Over 50's relationship issues

[Mumof3dogs]

The more I read on here , the more it seems to be that at this point in life it is a make or break for both parties.
We have the classic boss running off with junior staff member ..
The wife finding husband engaging too much with a friend or colleague ...
The wife seemingly waking up and suddenly realising that she has nothing in common with her partner and wondering if this is her future for another 30'years...
The husband finding his wife all of a sudden has a new lease of life and can't keep up and is then maybe jealous

I have written this from the female perspective- maybe We can have some male input?

Any experiences on both sides ? Anyone got any wisdom as to why this seems to happen again and again? Any other scenarios I have missed ?
More importantly what can we do?
Walk away?
Stick with it?
Marriage counsellor?
Personal counselling?

Oh and I am asking as a post menopause lady looking at her DH and wondering what happens next ..

My boyfriend is 52 and I am 43.
I notice he is more tired and generally more grumpy than he used to be. I just put it down to getting older!
He can be very difficult and not very pleasant at times. I stick with it because nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws, maybe they just get more apparent as we age.

I know it’s slanted on here as it’s predominantly women posting and generally when there is a problem but, it does seem like it’s always men running off with younger women.

I think ther are just times in your life when you reflect on where you are and think about what you want next. A milestone age, death of a friend, empty nest.

If you have positive ideas , new goals or ambitions, or just a feeling of unsettled, and a good man, talk to him. Does he feel the same ?

I left my husband for another man, soon after turning 50 - one of the best things i've ever done! It's not gone smoothly but the last five yrs have been such an amazing experience and such an awakening. The thought I could easily have sleep-walked through this incredible time of life, thinking stuff like 'of course I've gone off sex at my age' or 'it's normal to be frustrated in a long term relationship' - omg, it's terrifying.

As a women married for 30 years I am stunned by how much closer and happier my DH and I have become over the last 4 or 5 years.
I was full-on Mummy mode for years, then aged 48, youngest DC 16, I naturally slid into partner mode. Thankfully my DH was delighted to welcome that, but it makes me shudder when I think how thoughtless towards him I had become.
As you say, looking around at my peer group we are all either embracing sex, travel, music, dining out etc. within our marriages or leaving our marriages. Pretty weird times.
If only I did have the wisdom to know why it sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. We have always shared bank accounts, child responsibilities,morals, sense of humour and we are equally stubborn and love the occasional row.
I lost a great friend to MND a few years back, that may have jolted me into grasping life and I knew the person I wanted to be with was my friend who I’d known since I was 20. And that is DH.

Thanks to those who have replied!

Some interesting food for thought and pleasantly most of them are on the positive side which is the way I would really like to go.

However living with what seems like Victor Meldrew's younger brother makes it a daily challenge 🤣

Any further input good or bad - feel free to add!

Bumping this.
Any other thoughts from wise Mnetters?

(D) H asked for a divorce Sunday, though he's said a couple of things since more positive and has agreed to counselling.

If you are living with Victor Meldrews younger brother can I ask was he always like this it is it a recent thing? Either way though, you absolutely don't have to put up with it, being single in my fifties after years of putting up with crap is the most amazing feeling, I don't know how long I have left in the planet but I do know my time is going to be happy.
If he won't go to counselling or change then you might need to change the one thing you can - your own future.

Dh is a miserable old trout. But so am I, but in a different way. I am victor meldrew's sister. And I'm getting worse.

God, I hope Dh doesn't leave me and run off with someone younger! I don't I could be bothered with all the tinder shit and dating bollocks, no thank you!!

I spend more time going out. I spend more time with my closest friends, drinking wine, going on long weekends away to Prague, Berlin etc.
Dh sits at home and watches just about every football game there is. I do the ironing. Whilst he's watching. He's happy, I'm fine.
We both toddle along quite ok. Or are we? Maybe I should be more worried than I am. Oh dear!!

I’m male. In our case (mid 40’s at the time) it was the stark acknowledgment through couples councelling that we had both ultimately settled and should never really have got married. Whislt our marriage had got pretty bad by this stage the realisation set us free and we are friends and co parent well (which poses its own problems with new partners!)

