Could I start dating even though I am in a ‘relationship’?

[Mummadeeze]

I am trapped in a very unhappy relationship. I have tried to talk to my partner many times about separating but he won’t listen and is not open to living somewhere else. I feel guilty to force him to leave because the truth is he has nowhere else to go (nor the means to support himself as he is very dependent on my salary) and he is also unwilling to be a part time parent. We both love our DD more than anything and neither of us want to live with her part time, we share childcare equally and both want to see her everyday. I can’t therefore see a way out and feel stuck with him until she is a bit older at least. In the meanwhile however, he makes it clear he despises me and there is no love or affection between us at all. I do find it confusing sometimes because I miss having closeness with someone and occasionally try to hug him but he pushes me away or gets annoyed at me. I have had no physical affection for a year and a half now and I feel very lonely in that respect. So part of me is thinking about trying to start dating other people, but then I think who on earth would want to get to know me with all the baggage I have. It seems wrong to try to move on but I am stuck in limbo. I am pretty sure my partner is seeing other people because of some comments he has made but I am not sure I could actually go through with a date when my life is in such a mess. I suspect everyone will tell me to leave him first but I am scared of hurting my DD and of ruining their relationship. Am also not feeling strong enough to fight him into leaving because he said if I was serious about separation I would be starting a war. He can be very vindictive and I want an easy life. Any advice would be welcome but please don’t be too harsh as I know I could be handling things better if I was in a stronger frame of mind.

Thank you. I agree maybe I shouldn’t have spoken to her but I was trying to consider her feelings. She is 10. I agree that it was probably misguided. But I really was trying to be fair and considerate. I have no property to sell. We are moving on Thursday to a new rented home which is why I am soul searching as I did ask him if I could move separately to different places but he kind of bullied me into letting him come with us and made me feel guilty.

I agree if I started a fling with someone else I could easily pick another person who would not be nice or treat me well as that has been a pattern. I would also be crushed by rejection. This has given me perspective, it is not a good idea. I am just lonely and unhappy and I thought it might help. Thanks for all the honest replies.

So what are you going to do ?

Stop asking him. He’s not your boss.

You need to tell him it’s over and you don’t want him to move with you.

He will never agree if you give him the choice. It's too easy for him to continue being abusive towards you and keep taking your money,

Your daughter is 10. She probably doesn't want to live in a split family. But she is 10. She does not appreciate the damage growing up with two parents as you currently are. Also, don't involve her in adult decisions too much.

And yes, dating someone right now, at the epicenter of this chaos is a really bad move. What about the impact on the person you start dating? They are a person with feelings too. Just separate from your husband, whether he likes it or not. Then the space will emerge for you to move on with your life.

Just move and say, I’m sorry I don’t want you to move with us.
Hard but easy. Difficult, but simple.

If you don’t do It with this opportunity, it will be even harder later on once you’re all settled.

Think about it this way: what kind of man sleeps with a vulnerable woman still shacked up with an abusive one ?

Are you married?

Are you married, do you rent or own, and who is DDs primary carer?

This is your chance. Tell him that he isn’t going to be moving with you. If you can afford it, either find a place for him or find a place for you.

Sparerooms.co.uk maybe worth looking at for a room for him. Some are quite cheap.

No, we are not married but have been together 15 years. It has never been a good relationship really but has got worse over the past three years.

We share childcare. He takes her to school, I pick her up. My other problem is that I can’t get to work in time if I did drop offs and pick ups so I have been telling myself it will be easier to separate once she is old enough to go to school under her own steam which will only be a year or so away. That was my plan. I wasn’t planning to stay in this shitty situation forever. I do appreciate that with the move happening this week it is making me question everything sooner than I was anticipating.

Am trying hard not to be defensive, I do totally understand why most people are telling me it is an unhealthy example to set our DD because I agree with that. I worry every day about doing the right thing by her. But I also know in the short term it will break her heart to be taken away from him. It is a very emotionally upsetting situation whichever way I look at it.

Pay for breakfast club. Job done. Nothing is insurmountable.

Don't rush. Don't rush into anything. You know your dd and your own life, we don't. You are in a situation where the person you are living with treats you badly and pushes you into doing things you don't want to do. It sounds like you are feeling the same pressure from us. Well, we are randoms on the internet. Yes, we have opinions based on what you have told us, but it's not the whole story, it never is. You don't have to do anything WE say. Why not use that fact to begin the realisation that you don't have to do what he says either? But give it all time.

But in answer to the question I originally asked, I have taken on board all the opinions and agree that I would be complicating things even more to bring another person into this mess. I will put that thought out of my head. I think part of me wants someone to rescue me and support me leaving him. I agree I need to be braver though.

You can organise drop offs, not a huge issue. You should not have put the burden onto a 10 year child to help you make a decision. YOU’RE the bloody grown up. Stop bankrolling your partner. If you’re on a tenancy in this new place, tell him he’s got til the end of it to sort himself out, better job, somewhere to live.

Honestly, OP, are you still going to be in this non-relationship in another 10 years for fear of damaging your child's relationship with her df? Can you see that it’s more damaging for her to have parents with a dysfunctional relationship living together and obviously disliking each other?

No one other than yourself can rescue you.

TemporaryPermanent thank you. I do need a bit more time to be in the strongest position to make this right. I will get there. I am definitely detaching more the longer this goes on. And I have learned so much from reading Mumsnet threads! I have learned that it isn’t failing to become a single Mum (something I used to think, I don’t know why now), that there are good relationships out there and men who communicate and are kind, that I could be happier. How to recognise emotional abuse. Etc etc. This is all helping me enormously.

If you don’t leave, in 5 or 10 years time your daughter is going to look back on that conversation you had with her, and know that you stayed in a miserable relationship for her sake when she was too young to understand the implications, and she’s going to feel horrible horrible guilt. That’s not fair to put on her.

I was in exactly the same situation at the end of last year. My friend give me the best advice, she said you have a choice to leave the toxic relationship, your daughter doesn't have a choice. growing up in such an environment my friend told me, will allow your child to think it is normal to be treated like that in a relationship.

Could you imagine if your little girl grew up to have a relationship like you have now? You will feel very responsible.

It is tough I am not going to lie, its been nearly 3 months since we separated and I know it breaks ex-partners heart not to see DD everyday. But ive noticed because he has limited time with her that time is spent much better, more 'quality'. I beat myself up a lot for 'breaking' up a family but the reality is a happier and healthier future for me and my little one. Good luck, Op.