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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Over 50's relationship issues

33 replies

Mumof3dogs · 25/02/2019 18:51

The more I read on here , the more it seems to be that at this point in life it is a make or break for both parties.
We have the classic boss running off with junior staff member ..
The wife finding husband engaging too much with a friend or colleague ...
The wife seemingly waking up and suddenly realising that she has nothing in common with her partner and wondering if this is her future for another 30'years...
The husband finding his wife all of a sudden has a new lease of life and can't keep up and is then maybe jealous

I have written this from the female perspective- maybe We can have some male input?

Any experiences on both sides ? Anyone got any wisdom as to why this seems to happen again and again? Any other scenarios I have missed ?
More importantly what can we do?
Walk away?
Stick with it?
Marriage counsellor?
Personal counselling?

Oh and I am asking as a post menopause lady looking at her DH and wondering what happens next ..

OP posts:
Snog · 04/04/2019 10:44

I think that when your kids become more independent and/or leave home, you naturally focus more on your relationship as a couple. This highlights whether it is a good relationship or not, plus there is no question of staying together for the kids if you are unhappy. It's just a natural break point.

I'm 51 and DH is 47, we have definitely grown very much closer over the last few years (mainly due to facing adversity and bereavement together) so it can go either way.

xpc316e · 04/04/2019 12:28

Another male perspective:
I am in my early sixties, and my partner is ten years younger. She is just post-menopause. We have three children, the last of whom is about to go off to university later this year. My partner's menopause released us both from the tyranny of a week of bleeding every month and the PMT that we both had to endure. We both had a very positive attitude towards her menopause and the changes it would bring to our lives.

We have always had an active, interesting, and evolving sex life. We are hugely looking forward to having the home to ourselves and the opportunities this will give us to spontaneously express our sexual desires. We are both fairly active, healthy, and fit. We try not to become old mentally by taking ourselves on trips to other countries.

I am recently retired and my partner is still working, and probably will for another eight years, or so. We are very happy with who we are, where we are in our lives, and with each other.

I am able to give another perspective though. Before I met my partner I had a wonderful relationship with a FWB and we kept in touch as friends for a couple of years after our sexual relationship ceased. She was a woman with an incredible sex drive: for her, sex was the defining thing in her life and she loved every aspect of it. When we parted she got married to a man who was the safe, secure, and sensible choice. She curbed her sexuality to a huge extent as she realised that it was not a big deal for her new husband. She loved him and he was a really great guy, but there was not the sexual chemistry that we had together. Her sex life was very much vanilla and infrequent, but she still enjoyed what she was getting. She satisfied herself with regular masturbation. Health problems came along that necessitated a full hysterectomy; this plunged her into the menopause. Overnight she went from a highly-sexed woman into a completely sexless being with none of the defining desires she used to have. She had no interest whatsoever in even satisfying her husband's basic needs for the occasional orgasm, despite still loving him very much.

We are no longer in touch, but I do wonder where she is now. Her story contrasts with my partner's experience of the menopause, and it turned her life upside down in a way that was not positive.

It is very much the luck of the draw as to whether we grow together, or part, whether or not we experience a positive menopause, what cards we are dealt in terms of health, prosperity, etc. I know that we are lucky, but am also aware that to a large extent we make our own luck. Our relationship is something we have worked hard at and we are fortunate enough to reap the benefits - not everybody is so well-placed in life.

RevokeRemainohsodit · 04/04/2019 12:59

Rather creepy to have a man come onto this forum to discuss sex is such detail.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 04/04/2019 13:35

I know someone else has said this, but I do think this line:

I have become one of the women I have always admire

is the most inspirational thing I've ever read on MN, and def something to aspire to!

Mumof3dogs · 04/04/2019 14:07

Thanks to everyone who has replied and I am glad it had proved to be good for thought for many- that was the idea!

I am also pleased that I am not alone with such worries and issues and it helps to hear positive outcomes both ways - staying together and separate

For me I have my youngest off to university in September and the other 2 already flown the nest.
I have a GD which is a great pleasure and gives me a positive outlook on life .

As for DH and myself- well that's still very much a work in progress. We haven't been intimate for a while (months not years)
I am trying to look forward to our future together but it's hard.
We do little together,he is reluctant to go out anywhere, limited on ideas for traveling whether for day trips or weekends .
I do try to suggest stuff but he's not keen and it's not pleasant to drag him along when he doesn't want to be there.
I go along with things he likes to try with time together, but surely that's an issue too as he will only go along with his ideas.
The pull of being able to please myself is strong and I think at this stage of life you do look in the mirror and think what's next..
We will see where the next year or so takes us ..

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 04/04/2019 14:28

I too think the pull of doing as you please is quite strong at this age and it doesn't always have to revolve around a partner or what they like doing. It isn't that some partners necessarily 'stop' you doing things, its the fact they have to be asked and quite often it feels like you have to justify yourself and out up with the odd bit of 'oh, I fancied doing xyz then' , particularly if you have a partner who has few if any local friends to do things with themselves. I think an element of jealousy/possessivness can creep in. Not because they are naturally that way, but because of the need to have someone around to do things with. I do think it can be a crap time for a lot of men who don't have a ton of other male companionship or siblings to get together with and I think that's when the Victor meldrew stuff can creep in.

CharlyAngelic · 05/04/2019 16:40

OP did ask for some male input. There has been some male input . He mentions sex and libido , and that can play a part in the over 50s relationships .
He is fortunate in his relationship but knows someone else who has had a massive change.
At one point , before I started HRT , I could have given up on sex forever .
The hormonal changes that occur can make many aspects of a relationship difficult . ( not just sex )
All the best OP.

CassettesAreCool · 05/04/2019 17:05

I called time on my 25 year marriage 4 years ago at the age of 52. It had been dead for years and I knew I couldn’t spend the next 30 being dragged down by him, but we are still friends. It took me 3 years to process it all, by which time the menopause had arrived. Wow. Suddenly sex has become all important, I feel like a million dollars, I have two lovers who I share very different sexual experiences with. What I have embraced I think is risk: no one needs me to be sensible, no one has any hold over me. There is no fallback or safety net. For me this is life-enhancing, for many I think it would be the reason to stay.

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