How old are you both?

How long have you been together?

Do you have kids/grandchildren?

Do you do things together, like travel, so you have things to look forward to? Do you go out on dates?

I'm going to be 50 this year, and I do not feel the same as you. However, I've only been with DH for 11 years (since our mid 30's). We both work, but manage a 1 hour walk most days, we share the same interests in TV (mostly), we enjoy meals out, and since the kids became adults (my kids), we've upped our holidays, so we go away twice a year (will be twice to the Caribbean this year). We're not on mega high incomes, we just prioritise, and holidays for us are important. I buy little else, tbh.

Are you still intimate? That's very important, I think.

I’m this age bracket and going through menopause. We have kids still at school. I don’t know, things are definitely “boring” and he seems to spend a lot of time moaning and being in bed with colds and not really wanting to do much apart from potter around while I want to get out there and grab life by the balls and shake it up. We’ve definitely got different energy levels but I’m definitely not looking to trade him in. The last thing I could be bothered with is another bloke. I’m not sure why women run around after them to be honest. Who can be arsed? Better things to do than be mooning after some arsehole. Plus at this age they all have baggage. Absolutely no way. In my experience (seeing friends DHs etc) the grass isn’t always greener and most of them are selfish/lazy/boring/self absorbed...I couldn’t be bothered with having to give attention to another one. If we split, I’d get a lovely maintenance free penthouse apartment, get a dog, join lots of clubs/groups...me and DH might not be loves young dream and a bit more sexy time would be great but he’s not a drinker/gambler/womaniser. Our political views are the same. He makes me a cuppa in the morning and pulls his weight with housework. That does ok for me.

Well as someone nearing the 50 mark (next year) I've recently come out of a 9 year relationship where the ex basically had an affair with a much younger work colleague in her early 20s. It was such a cliche! I'm six months on and in hindsight the OW has done me a massive favour because he was becoming like a nastier version of Victor Meldrew. We went on holiday to the Netherlands the year before we split and all he did was moan, moan, moan. Inwardly I swore I would never go on holiday with him again. He ramped up things by being an emotionally abusive twat,...and then the affair, so the OW is welcome to him.

In the meanwhile I am having a great time going off doing stuff without a moaning arsehole in the back ground and can also concentrate on my DD who is taking exams soon. Life is calmer and fun! But going back to the point of the OP it does seem 'our' age group goes through some pivotal thinking at this time in life. I've had a few friends go through similar to me recently and some who have got fed up and left their longstanding marriages after realising they've grown apart. I was kind of musing the same this morning that on MN it seems that men cheating with much younger women (usually work colleagues) is rife...yes I know women cheat too, but there is a higher proportion of men who do this.

As for me, when I initially split with my ex I was sworn off men for life and said I just couldn't be arsed again. I'm never going to be one who goes on dating apps/sites as I'm not thick skinned enough to deal with the shit people face on there, so I'm of the 'if it happens, it happens' line of thinking. A year ago I wouldn't have thought this of me as I was at rock bottom and feeling worthless, but since the split (and with the help of counselling) I realise what a bloody great person I am so it would have to be someone pretty amazing to be worthy of my attention!

Male perspective.

You get to a point where you realise there is more life behind you than in front of you and you can no longer spend your life making plans, but actually have to stop, take stock and ask 'am I happy/content'?

In my case, I realised that I was/am unhappy with our sex life which has dwindled to next to nothing thanks to my wife's libido disappearing and never returning following having children.

Rest of the relationship is fine, just no sexuality, spark, passion, lust, desire or anything to separate us from living as just friends other than affectionate kisses and cuddles.

We'd started counselling to investigate but I'm not confident there will be a resolution - you can't change someone's libido after all.

I read stories of women's libido returning with a vengeance and this is my fond yet distant hope, but there's no sign of this whatsoever.

I'm just not prepared to go the rest of my life missing out on all the fun and enjoyment of a fulfilling sex life. We have sex on occasion, but its rubbish and mechanical, without any enthusiasm or interest on her part.

I think that generally in your 50s your DC start to be properly independent, and although (I hope) they'll still always need you/want you/there'll be a role for you, you just aren't needed in the same way.

