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Relationships

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Original poster

Fiance is friends with his ex

34 replies

Bumper75 · 25/02/2019 18:08

My fiance has a female friend and also has a close relationship with her son (7yr). They dated for 6 months when the boy was just 6 months old so he helped take care of him in that time and seems to have developed a bond.

I told him before we were engaged that I did not feel happy that he was friends with his ex. He has other female friends but I feel it is different becuase they have been intimate. I know I'm am crazy jealous but I have a 6 year old son too and it drives me crazy that my fiance is closer to his Ex's son than to mine.

He agreed to stop seeing them saying he would see them less so he didn't have to say he wasn't going any more but I could see how miserable it made him (mostly because I think he feels like her son is almost like his own) so I changed my mind. Now it makes me miserable every time he goes there.

He tries to tell me they are just friends and the children could play together and they are a nice family but it doesn't change how I feel.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable or too jealous or how to handle this. Apart from this we are very good together. What to do?

OP posts:

Tennesseewhiskey · 25/02/2019 18:12

Why are you with him if this is such a huge problem?

If they wanted to be a couple they would never have split and would still be together.

NameChangeNugget · 25/02/2019 18:13

Personally, I think you were unfair to try and force him to stop however, he said he would and he hasn’t, which is highly unacceptable

Musti · 25/02/2019 18:22

He sees him as his son so it's unfair to stop him seeing him. Or to be worried about it. If he'd wanted to be with her, he would be. Maybe encouraging the boys to play together would be the best thing??

Tomtontom · 25/02/2019 18:27

How would you feel if he tried to dictate who you could be friends with?

Monr0e · 25/02/2019 18:29

He sees him as a son even though they were only together 6 months over 6 years ago? So the son would have been one when they split up? How much contact has he maintained with them both over the last 6 years?

Tennesseewhiskey · 25/02/2019 18:54

he said he would and he hasn’t, which is highly unacceptable

The OP changed her mind.

mindutopia · 25/02/2019 18:59

I think if this is truly a dealbreaker you aren’t compatible and that’s just how it is.

Fwiw I’m friends with several of my exes. I don’t really see them anymore (I moved abroad and haven’t really been back to my home country). But we’re friends on social media, talk a few times a year, I even went to one’s wedding (with my dh!) and am also friends with his now wife.

It’s never been an issue (I’ve been very happily with my dh for 10+ years) but I definitely would have put me off my dh if he’d tried to tell me who I could and couldn’t be friends with.

category12 · 25/02/2019 19:03

Why don't you try to get to know her and see if you could build a friendship?

Sunnydays78 · 25/02/2019 19:04

I think the fact he clearly can’t walk away tells you a lot about his character. I think I’d find it a very attractive quality, could he not bring the child to your home so you could get to know him too. Maybe you wouldn’t find that as much of a threat

Original poster

Bumper75 · 25/02/2019 19:05

After they split up he says they got along okay and he helped her with childcare but he said he was glad to because it upset him that he wouldn’t see him again. He sees them regularly maybe 3/4 times each month for a few hours. He says she suggested we go for a weekend holiday all together but I can’t stand to be near her. I don’t really know why. I don’t think anything will happen between them but I don’t like it that they have been intimate.
I just wondered if anyone else had had similar experience really?

OP posts:

Tennesseewhiskey · 25/02/2019 19:12

Given she and her son is an important part of his life, I cant believe you wont even try and get to know her.

Their friendship predates your relationship. If you didn't like it you didn't have ti stay around. Trying to dictate whether he can still see them isn't ok. And that's what you are doing.

You are refusing to accept it, you let it cause problems. Eventually he will have to pick and you are hoping he will pick you.

Not sure I would pick someone, who got with me and then started telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with and/or refused to at least try and make an effort with my friends.

