talk to your 10 year old about your grown up relationship
And want her blessing

Honestly you need to get yourself to some therapy ASAP.

SoyDora · 25/02/2019 20:24

You call him your partner but he’s not, is he? You’re not in a relationship.
Leave.

Original poster

Mummadeeze · 25/02/2019 20:24

NekoShiro I have many sleepless nights worrying about exactly this. I have tried explaining this to my partner too. In fact I said that to him only this morning. He is not receptive to changing though or at least treating me nicely for her sake. I know it is messed up.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/02/2019 20:25

Why the fuck are you bankrolling someone who despises you ?

Does he work ? Be careful because he could go for main residency of your dd and he seems like just the sort of arsehole who would do just that to punish you

Get legal advice but for god's sake stay away from fucking other men. Not only is it not fair on them it would be very confusing for your dd

Sort your life out. You don't need randoms from Tinder and the like to do thst.

Original poster

Mummadeeze · 25/02/2019 20:26

I talked to her because I thought she might understand and be okay with spending part of the week with him and part of the week with him if we were all happier, but she wasn’t.

OP posts:

SoaringSwallow · 25/02/2019 20:27

It's absolutely not fair to give your child a choice in this. That's placing the responsibility - one that you can't take - on her shoulders.

I totally sympathise for the affection side. I'm in a similar situation (financially different and we don't despise each other). Summon all the energy you can, sort your finances out and get him out. Seek legal advice first though so you know how to deal with things like him wanting full custody so you have to pay him child support etc.

Maybe have a hot fling first though to boost your morale. But don't waste it - the situation will run you I to the ground again pretty swiftly.

Original poster

Mummadeeze · 25/02/2019 20:28

He works but is in a minimum wage job and would struggle to afford London rent without me as I have a good salary. The reason I worry about where he would move to is because I want my DD and him to maintain their close relationship. I feel bad!

OP posts:

SoaringSwallow · 25/02/2019 20:29

Your daughter is too young to fully visualise and understand what it means to "be happier". This situation is all she knows and the security of familiarity is maybe confused with happiness. But when would she really remember you being totally happy and feeling free? If that time existed, she would have been too young to really understand it.

Ninkaninus · 25/02/2019 20:31

It really was not a good idea to put that burden on your daughter. You should not be discussing things like that with your child and asking for her blessing. These are adult problems, adult themes and the adults should be the ones behaving like adults and sorting them out.

You need to get yourself out of that deeply unhealthy and unloving relationship and start modelling some strength and self-respect to your daughter.

SoaringSwallow · 25/02/2019 20:31

And don't worry about maintaining their relationship. It's up to him. Don't hinder or block it, and that's all you can do. It's up to him - you can't control that. As soon as you try, he'll use it to manipulate you.

Hellohappy · 25/02/2019 20:32

It’s not fair on your child to discuss it with her especially as you are not even doing anything yet. It’s like you are giving her an option and it’s not up to her.

It’s not easy for any couple to separate especially if they are living together and there are children. People split up and it’s often sad and messy. There are over 100,000 divorces each year in the uk!

lifebegins50 · 25/02/2019 20:33

You can leave and it would be better for your daughter. How old is she?

Plan to leave, find put what you could afford and in the interim rent or move in with family.
I am assuming you are married so no need for divorce only the house to sort out.
I would advise you see a solicitor re forcing a house sale, as you know he will awkward.

Do it all without him knowing..I left a covert narcisstic (but didn't know what I was dealing with) and he said he would unleash hello. He made it so difficult as he was vindictive but 18months down the line I am so much happier and so are our children.
They now know how a family should live. Please don't think you are helping her, abusive relationship change children forever, it can also make you unwell.

Please don't get involved with another man as you will be obviously vulnerable so likely to get into another bad relationship.

TemporaryPermanent · 25/02/2019 20:34

Honestly? If you would genuinely like physical closeness and sex with another man without a relationship, as a genuine breathing woman looking for that you will barely be able to move for men wanting the same.

It can be an ego boost. When I started doing it I assumed that as soon as I exchanged an actual face picture with anyone, they would turn me down. I also had a generally poor relationship with my own body and my own genitals, I thought the latter in particular were unspeakably ugly. Now I know better. I have also found it fascinating finding dynamics that played out in my serious relationships also rearing their heads in these little encounters, as short as they are. They have given me new perspectives.

Having said that, I was on my own for a year before I started doing this, and I am in therapy (I'm certainly not going to say my therapist approves of what I'm doing - approval is not my therapist's role, she's not my mum, but she has pointed out the risks of what I'm doing both physically and emotionally, while also reflecting back some of the positives I am experiencing).

I think if you are living with someone who is cruel and dismissive you will be utterly crushed. I think having a lovely time with an appreciative man, privately and well away from your dd, is absolutely not wrong and may even give you more strength in the rest of your life. But only you know if you are even possibly strong enough to cope with it. It can feel like rejection too; I nearly fell for one of mine and it's quite tricky. There is also the risk - I am facing this at the moment - that someone I reached out to as a casual fling is looking remarkably as if he is falling for me. That's not a complication I foresaw, and I don't like hurting people. It isn't a simple solution.

Petalflowers · 25/02/2019 20:37

I think you need to be strong and make the decesions. Don’t let him have a say. Get yourself organised, find somewhere to rent, and move out.

He’s sponging off you, but not giving the respect you deserve.

Don’t discuss it with your daughter. Of course she diesn’t Want things to change. Explain that daddy will stil be part of her life, just not living with you.

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