And the menopause, I think, emphasises more that there won't be more children coming (until grandchildren).

As PPs have said - more life behind than ahead of you.

Beginning to think about what the next stage of life might be. And stopping and looking at the person standing next to you and thinking 'do I want the rest of it to be with this person'?

I think when you're raising children, your relationship takes more of a back-seat. And so when that job is more-or-less done, and there is more time for yourself and you as a couple, you think "and do I want to do this with this person?"

Very interesting thread

Might be worth reposting this in AIBU for more traffic

Empty nest hit me hard at 46
And I think that's was the start of my MLC.
I didn't tackle it and when my dh has his MLC later when we both hit 50 it was the start of 3 very difficult years and I wasn't sure we were going to make it.

Our beloved son describes it as '2nd puberty'

I had to change. Things had to change

Externally I changed my job role within the company as it had become very stressful.

I encouraged my 30 year old step son to leave and get his own place - he loves it though.
He's being staying with us for 2 years but I ended up working full time and looking after everything- as women do.

The house we had brought 2 years previous was settling down (decorating done ) another major stress.

And the menopause was settling down or maybe I was getting use to it.

Internally I worked really hard at our marriage.

We'd never been just a couple having been a blended family for 20 years

It took many (private ) tears.

We even lost both our fathers and things with dh divorced mum went to very low contact.

But now we have never been so happy.

We do stuff together all the time.

We are back to be a really tight couple.

Last year we had 4 mini breaks.

This year we went to the artic circle
And shortly my husband will fit our dream kitchen in this (still ) new house.

We have future plans to replace the bath rooms too.

18 months ago I did a 7 session course of CBT which has been one of the best things I've done and I'm more confident and happy in myself than ever before.

I have become one of the women I have always admire

Tomorrow we are off for a meal with a group of special friends.
We now make a special effort to get together every 2 months and at Christmas we hold a party at our house

Life as never been so good
But it takes work and determination.

I think a lot of it comes from the transition to acceptance that life is now about appreciating what you have rather than aspiring at meeting ape ific goals in life. For people who are naturally ambitious, who naturally set themselves goals and happiness comes from the feeling of success of having achieved this realisation is tough as 8ndeed, it makes life seems incredibly boring and pointless.

It isn't, it just becomes different but we have to go through that stage to realise it. I also think that the menopause is much more of a challenge for both parties than it is let to be. It's not just about the hot flushes and the mad moments, it's about returning to being a 14 year old, questioning ourselves, feeling anxious about life, feeling like our self esteem is almost non existant.

It is hard to go through at and feeling we are a shell of who we used to be, at the same time, it must be really hard for men to see their vibrant, energetic fun partner turning into a miserable, anxious and angry person.

In the end, you either fight or flight.

Not sure why the Op bumped the thread and then disappeared?

This is a great thread. I'm mid 50s and in the 'DH - affair - younger work colleague - divorce' group. I had always thought we were happy, had everything we wanted, no arguments etc.

I saw an NLP life coach and it was life changing for me. I learnt my ExH was selfish and always put himself first - I went along with it. My self confidence was in the floor. He wasn't horrible or abusive, in fact the opposite. I've now been single for 2 1/5 years and loving every minute.

Now I feel confident, happy and free. Kids are young adults, still at home, but independent and happy. My social calendar is packed with things I want to do. Yet to go through menopause so not looking forward to that. At this stage I'm enjoying being single, we were married for 27 years but now it's my time of life.

I sometimes wonder - if he had said he wasn't totally happy and we worked on the marriage, rather than him having an affair, could we have saved it? I'll never know. The fact he didn't bother trying says it all really.

One thing I do know is that I look forward to the future with excitement, I hadn't done that when I was married.

I know how you feel , Margaret meldrew here too. It gets wearing. I also found out about an infatuation my husband had many years ago as he hid a load of scribblings and his chronic secret porn habit and somehow it changed him in my eyes, it broke the magic spell. The first thing I did was got myself some friends , I haven’t left but got myself a support circle and that has helped.

I have become one of the women I have always admired

That's bloody marvellous- well done!