MaggieMcSplash · 25/02/2019 19:13

They have been split up for years. She seems to want to be your friend too. I think you should try and deal with this. There is clearly nothing romantically there. The guy however knew the boy from a baby and had developed a bond with him. It would be unfair to try and stop him seeing the little boy. As it stands the boy is very young so some contact will remain with his mum.

category12 · 25/02/2019 19:17

I think you really need to work on your reactions and get a grip on them. They only dated a short time, and it's been years since that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2019 19:18

Why did they break up?

Sunnydays78 · 25/02/2019 19:23

I think you need to look at this in a more mature manner.
You’ve had a past so has he, do you still talk to your child’s dad?

RaffertyFair · 25/02/2019 19:23

It must be horrible to feel the way you do, but I think it is your issue to deal with.

If it is not something you can resolve in your mind, perhaps seek some help to get everything clear?

It isn't fair on your DP, his friend or her son, but I know you have acknowledged that logically- you just don't feel it emotionally.

Good luck.

SnotttyNosedSheila · 25/02/2019 19:27

I would dump anybody who tried to dictate who I could and couldn't see, ex or not. They've been split up for nearly 7 years. If they'd wanted to get back together then they would have done long before now.

It's a good thing that he wants to stay friends and be part of the DC's life. It indicates that he's a 'good un'. You only have to read the Relationships board to see how rare a quality this is.

So yes. You are being both unreasonable and too jealous and you might end up losing him because of it if you continue to make ultimatums as to who he can be friends with and see. I wouldn't blame him if he chose to maintain the relationship with a child he has a bond with over you. Sounds harsh I know but you did ask.

CheeseToastie123 · 25/02/2019 20:00

My ex husband is one of my best friends. I danced my socks off at his 2nd wedding (as did my Mum!). If someone doesn't accept my friendships, I wouldn't see a future with them. That sounds harsh considering you two are engaged, but things wouldn't have got much past a few dates for me.

Mary1935 · 25/02/2019 20:16

Is the mother in a relationship with anyone else or does the child not see his own father at all. Have you met her? Why are you jealous - he’s with you - you need to trust him and go out together. Your children can play together.

SnotttyNosedSheila · 25/02/2019 20:38

You seem to be weirdly fixated on the fact that they were intimate over 7 years ago. Why?

Plenty of separated/divorced parents have good relationships with their ex-partners new partners to primarily put their DC first. Step DC included. His ex had nothing to do with you so I don't understand your issues. He would be with her if he wanted to be, it's been 7 years.

Grow up, be an adult, move on and support your DF in doing the right thing. Let them be friends and let him be there for the DC. If I were your DF I would dump you in a heartbeat if you tried to stop me talking to my ex about a DC I had taken on as my own. I suspect you wouldn't be a very nice stepmother.

SnotttyNosedSheila · 25/02/2019 20:52

This is your issue and your problem. It is for you to adapt and accept and not for your DF to change things and disengage with the DC he took responsibility for to make life easier for you. But you knew this when you started a relationship with him.

If you can't then you need to separate and move on. Perhaps you should find someone who has no relationship history or ties that need to be maintained.

thinking54 · 25/02/2019 21:23

I've always been one to feel insecure about ex's but even I feel you are being unreasonable here. You cannot dictate who he can and cannot be friends with! From what you always....that's all they are. FRIENDS. Nothing more.

Did he ask her to marry him? I assume not but he did ask you. That speaks volumes.

And I'm sorry but I think it's absolutely lovely that he is still in this little boys life. He sounds like a keeper to me so I'd be very very careful you don't push him away.

Fidgety31 · 25/02/2019 21:30

My ex dumped his new girlfriend as she was jealous of him seeing my son after we split(not his biological child)
If you make him choose between you or the child - you will no doubt be dumped too. If he has maintained a relationship with the boy for 7 yrs he will not give that up for you - and why should he

Petalflowers · 25/02/2019 21:36

It sounds like the mum wants to initiate a friendship with you. That’s a good sign. A weekend away may be too much too soon. However, startvwith coffee, trip to the zoo etc.

If you want this man in your life, then you will have to accept the situation.

Wowzel · 25/02/2019 21:38

You need to get over it, this is really unreasonable

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